etrayalogs | [ OPEN ] recuperation & reconciliation

Entry tags:

[ OPEN ] recuperation & reconciliation

WHO: riz gukgak & YOU!!
WHEN: post-fear event onwards!
WHERE: throughout etraya (shops & diners, hospital, training grounds)
WHAT: in the wake of the fear event, riz gets to work on getting stronger, smarter, and trying to be a better friend (outcome: undecided). I'm down for anything! if you'd like something different, feel free to take up the wildcard or ping me on discord/plurk!
NOTES\WARNINGS: discussions of violence & paranoia

a. around town.

[ Riz is not doing well.

Riz is, it must be said, rarely doing well. He's the sort of kid who never learned to relax; no matter what, he always seems to be worried about something, the indefatigable machine that simply sprints from place to place, problem to problem, existing on a diet of convenience foods and coffee when left to his own devices, rarely sleeping. To some, he seems no worse than normal; the deep purple shadows underneath his eyes and the propensity to get startled easily and the tell-tale tremble of his hands from too much caffeine just being a part of what makes Riz, Riz. The only other oddity is the fact that he seems to shy away from his own reflection; whether it's a mirror, a pane of glass, or even a metal napkin receptacle, it gets covered up, avoided, or otherwise pushed out of sight.

But he's doing what he does best, which is pretending none of it exists in the first place. Perhaps you catch him late at night at the coffee shop, whiling away the wee hours of the morning with a cup of coffee approximately as large as his head, scribbling wildly in a thick notebook, his square spectacles sliding steadily down his nose. He startles when someone else comes in, jolting in his seat and knocking his cup askew -- possibly spilling it all over your shoes. ] Shit -- sorry, sorry! I wasn't expecting anyone here!

[ Or maybe you run into him during the daytime, at the grocery store shoving an absolutely obscene amount of beef into a shopping cart far bigger than he is, at the clothing store hunting down clothes for himself in the petit section (or childrens section but, well, beggars can't be choosers), or scarfing down food at an alarming rate in the diner. He's a man about town -- and a man who doesn't particularly want to be home too much right now.

Or perhaps you run into him somewhere else entirely, wandering around Bangsan Market, fingers drumming on his elaborately tattooed forearms. ] Okay. Let's say, hypothetically speaking, you just had the worst month ever. What kinda gift would cheer you up...?

[ Or are all gifts meaningless when you don't have to spend any money on them? Hm. Troubling. Very troubling. ]

b. first-aid refreshers.

[ In the wake of everything that's happened and with no handy Cleric nearby, Riz has made the decision to freshen up on his first-aid skills. You can spot him at the hospital loading an obscene amount of materials into his briefcase, which appears to be able to hold endless amounts of supplies; gauze, bandages, needles and thread, antiseptic and antibiotics, and ice packs and heat packs all make their way in.

Otherwise? He's in a public place like the diner, with an enormous tome on first-aid in front of him that he's frowning at in-between applying his expertise to a suturing practice kit he has laid in front of him, his nimble fingers hooking the needle steadfastly through silicone skin. If he notices he has an audience, he might glance up with a sheepish sort of smile, the knitting of his brows off-setting the row of razor-sharp teeth. ] I figure I should get some practice in while I still can. [ He glances down at the wound kits in front of him with a frown. ] I still haven't got the wound packing quite right, I don't think.

c. training.

[ First-aid training is one thing. Riz is dexterous and nimble and has a great attention to detail, all things that have led to him being a dab hand at figuring out how to deal with battlefield injuries. The physical part of the equation is something else, and something he's decided to dedicate himself to, his own exhaustion be damned.

His gunwork is fine. Great, even. He hits his marks with the consistency and precision they require. It's everything else that he's lacking in. Which is how you might spot him doing laps around a field, in a rare showing of having changed out of his usual stuffy suit-and-tie number, and... honestly, not doing that great. When he finally stops, hands braced on his knees and taking a swig out of a bottle of water, he looks like he might keel over.

Otherwise, you might find him on the training grounds, staring dubiously at the weights (he picks one up with both hands, slams it back down again, dubiously walking down the rack as the weights get smaller, and smaller, and smaller...) and looking over at the rest of the gym as though it contains any answers for him. Strength isn't his strong suit, he knows, but maybe he could be stronger? Or, perhaps, you see him with his rapier out, doing the same drills he'd been taught all those months ago at Aguefort Academy. If you pop in and look interested, he may well flag you down and ask, ] Hey, you here to train too?

d. friendship tour.

[ The last task on his to-do list is the hardest one of them all: trying to get better at being a friend, and not just some mechanism made for solving mysteries. It's clear that his brain has been failing him these days, which leaves one more option: trying to become a better friend.

If you're one of Riz's friends or acquaintances, whether he runs into you by chance or he texts you directly, Riz is going to be approaching you to check up on you. It's time to talk. About feelings. Not his own, obviously, but he's checking in on you -- with maybe some food to help ease the blow, or an offer to just get wonderfully, fabulously drunk. They deserve it. ]

e. wildcard!

