[ John is... at a loss for words. He has so few true connections, and they've all been more than happy to just let that relationship be... whatever it is. He and Harold don't talk about it, he and Shaw don't talk about it, even he and Zoe don't talk about it. Carter, Fusco... he can count his meaningful relationships on one hand. Except, now he's in Etraya and he's met people. He knows people. He probably should have expected someone to have a conversation like this sooner or later, but he really hadn't, and he hadn't expected it to be Shadowheart.
So, what does he say? He genuinely has enjoyed her company the times they've met so far. He brought her flowers. Does that make them friends? Does he even know how to be friends? He has people he's friendly with, but he thinks he makes a really shitty friend. He doesn't know how to "be a friend" anymore. He cut that part of himself out when he walked the path of the CIA. And that's not even answering her question about "more". He has his thing with Zoe, but they have a mutual understanding that it's not... it doesn't mean anything. Or at least, it's something they could both let go without feelings being hurt. It's fun, but they're professionals about it.
And then, his deepest secret, Harold. Harold who is no longer at arms length, who is no longer just his employer. They live together. He sees Harold when he gets up in the morning, he makes him dinner at night. Sometimes a sandwich for lunch, or lets Harold have the leftovers while he's working on some project. Can he really promise anything to anyone when Harold is right there? When he's confronted with his feelings for Harold every day? When he has this mirage of what he's wanted for so long?
He can't.
He's been thinking for far too long; has it been a full ten seconds? He's left her waiting with the food processor held out, a vaguely stupefied look on his face. He reaches out and takes it from her, speaking quietly. ]
You've probably noticed, but I don't make a very good friend.
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So, what does he say? He genuinely has enjoyed her company the times they've met so far. He brought her flowers. Does that make them friends? Does he even know how to be friends? He has people he's friendly with, but he thinks he makes a really shitty friend. He doesn't know how to "be a friend" anymore. He cut that part of himself out when he walked the path of the CIA. And that's not even answering her question about "more". He has his thing with Zoe, but they have a mutual understanding that it's not... it doesn't mean anything. Or at least, it's something they could both let go without feelings being hurt. It's fun, but they're professionals about it.
And then, his deepest secret, Harold. Harold who is no longer at arms length, who is no longer just his employer. They live together. He sees Harold when he gets up in the morning, he makes him dinner at night. Sometimes a sandwich for lunch, or lets Harold have the leftovers while he's working on some project. Can he really promise anything to anyone when Harold is right there? When he's confronted with his feelings for Harold every day? When he has this mirage of what he's wanted for so long?
He can't.
He's been thinking for far too long; has it been a full ten seconds? He's left her waiting with the food processor held out, a vaguely stupefied look on his face. He reaches out and takes it from her, speaking quietly. ]
You've probably noticed, but I don't make a very good friend.