[ It's easier when Harold is talking to look at him, so John lifts his gaze from the plates with rapidly cooling eggs. He just tries to listen, to not immediately get wrapped up in whatever Harold is saying and speak before he's really ready to say anything. There is no right answer, there is no perfect thing that will solve all this, so he needs to be careful; it feels like at any moment they'll just crack and fracture again and Harold will walk out the door.
So, comforting is off the table for both of them. John doesn't know what it would even look like for someone to comfort him, least of all from Harold. Comfort has been the last thing from his mind all these years, it's completely foreign now.
But beside that— he feels all too closely Harold's words. It hurts to hear him say that he didn't want to outlive the numbers. Of course John wants Harold to live, has gone to great lengths for Harold to live, but it wasn't at all what Harold wanted. But can John say any different about himself? If it had been the other way around, if Harold had given him a second chance, would he have been able to accept it? But he's forced Harold to do just that, has forced him to live without that something more than just the mission as well.
It's painful to speak but John makes the words come out, forces them through his closed up throat. ]
We did. It was more than just the mission.
[ John doesn't think he'd survive being turned down so he just thinks desperately to himself, Of course it was more, I love you. His heart is hammering and pounding and it's so painful and loud, but he holds his hand out to Harold. He hopes Harold will see it for what it is, sees it as John stepping into that space they never talked about; friends, but John is greedy for so much more than that. ]
I'm sorry for never trying to talk to you. I'm not good at it, but that's not an excuse, is it?
[ Fusco taught him that. Fusco taught him that he can't just go taking everything for granted, can't just leave everything unsaid, and that's exactly what he did anyway. ]
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So, comforting is off the table for both of them. John doesn't know what it would even look like for someone to comfort him, least of all from Harold. Comfort has been the last thing from his mind all these years, it's completely foreign now.
But beside that— he feels all too closely Harold's words. It hurts to hear him say that he didn't want to outlive the numbers. Of course John wants Harold to live, has gone to great lengths for Harold to live, but it wasn't at all what Harold wanted. But can John say any different about himself? If it had been the other way around, if Harold had given him a second chance, would he have been able to accept it? But he's forced Harold to do just that, has forced him to live without that something more than just the mission as well.
It's painful to speak but John makes the words come out, forces them through his closed up throat. ]
We did. It was more than just the mission.
[ John doesn't think he'd survive being turned down so he just thinks desperately to himself, Of course it was more, I love you. His heart is hammering and pounding and it's so painful and loud, but he holds his hand out to Harold. He hopes Harold will see it for what it is, sees it as John stepping into that space they never talked about; friends, but John is greedy for so much more than that. ]
I'm sorry for never trying to talk to you. I'm not good at it, but that's not an excuse, is it?
[ Fusco taught him that. Fusco taught him that he can't just go taking everything for granted, can't just leave everything unsaid, and that's exactly what he did anyway. ]