[ hit me up for anything! you can find me on the discord or on plurk @ wisdombitch xoxoxo ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I guess? It's not really about what I plan. Whatever happens, happens, [ Riz says breezily, as though consuming coffee all through the still hours of night is in any way conducive to sleep. He doesn't like sleeping at the best of times; something about it makes him twitchy and anxious, like something horrible will happen while he slumbers, like sleeping is somehow neglectful of some greater duty. He's especially not liking it now, not with his recent encounters with Baron and everything else that had happened, making him more prone to anxious nightmares than usual, which is saying something.

He should probably launch right into things. He doesn't want to waste Fabian's time with beating around the bush. But glancing over at Fabian's face, he can see the dark shadow underneath his eye, the bleariness of his expression; he had been about to go to sleep, hadn't he? Would it be kinder to wait until tomorrow? Or is that just cowardice speaking? ]

If you were gonna go to sleep anyway, you can go for it. [ He cracks a smile at Fabian. All things said and done, he looks astonishingly normal. He's always been good at that -- at appearing normal, even when things are anything but. Perhaps that's not entirely accurate: he's good at appearing as his normal. ]

[ There's a slight moment of surprise at the way Riz reacts, but then Fabian's lips curl up into a smile. Maybe not quite as bright as his usual ones, since there does seem to be a certain fatigue hanging over Fabian right now, but it doesn't seem fake either. ]

Do you have any idea how long it has been that we were able to hang out without some occasionally literal shadow hanging over us, The Ball? [ About a month. A little bit more. Maybe not that long, but considering for just how long they had to be extremely vigilant as to the suddenly very promiment dangers in this place, it felt pretty long to Fabian.

And though he thinks Riz deals with that stuff better, and even though he seems pretty normal in this moment despite all that happened - certainly better than he was doinbg before! - he can't help but want to make sure his friend is alright. Truly alright.

It's why he's already moving to step over to where Riz is, ready to join him in the (small) trek to the kitchen. ]

I'm not going to turn it down now we finally have a chance. And I am also definitely not turning down an amazing hot cocoa from you.

Edited 2024-11-27 19:58 (UTC)

[ Riz offers Fabian a small smile, shyer than his usual as he busies himself with making some hot cocoa. A part of him feels guilty about dragging this out, dragging Fabian into it when he seems glad just to hang out and not talk about this shit -- but just because someone seems okay doesn't mean that they are. He's learned that lesson quite thoroughly, the past few months. With Gorgug, of course, and how long he must have been infected without them knowing, but that was different. That was a possession.

With Fabian, not being okay and just acting like he is is an everyday affair. It shouldn't have taken Fabian breaking down in the middle of his new home saddled with a robot baby for Riz to have caught on (they're best friends, they live together, they're best friends), but it did. It's not a mistake he wants to make again, even if it worsens his admittedly alarming tendencies towards hypervigilance. ]

I don't know about amazing... but it'll definitely be hot chocolate, [ Riz says, shooting a crooked smile in Fabian's direction. He's at least making it properly this time - which is to say, with milk instead of water - as he fluidly hops onto the kitchen stool, dumping a packet of hot cocoa mix into milk and simply throwing in a handful of chocolate chips he generally keeps around to shove into his mouth by the handful.

He whisks it in, watching as the chocolate slowly melts, turning the mixture from a creamy white into a rich brown. It's easier to talk with his hands busy. ]

...how are you doing, anyway? After that whole thing. That was like... [ He glances behind him, ear twitching. ] That was fucked up, man.

[ It's okay to not be okay, people would always tell him. It's what he wants to tell Fabian too. Only... he doesn't know what comes after that. Nobody else ever seemed to have any ideas on that front either. ]

[ Fabian opens his mouth. It's pretty tempting to say something along the lines of 'we've dealt with fucked up plenty of times before,' but he can't bring himself to say those words at the last moment. It'd be one thing if Riz was pointing out that something that Fabian went through was fucked up. Fabian never minds downplaying his own business. It's easier, actually.

What he doesn't like is the idea of downplaying Riz's business. And he knows that all of this wasn't just fucked up for him. If anything, Fabian feels like it was actually the least fucked up for him out of all three of them, so he'll need to take a slightly different route.

A route which, apparently, right now involved shrugging a little bit as he moves over to let himself drop down onto a seat in the kitchen too, watching his friend work on that hot chocolate. ]

I'm alright.

[ It's not like it's a lie. Fabian is alright, isn't he? It's just like all the other things he's been through in this place - he's just got to keep on trucking. Especially when he's got Gorgug and Riz to look after right now.

He's pretty sure all of this is still bothering Riz, anyway. Especially if the other actually has to ask. ]

I mean, I feel like I should be asking you that. [ His posture straightens a little bit, Fabian further sitting up. His gaze travels up from where Riz's hands are working on the drink up towards the other's face. ] That thing you went through with Gorgug was pretty wild.

[ And Fabian knows it bothered Riz after it happened. He remembers how scared the other seemed about the two of them heading towards what ended up being that final battle - even though Riz had come along all the same, despite his worries and fears. ]

Oh... that.

