[ John has been calling him "Harold" more, when it's just the two of them. He still refers to him by last name in public, something he doubts will ever change for reasons completely outside their relationship, but these private moments are more often "Harold" than "Finch". Their new closeness makes him bold in some ways. He has never been so aware of the distance they have than now than it's lessened some, now that they're closer. Distance he feels he cannot push past, cannot be overt with his feelings in a way Harold might understand, that Harold might reject him for. John couldn't stand that; keeping this secret is better than rejection. He's kept worse secrets before, secrets that ate him from the inside; this one is a treasure he can take out and look at occasionally, can hold delicately in his hands when he needs it the most. ]
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[ John has been calling him "Harold" more, when it's just the two of them. He still refers to him by last name in public, something he doubts will ever change for reasons completely outside their relationship, but these private moments are more often "Harold" than "Finch". Their new closeness makes him bold in some ways. He has never been so aware of the distance they have than now than it's lessened some, now that they're closer. Distance he feels he cannot push past, cannot be overt with his feelings in a way Harold might understand, that Harold might reject him for. John couldn't stand that; keeping this secret is better than rejection. He's kept worse secrets before, secrets that ate him from the inside; this one is a treasure he can take out and look at occasionally, can hold delicately in his hands when he needs it the most. ]