[ It's not forgiveness. He's not even sure it's understanding. Hannibal remains behind a veil of distance, as if he's on the other side of a different pane of silvered glass than the one cooling Krouse's brow.
But if it's judgment, it's judgment of him here, not the things he's done. It threads a needle through the ugly past and the empty future. Everything he's done is done. If he's not going to stop, all he can do is keep going.
He sucks in a shaky, ragged breath, his face crumpling ugly, and fogs the mirror with his exhale. ]
Fuck.
[ Barely voiced at all, entirely under his breath. Krouse pushes back off the sink and scrubs his face across his shoulders one side at a time, shaking his hands out at the wrist. His eyelashes stick as he blinks them apart. ]
You're right. [ He says, thickly. ] I can't keep doing this.
[ It shouldn't be a revelation. He knew that already. It's the reason he came here. But he'd only gotten halfway through accepting it.
He's not past it yet, but there's been a shift over that fragile halfway point. A push, as hideous as it was. He's been taken apart and dipped in acid to burn away rust. Why should that be easy? ]
And I probably would be. [ He almost smiles, more like a flinch than anything else. ] It wouldn't be the first time.
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But if it's judgment, it's judgment of him here, not the things he's done. It threads a needle through the ugly past and the empty future. Everything he's done is done. If he's not going to stop, all he can do is keep going.
He sucks in a shaky, ragged breath, his face crumpling ugly, and fogs the mirror with his exhale. ]
Fuck.
[ Barely voiced at all, entirely under his breath. Krouse pushes back off the sink and scrubs his face across his shoulders one side at a time, shaking his hands out at the wrist. His eyelashes stick as he blinks them apart. ]
You're right. [ He says, thickly. ] I can't keep doing this.
[ It shouldn't be a revelation. He knew that already. It's the reason he came here. But he'd only gotten halfway through accepting it.
He's not past it yet, but there's been a shift over that fragile halfway point. A push, as hideous as it was. He's been taken apart and dipped in acid to burn away rust. Why should that be easy? ]
And I probably would be. [ He almost smiles, more like a flinch than anything else. ] It wouldn't be the first time.