[ That incident, more than anything else, is what had - has - Riz well and truly rattled. It's not the violence that was inflicted on him (and by a friend no less), as traumatic as that had been; they all live lives filled with rampant violence, and even in school, they prepare them for the inevitability of possessions, mind-control, body-control and all manner of other spells and tricks that can turn a party against each other. Hell, Fig tried to fucking sacrifice him to a dark god, and she'd been much more upset about it than Riz himself was.

In hindsight, Fabian was probably more spooked by the violence than Riz was too. He was in an unenviable position, swooping in for the rescue with Riz little more than a bloodied puddle on the ground, glasses snapped and nose beaten halfway into his face, wrist broken, shoulder twisted at an unnatural angle -- Fabian must have thought he was dead without a Cleric by his side to heal up the worst of it. And after all that, he knows he wasn't able to reassure Fabian by being his usual, driven self. He'd turned into some sort of frightened prey animal, shaken in a way he rarely is. It had been up to Fabian to lead the charge, to scrape him off the ground, to get them going to do what needed to be done.

He's grateful for that, really. And he's grateful that Fabian doesn't know what had really rattled him about the whole thing. His hand stills where he's whisking the steaming hot milk, just for a moment, and then it continues on again. It's been long enough that he's managed to assume his usual stoicism in the face of everything, a fact that he's desperately glad for. ]

Yeah, that was pretty fucked up, [ he agrees readily. ] It's not like it's the first time, though, right? You guys weren't around for that part, but Fig had me tied up living-sacrifice style not so long ago. [ He shrugs with deceptive casualness. ] To be honest, I'd rather be in my position than theirs, even if dealing with a rogue-me would probably be, like, ten times easier.

[ If Riz went evil, Gorgug would have to hit him really, really hard just the one time, and it would be fine. Fabian would probably have to hit him maybe two or three times. It's probably a matter of strategy that he hasn't been mind-controlled yet.

He pours one mug of hot cocoa, then fills a second one up halfway to dump in an old, cooling pot of coffee in the rest of the way. He's more worried about Gorgug than he is about himself, but he doesn't say that much out loud. Fabian knows that already. He's worried too. They've discussed it to death, nitpicking what could possibly be the right thing to do, and figuring out how to execute it in a way that doesn't seem completely contrived.

But that's not what this is about. This is supposed to be about Fabian. ]

I don't think I ever thanked you for stepping up and leading the charge after all that. [ With a crooked sort of grin, his bottom fang snagging on his top lip: ] Real Captain Fabian-ass planning back there.

[ A good Captain, Riz means. Not like Bill, not that he'd voice that thought aloud, though there's a reason why he doesn't say Captain Seacaster. Bill wouldn't have ushered Riz into the charge with the sort of care Fabian did, wouldn't have let someone weak stand beside him, wouldn't have flinched at whaling on Gorgug the way Fabian did. Everything good about Fabian is the opposite of Bill. ]

[ Fabian drags the non-coffee mug of cocoa towards him as soon as it's done, listening to everything Riz is saying. Most of which is-- Well, it's not too surprising. Fabian is pretty sure Riz could go through anything and act like this about it afterwards. Surely he has to be thinking about it though, right? It has to be that he's just downplaying it. Fabian can't imagine going through all of that and seriously thinking nothing of it.

Especially when he's still feeling all sorts of ways about the entire situation. About the entire month they've been through. That can't just be a him thing, right? Especially when Riz had it way worse than him in comparison. ]

You don't have to thank me for that. [ He says, staring at Riz as he warms his hands up around the mug.

Really, had there been a choice? With the state Riz had been in, and with Gorgug being the problem, Fabian had to step up if he didn't want to lose both of his friends to the darkness of what had been going on until only just a few days ago. It never felt like a conscious decision to him. Just like something he had to do, because he utterly refused the alternative.

.. besides, he doesn't know if he really did as well as Riz is acting like he has. Sure, they managed to get Gorgug back, but Fabian doesn't think it's thanks to anything he did. Every solo attempt he made to try and get Gorgug back to normal failed. He didn't even recognize the early symptoms of it. The fact that Gorgug went back to normal had much more to do with Vanessa being taken out in that final battle than anything else.

Not that Fabian voices it though. He has a hard enough time talking about this stuff already, let alone when he's in front of a friend he instead wants to be listening to. It's all carefully being tucked underneath the carpet. ]

You're the one who came along with me, despite everything. [ Despite the fact Riz clearly had been scared. He can downplay it all now, but there's no way Fabian wouldn't have noticed that about his best friend and they had headed towards the final confrontation. ] And if you hadn't been there during that battle, I would likely have been dead, you know.

[ Please, Riz! You played a big role in all of this too! ]

[ That's enough to make Riz cringe. ]

Ugh, don't even say that out loud, man.

[ Fabian dead is -- an intolerable thought, even for a second. Yes, many of them had died at least once (even if they had been brought back to life), but Riz hadn't known Gorgug and Kristen back then like he knows them now. If it ever happened, Riz would go on the absolute warpath, only this time, the only person to go on the warpath against was Gorgug. And then what? Fabian gets revived by Aurora and comes back lacking his memories? He forgets his Mom or Dad, or Aguefort, or his awakening in Fallinell? Or he forgets Riz?

