[Vander already was fully aware of his real crime. He had lived that crime for years, but at the same time, he had been there when it happened, when he had made a choice between complete destruction or saving what little they had left. While he liked to think he did it for her memory, he also knew it was a delusion. He had done it for him because the alternative was a fate he couldn't endure for as long as they would have made him. He had already been on the tipping point, ready to die, denied and threatened with far worse.
He took the lifeline. He let the proverbial collar settle on his neck, the leash held tight in Grayson's hand and from there, he had done what he had to in order to build what he could out of the ashes of that day.
Benzo was the only one who knew. Benzo who had been waiting on the docks when they dumped him back in the Lanes, collected him up and taken him to the shop and offered nothing more than a stiff drink and a change of clothing. Benzo who died in the streets with all of Vander's blasphemous secrets, defending him from Silco who had come for his due.
No.
Vander knew what his crime was. He knew it better than Silco did, the full grimy, filthy, damning details.
Yet, he could see the rage in the older man's face. There always came a point when the true depth of Silco's anger showed and it was in the other man's eyes. Not that damaged, raging orange one but the blue. That was always the key to know where Silco's mood truly lay, the depth of his fury and the pure hatred that lurked behind the twisted narrow sallow face. This close, Vander could stare right into the hurricane that was Silco's rage, but at the eye of that storm, he saw it too: the hurt.]
Oh Silco... [He spoke softly, almost wistfully, and he shook his head.] You don't know the half of my crime then. You think I made peace with them willingly, do you? I had no choice, but... I did it anyway, yes. That's my crime, but if you want to accuse me of that transgression, maybe someday I'll even tell you the nitty gritty details of the ultimatum.
[His cigarette had been extinguished against Silco's neck, though he kept holding it at the corner of his mouth. He didn't fight when Silco purposefully pressed the cigar against him, a shudder running down his spine as renewed pain flared through his nerves. All survival instincts went ignored as he let the older man burn him because deep down, he knew it wasn't even a tenth of what he deserved for the damage to Silco's face. That burning agony may be similar but no... Vander knew just a fraction of what the sepsis caused by that filthy water was like.
And something underneath that too. A tendril of the past, of the shattered pieces of a relationship that had once meant so much to the both of them. How they had once been their best together and yet could still be at their absolute worst to the world beyond them when they needed to be. All those times, all that emotion turned on its head and twisted into this.
He turned his head and spat his cigarette to the floor, listening intently to Silco's first bit of honesty. He weathered the barrage of words still resting in the older man's lap, and he made a point of considering then he leaned his face in to speak against Silco's ear. One arm dropped so he could cup the left side of the older man's face to prevent Silco from jerking away.]
Here's something honest back: I don't hate you. I wish I could. I'm furious with you, and I don't think I'll ever forgive you for what you did to Mylo, Claggor and Vi that day, but... [He sighed, resting their temples together.] I don't hate you.
[He did withdraw after that, dropping his hand away and lifting it to press to the wall, but he also didn't move. He knew relenting where he was sitting was giving Silco what the man wanted, and Vander had lost interest in that. Perhaps they needed this moment to face reality. Too bad it was in a public lobby.]
There was a time we used to be family. First you and me. Then Felicia. [Those days were over, of course. She died, Silco and Vander damaged beyond repair. Now Silco jockeyed for full control of Jinx. He knew why.] Jinx is my family too. I won't stop seeing or having a relationship with her. I am not looking to take her from you, Silco. She clearly loves you and you her. She and I want something similar. I need her too. [Or else... what's the point?] And you're going to let us have that.
[Finally - finally - Vander shifting his weight and moved to rise so he could stop sitting on Silco.]
cw: mention of murder, abuse, suicidal hints - these two are a hot mess. don't look
He took the lifeline. He let the proverbial collar settle on his neck, the leash held tight in Grayson's hand and from there, he had done what he had to in order to build what he could out of the ashes of that day.
Benzo was the only one who knew. Benzo who had been waiting on the docks when they dumped him back in the Lanes, collected him up and taken him to the shop and offered nothing more than a stiff drink and a change of clothing. Benzo who died in the streets with all of Vander's blasphemous secrets, defending him from Silco who had come for his due.
No.
Vander knew what his crime was. He knew it better than Silco did, the full grimy, filthy, damning details.
Yet, he could see the rage in the older man's face. There always came a point when the true depth of Silco's anger showed and it was in the other man's eyes. Not that damaged, raging orange one but the blue. That was always the key to know where Silco's mood truly lay, the depth of his fury and the pure hatred that lurked behind the twisted narrow sallow face. This close, Vander could stare right into the hurricane that was Silco's rage, but at the eye of that storm, he saw it too: the hurt.]
Oh Silco... [He spoke softly, almost wistfully, and he shook his head.] You don't know the half of my crime then. You think I made peace with them willingly, do you? I had no choice, but... I did it anyway, yes. That's my crime, but if you want to accuse me of that transgression, maybe someday I'll even tell you the nitty gritty details of the ultimatum.
[His cigarette had been extinguished against Silco's neck, though he kept holding it at the corner of his mouth. He didn't fight when Silco purposefully pressed the cigar against him, a shudder running down his spine as renewed pain flared through his nerves. All survival instincts went ignored as he let the older man burn him because deep down, he knew it wasn't even a tenth of what he deserved for the damage to Silco's face. That burning agony may be similar but no... Vander knew just a fraction of what the sepsis caused by that filthy water was like.
And something underneath that too. A tendril of the past, of the shattered pieces of a relationship that had once meant so much to the both of them. How they had once been their best together and yet could still be at their absolute worst to the world beyond them when they needed to be. All those times, all that emotion turned on its head and twisted into this.
He turned his head and spat his cigarette to the floor, listening intently to Silco's first bit of honesty. He weathered the barrage of words still resting in the older man's lap, and he made a point of considering then he leaned his face in to speak against Silco's ear. One arm dropped so he could cup the left side of the older man's face to prevent Silco from jerking away.]
Here's something honest back: I don't hate you. I wish I could. I'm furious with you, and I don't think I'll ever forgive you for what you did to Mylo, Claggor and Vi that day, but... [He sighed, resting their temples together.] I don't hate you.
[He did withdraw after that, dropping his hand away and lifting it to press to the wall, but he also didn't move. He knew relenting where he was sitting was giving Silco what the man wanted, and Vander had lost interest in that. Perhaps they needed this moment to face reality. Too bad it was in a public lobby.]
There was a time we used to be family. First you and me. Then Felicia. [Those days were over, of course. She died, Silco and Vander damaged beyond repair. Now Silco jockeyed for full control of Jinx. He knew why.] Jinx is my family too. I won't stop seeing or having a relationship with her. I am not looking to take her from you, Silco. She clearly loves you and you her. She and I want something similar. I need her too. [Or else... what's the point?] And you're going to let us have that.
[Finally - finally - Vander shifting his weight and moved to rise so he could stop sitting on Silco.]