No. No dying allowed. Not here, not without Kristen. ]

You would've figured it out. It was just my job to make sure you didn't have to figure it out, [ Riz says firmly. His gratitude is genuine, though. He knows that Fabian took charge because he had to, but it's what Riz needed. Embarrassing as it is, sometimes what he needs is for someone else to take charge; go here, do this, eat something, drink something, you don't have to think about it, you just have to do it.

That's not the point here though, is it? He ducks his head, glancing down at his distorted reflection in the calm, glass-like surface of his coffee. ]

I, uh, did want to talk to you about it. Some of the stuff that happened. [ And some stuff from before, too. ] Is... that okay? [ He glances behind them. ] I don't really want Gorgug to walk in either.

[ Gorgug deserves his own set of apologies. Later. He will. He promises. Just not now, when they can barely look at each other in the eye. ]

.. uh. Sure.

[ His answer is a little uncertain, but it doesn't seem like it's because Fabian is opposed to the idea. He's more just a little.. surprised?

Mostly because this isn't really the sort of thing they do. Talking about stuff. Fabian isn't sure if other Bad Kids do it among themselves, but he can't recall many times that he and Riz just sat down and talked this seriously about something. A whole lot of stuff goes more unsaid most of the time, he thinks. Like a silent kind of support.

Then again.. if anything would be bad enough to make Riz talk, it'd probably be this entire situation they've been through, huh.

So Fabian nods, grabbing the hot chocolate and getting off the seat he was sitting on. ]

Let's go to my room then. [ Not that Fabian thinks Gorgug is very likely to leave his own room in his current condition, but.. who knows. Maybe he will have to get up to use the bathroom, or to grab something to eat.. Fabian's room is safer. He doesn't think Gorgug is likely to barge in there while he's still recovering.

So he's already urging Riz along to his room, closing the door behind them. As if he either doesn't care about the drink getting all over his bed or is plainly confident he won't spill it, Fabian sits down on the edge of his bed, looking over at the other.

And.. being quiet for a second. Because he's not really sure how to talk about things when it's not something they usually do. Trying to figure out how to go about this - to figure out what Riz exactly wants to tell him. ]

So.. [ ...

Awkward. ]

What's up?

Um...

[ Riz had a speech prepared. Sort of. He has a list of things he feels like he needs to feel sorry about, but standing here face to face with Fabian, he finds all of his words suddenly drying up. He pauses, glancing down at his hands as they fiddle incessantly. He's never been able to stay still, but it always worsens when he feels anxious - which is admittedly most of the time - as his claws clack clack clack against his mug, opting to stand in front of Fabian instead of sitting down beside him.

It's not just the apology, is the thing. It's that he wants Fabian to understand what he's saying, to accept (or not accept) the apology and not just brush it off in some showing of solidarity. He wants him to understand that Riz understands his failings, that he'll try harder, that maybe even he deserves to receive an apology every now and then that's not about some stupid fight. It's just... what's the right combination of words, at the right time? Is this the right time?

It has to be. ]

Nothing terrible has happened! [ He says instead, waving his hands. ] So don't worry about any of that. It's just --

[ Well, nothing to do for it but to say it. ]

Just hear me out, okay? [ Not the same old same old I have no problems Fabian Aramais Seacaster. Yes, Fabian killed that version of him, but... sometimes he still comes back from the dead. Pretty frequently, actually. ] I know the past few months have just been one shitty thing after another, and I wanted to -- I want to apologize.

[ He sets the mug on Fabian's bedside table, opting to shove his hands in his pockets to keep them still, his expression open and honest, as earnest as he's ever been. ]

I've been so focused on solving the mystery of this place that I haven't been paying enough attention to you guys. I'm the detective here. I should've noticed what was going on with Gorgug before it got so bad. And you shouldn't have had to deal with getting freaking -- possessed by Baron, and even after all that, you were the one who had to take point there. Instead of actually solving anything, I've just been chasing after ghosts.

[ Gorgug had a point, didn't he? He doesn't share enough with his friends. He doesn't pay enough attention to them. It's just the job, the mystery, the work -- but he failed at that too. He manages to keep his tone level, even. Not dispassionate, not quite, but this isn't about his emotions, here. It's about doing the right thing. It's about looking at where you've failed, and making amends, doing better, being a better friend. Another breath. ]

...I didn't notice how bad it got at Moorecroft until it was too late either. And after all that, I still dragged you along for a mission that wound up going absolutely nowhere.

[ And Fabian had gotten hurt. He'd gotten hurt, bad. They're used to it, this life of endless violence. Still. It should be for a reason. ]

So, um. I'm really sorry, man. I haven't done right by you guys.

[ He hasn't been doing his job. It's the whole reason he's here. It's the only thing he's ever been really good at, and this entire time, this whole past half-year, or whatever -- he's come up empty. And as a result, he hasn't fucked up just as a Rogue, or as a Detective, but as a friend. It's not a good feeling. There's only way to get rid of the feeling, though, and it's to do better.

He can do that. He's certain of it. ]

[ It's telling just how well Fabian is listening to Riz in this moment that he isn't piping up. Because he sure looks like he wants to, somewhere about halfway through Riz's entire story here. But Riz is putting such emphasis on hearing him out, so even though Fabian is practically bursting at the seams with the urge to speak - as he often is, but right now for different reasons than the usual - he just sits on his hands for now.

Or tries his best to do so, anyway.

Because it's hard. It's hard, since-- He doesn't even get why Riz is telling him any of this. It's hard to listen to a friend apologize to you when you aren't even sure what they're apologizing for. Oh, sure, Riz is naming a whole lot of stuff, but Fabian still doesn't see the reason as to why he needs an apology in the slightest.

So when Riz finally - or what feels like finally to an agonized Fabian, anyway - seems like he's done talking, Fabian only waits a moment more to make sure Riz is really done - but then he's quickly speaking up. ]

What do you mean?

[ There is emotion in Fabian's tone, unlike in Riz's own. Even if said emotion is - currently - mostly just confusion. ]

You are apologizing as if any of this is your fault. [ Which Riz does seem to believe, going by everything he's saying here.

But Fabian is rejecting this notion so hard that it's like it's going straight over the half-elf's head as he peers at his friend with his one eye. ]

[ If there was one thing that could stop Riz in his tracks, it's this. He knew that Fabian was probably going to try to make him feel better, or would tell him that it's fine even though it's clearly not (and it isn't!), but he wasn't expecting him to just act like he didn't understand at all! He pauses, a little slack-jawed, eyes searching Fabian's face for any hint that Fabian's pulling his leg.

Which he isn't. Fabian can be a bit of a bully when he gets a mind to do it, but he's never been cruel. ]

I thought I explained it pretty well, [ he says slowly, brow wrinkling as he plays his little speech back. Yup. He thinks he covered, like, 85% of what he'd planned to, which is more than he expected. ] Should I write it down...?

[ He thought writing a letter would be pussying out. But maybe that would be more clear? He's always been a better writer than a speaker. How can Fabian just fail to understand everything he's saying? ]

It's my responsibility. [ It's what he's here for -- the little thing that finds clues. ] And some of it is my fault, dude.

[ At least some of what Riz is saying right now is helping. Not to make the point more clear, because it's still all very baffling to Fabian, but the things Riz are saying do help Fabian trace the origin of the misunderstanding.

Not entirely, but at least it feels like he's getting closer. Which is a good thing, because he's pretty sure that otherwise they are just going to sit there staring at each other. And feeling baffled about it. ]

What is your responsibility?

[ Fabian can kind of see what Riz means from context clues, but that isn't the point. He needs Riz to say it out loud, just so hopefully he can hear - just like Fabian has already thought - how ridiculous that idea is.

Like all Riz is here for is just.. solving things. Picking up on clues. Yes, Riz is good at that, probably the best person at that sort of thing Fabian has ever seen.

But that doesn't mean that if he fails to pick up on something, it's immediately his fault. The thought of it is utterly crazy to Fabian, especially when it's not even a thing he would rank very high up on a scale of importance when it comes to their friendship.

So he's just here now - sitting there and staring at you, Riz. Staring at you kind of intensely until you give him an answer. ]

[ Riz gets the uncanny feeling that he's in trouble.

Which isn't inaccurate. He came to apologize because there was trouble, because he'd caused it - or hadn't managed to help evade any of it - and had been expecting to have a conversation about it, to take accountability for it, but certainly not to be questioned on it. Not with Fabian staring at him like that, focused and intent in a way he rarely ever gets.

And about this. About something so obvious that he feels stupid saying it aloud, tongue little more than a clumsy intrusion in his mouth all of a sudden. ]

Paying attention. Noticing things. Solving things, preferably. Making sure horrible little bone demons don't possess my best friend.

[ He says it with the air of vague confusion for having to actually say it out loud, like it's the most obvious thing in the world. Which, to Riz, it is. He's told anyone who's cared to listen to him that it's okay that he's not as big or strong or magical or charismatic as everyone else, because he fulfils an important niche in their party, a fact that he wholly believes. It's why he's here, what he does, how he shows he cares.

It's the whole reason they're friends in the first place. There was a mystery to be solved and, well... they solved it. ]

Well--

[ Hold on. Hold on. Fabian is trying to rapidly figure things out here, especially when Riz's tone when he speaks is also implying so much here.

So much that it almost feels like it's too much for Fabian's mind to contain, actually. The half-elf raises his hands up towards his hands, landing on either sides of it to rub at his temples. Like it's necessary in order to be able to process any of this. He's having a big think here, Riz! Some big thoughts going on up there. ]

Dude, the Ball--

[ He's still going through it. In fact, Fabian is definitely getting up to pace back and forth now. He's slowly starting to grasp a little bit what's going on in his friend's head here, but the more he thinks about it, the wilder is it. ]

Yes, you are good at solving things. The best of us, actually. By far! In fact, I don't think it would be any exaggeration to say you are practically the best at that out of everyone in Spyre! [ Look, Riz may be a hype man for his bestie. But it's not like Fabian doesn't have some very definitive faith in some of Riz's abilities, and he's not afraid to express it! (Now, anyway!) ] But that's not-- It's not your responsibility. You don't have to. And even if you'd just want to-- Everyone fucks up a little sometimes!

[ Maybe all the stuff that happened here is more than 'a little'.

But the difference is that Fabian doesn't blame Riz for any of that. It's never even crossed his mind.

He stops pacing, if not just so he can turn and actually look at the other. ]

Did you think I was blaming you?

[ What he's saying is clearly bothering Fabian. That's fine. Riz knew that Fabian would be bothered by it even after he got up the nerve to do it, which is exactly why he asked Fabian to give him time to explain, which is why he doesn't understand what the hell Fabian isn't understanding here. As far as Riz is concerned, he's gone about this very logically; if you took a look at a list side-by-side of his successes and failures here, if you look at everything that he's done and said and promised and fought for, it paints a vivid picture. It's not the sort of thing you can just argue your way out of, failure. He has evidence. Lists. Cold, hard facts. The fact that he's fucked it all up isn't just some feeling of misplaced guilt -- he's practically got a thesis here.

This is not an argument that Fabian would find compelling, he's aware. Adaine would get it. He stands perfectly still save for his pupils steadily tracking Fabian across the room, to-and-fro, to-and-fro, to-and-fro, fingers anxiously twisting together, thin shoulders hunched, jaw clenched.

Is that the problem? That Fabian thinks that Riz has cast judgment on him as some sort of judgy asshole? ]

No! [ He protests swiftly, emphatically, though his expression looks lost. ] No, I didn't think that. But someone can let you down without you blaming them. Where the blame lands doesn't have anything to do with what actually happened.

[ God knows that's one of Fabian's best and worst traits. He has a bleeding heart, even if it's covered up with pomp and bluster and a strain of cheerful ignorance. Hell, as far as Fabian's concerned, Bill Seacaster had been a wonderful father and not an abusive piece of shit (who had nonetheless loved him, Riz can begrudgingly admit in the privacy of his own head), his mother a delightful woman and not some asshole who spent all the time she should've spent with her son drunk off her ass.

No, Fabian's big heart isn't necessarily the best judge of character. Best investigator in Spyre, his ass. ]

This is what I do. This is what I'm -- [ good for; it dances on the tip of his tongue before he realizes how poorly it will be received.

Despite so much working against him, he's always been a proud person, a pride he can only muster out of having intrinsic faith in his abilities, his big brain and his quick wit, his sticky fingers and his skill with a gun. Once he's stripped of all that, what's left? ]

I don't think anyone could call these little fuck-ups.

[ He almost asks Fabian to just accept the damn apology already, but even he's aware that that's not how apologies work. ]

[ It feels like there's something here he can't really figure out. Because Riz keeps going on about this. It's like he's insisting on apologizing, and Fabian.. doesn't get it? Sure, he can understand maybe Riz seeing fault where Fabian thinks there is not, but he thought he cleared that much up with the things he said, so that can't be it. Because Riz is still insisting. Like he's trying to shove this apology at Fabian so hard, and Fabian just doesn't know why.

And Riz is like this sometimes, right? Fabian likes to think he knows the other pretty well by now. Sometimes he can predicts Riz's habits right before they kick in, which makes him feel pretty smart. But there are also moments where the other's mind seems like a total mystery to him.

Like right now. ]

Do I decide if I was let down, or do you?

[ He stops pacing. The energy is still there in Fabian, but he wants to make sure to stand still when he looks at Riz, when he asks these things.

Because Fabian knows the answer to that question. It's his decision, of course. Doesn't the person being hurt decide whether or not they want an apology? And he wasn't even hurt by Riz in the first place! Not even by some weird idea the other has gotten into his head of screwing up. ]

What do you really want to tell me? [ .. a beat, and then: ] Don't make me use Jawbone talk. Neither of us wants Jawbone talk.

Edited 2025-03-22 20:00 (UTC)

I don't.

[ Riz's hands reach up to tangle in his messy curls - for how fastidious he is with his personal grooming, he's neglected his hair for some time now, long enough to tickle at the nape of his neck and terribly tangled on a good day - and yanks at it, the pressure on his scalp centering him. ]

I don't know if you'd ever decide I let you down. You're too nice for that.

[ It's something nobody would ever say about Fabian Aramais Seacaster, or at least something nobody would ever say about him unless they actually know him, really know him. That underneath all that confidence and bluster, his tendency to speak his mind as loudly as possible, his willingness to strike first and ask questions later and his own attempts to bolster his own ego, he is well and truly kind. Especially to those he loves, and despite his insecurities, Riz knows that he's within those ranks.

It's why it's more important than ever that he try to be a good friend, because god knows Fabian isn't going to be the one keeping him accountable. But if receiving the apology just agitates him more, then what's the point of it?

He asked for forgiveness, he received it. But a part of him wishes that Fabian would just blame him instead. Somehow, that would feel more honest. He sniffs, mind racing, wondering if he should just turn tail and run. There's a moment where he's visibly thinking about it, bouncing on the balls of his feet, eyes darting tellingly towards the door. ]

I'm just -- I've been made aware of some -- I'm just trying to do the right thing.

[ That's it. He gave his best shot of it. And he's looking like a real flight risk, even if all he did was burst in and make Fabian's night worse. ]

[ Is he too nice for that? Fabian finds the statement kind of baffling, since he doesn't feel like it's true at all. If anything, he feels like he's always willing to complain very loudly about anyone who wrongs him - as is his right! Isn't that why he's always being so loud about how terrible this place is? Because it doesn't sit right with him that it treats him and all his friends and all these other people this way. It's just an objective truth.

He thinks Riz just doesn't realize that it's not that Fabian is too nice, but because he doesn't think Riz has done anything wrong in this regard. And yet the other still seems to blame himself with such intensity.

It's kind of crazy.

And it's not hard to tell that the goblin is thinking about sprinting out of Fabian's room. He's known Riz for long enough to know this tell, especially when he has seen Riz in many a social situation that the other wanted to just leave. But letting Riz leave now-- It'd feel bad. It'd feel like they left something unfinished, and Fabian won't stand for that.

So he reaches forward - standing up a little to cover the gap between them - until he can wrap his arms around Riz, pulling the other back onto the bed with him as he moves to sit down. Half onto the bed, half onto Fabian's lap, that is, since he's still not releasing the other one from his arms even when they're on the bed. He's just holding onto Riz.

Hugging him.

(He's mostly doing it for Riz, really, perhaps hoping this will get through to him - but maybe it's also a little bit for Fabian himself, who has had a rough time the past month as well.) ]

You know how you could do the right thing? [ He squeezes Riz a little. ] By not saying such rude things about my best friend.

[ Fabian huffs, but it's not quite as vapid and dramatic as it usually is.

It's a little more quiet. A little more genuine. ]

All you have to do is just be here with me, Riz. [ Not The Ball. Not this once. ] And you haven't let me down in that.

Edited 2025-04-06 13:17 (UTC)

[ When Fabian tugs him forward, Riz goes completely rigid, ears pressed tightly against his head, shoulders hunched, knees locked -- it's not running away, but it's not leaning into the embrace like he usually would either. Once fleeing is out of the question for him, it seems like the only other recourse his flailing mind has is to simply... freeze.

He had a script, was the thing. He would apologize, and then Fabian wouldn't quite understand, but after Riz explained himself, then maybe he would, and he'd accept his apology, and everything would be better after that. And if he followed the script, he could maintain his rock solid composure, hold onto what was left of his dignity, and all the tumult he's been feeling inside would remain nobody's problem but his own. Everyone knows that if you start blubbering at someone when you apologize, it's not a real apology. It's just self-serving. And Riz is good at that, at keeping everything locked away in a little box and pushed deep down where it will never be anyone else's problem, because Riz is a good kid, a pleasure to teach, a straight-A student, with all of his numerous neuroses tucked away where they don't need to be anyone else's problem.

But it's why he's tried to keep Fabian - and Gorgug, for that matter - at arms length. Because the second something like this happens, with Fabian being all nice and understanding (his best friend, Riz, Riz Gukgak, not The Ball, his best friend) and pulling him forward where he can't hide anymore, he knew it would crumble away. His fingers curl and unfurl where his arms are rigid at his side, over and over again, as though he can expel all the bad feelings through the tips of his fingers so they won't explode in a much more humiliating way. ]

I --

[ He can hear the way his voice trembles treacherously, tongue leaden and lame. He wants to protest that just being here isn't enough, but how can he when Fabian says it like that? ]

Gorgug said -- it wasn't Gorgug, but it didn't mean, didn't mean he wasn't thinking about it, or that it was wrong, and if he was thinking it, then maybe you...

[ Maybe you were thinking it too, he means, only able to confess that much now that he doesn't have to look Fabian in the eye. His voice, normally so forthright and confident, sounds very, very small. ]

I just wish I could figure out how to get us home.

[ That's it, isn't it? At the core of it, that's what's wrong. Because Fabian is miserable here, vocally so, ground down by months of going through his paces. Because Gorgug's miserable here, having been victimized and abused and twisted. Because back home, they could be surrounded by their friends, and Gorgug would have his parents back to help guide him through all this, and even if Fabian's dumb Mom left, Riz could keep him company there, and everything would be better. Everything would be fixed, if he could just figure out one small thing. His body relaxes, inch by inch, narrow shoulders curling into Fabian's embrace. Fabian's skin grows damp where Riz has tucked his face into the crook of his neck. Toxic masculinity might be dead for Fabian, but crying has never become less embarrassing to Riz. His fingers tangle themselves in the fabric of Fabian's shirt. He sniffs, feeling terribly grateful. ]

It's not like I'd ever go anywhere without you.

[ Even if he was offered the opportunity to go home tomorrow, he wouldn't take it, even if he misses his Mom and the girls something terrible. Not without Gorgug, and not without Fabian. It's not something Fabian has to point out, because it's the way things should be. It's kind of nice that he does anyway. ]

[ It's a little awkward.

Sure, toxic masculinity is dead. Sure, Fabian has accepted Riz as his best friend, having their own special little bond. Sure, Fabian is glad that Riz is actually talking about this stuff, rather than insisting on some weird, semi-formal apology. Like they're coworkers at an office job, rather than actual friends.

But that doesn't mean that Fabian fully knows what to do when someone is crying. And Riz is full on crying. Obviously crying. He couldn't hide it from Fabian like this, which means the half-elf is completely aware of what's going on here - and he doesn't know what to do. It's not like people cry around him, generally speaking. Gorgug had, just as upset - if not more - as Riz right now about everything that happened the past month, but when Gorgug had cried upon waking up after everything, Fabian felt the same way as he's doing right now. Both his friends are crying, and he--

He thinks of Cathilda. It's the only thing he can do. He can't think of papa, or mama, because he never showed weakness to them. He couldn't. It didn't feel right. But sometimes it slipped out around Cathilda before he could stop it, and he does remember her holding him like this too.

Fabian remembers her friends gently in his hair, so he does the same. Still holding Riz with one arm, he shifts the other one a little to gently move his fingers through the smaller guy's hair. It's no grand gesture, just.. a small, subtle thing. Like Fabian doesn't even want to draw attention to it, since it is a little awkward, and a little embarrassing.

But his desire to make sure Riz is okay is far, far stronger than either of those emotions. ]

I know. [ He just says, slowly, after a moment of quiet. ] It sucks to feel helpless.

[ Because that's it, isn't it? It's the thing that makes Fabian scream and rant and rave about this place all the time, because he can't do anything else about it. It's what has gotten Riz so upset, because this place is apparently something he can't just detective away the way he usually does. ]

Especially when there wasn't a problem we couldn't solve before.

[ We he says, even now. It's always been a them thing. All of them. Fabian has never blamed any of his five friends for not being able to solve something right away - it's something they were always in together. A collective.

Only half the collective here now, but it still counts, as far as he's considered. ]

[ Riz is trying not to cry, truly. It's obvious in the way that his shoulders hunch and still, holding his breath as though that will stop the inevitable flow of tears (he'd done this when he was young too, he remembers, up until his Mom would slap him on the back and sternly remind him to breathe), hands trembling with the effort to just stop already. He doesn't. He can't, especially not with Fabian's hand brushing through his hair in the sort of soft, comforting gesture he hasn't had since...

Since he came here, really. Much to his horror, it makes the tears come faster. For all that his mother has been absent, he's been used to her gentle, comforting touch, a hand rubbing his back to wake him up after he's fallen asleep, clawed fingers combing through his hair to try to tame it before school, a squeeze of his shoulders when she comes home to him dozing in front of the television. He's horribly homesick underneath it all, and the only things that feel like home are this -- Gorgug and Fabian, and the little, broken home that they've made. ]

Ugh. [ Riz lets out a small, disgusted sound at his own tears, voice thick and probably a little snotty at this point. ] Sorry, I'm all gross.

[ He's probably not going to stop apologizing anytime soon, but at least this time, it's for something else. ]

...what do we even do?

[ It's more rhetorical than anything else. He knows that Fabian doesn't know either. It's why he didn't want to burden the guy with all of this. But he doesn't know where to go from here -- if they're just stuck being this miserable all the time, or how to solve it. If they can't solve the mystery, what's even left to do? ]

[ Riz is being gross. Fabian can confirm that. If not just because the other is ensuring that Fabian will have to throw this entire outfit into the laundry after this.

But right now he'll show the other some mercy by not comforting that out loud as well. Especially while he has that question to think about.

A question without a real answer.

That's the though part about all this, isn't it? If that question had an easy answer, then Fabian wouldn't have been struggling in this place for as long as he already has. He's been chomping at the bit for a chance to do anything about Aurora, about Echo, about finding a way back, but he hasn't been able to find as much as a trace of how to fix that. As far as he's been able to see, they're just stuck at the mercy of Aurora and Echo's whims. ]

I don't know.

[ So he has to admit that. As much as Fabian would love to show off his usual bluster here, to proudly talk about action, he can't provide Riz what he needs.

He can't even provide himself what he needs, after all. ]

I don't know either, The Ball.

[ It's why he can't blame Riz for not having been able to find anything yet. At least that's the upside, as much as there's otherwise only downsides to having to admit to such a shitty reality. ]

[ Of course Fabian doesn't know. Riz doesn't think anyone knows. Some people here seem really convinced of their own brilliance, even accuse others here of not caring enough to get out of here, but nobody has managed to figure out how unless they were one of the few to get spirited away. And several people Riz had befriended, had felt close to have been spirited away by now, people who would have come and gotten him and Gorgug and Fabian, so that's probably not it either. A part of him thinks that it's just impossible -- but he can't accept that. He can't accept a world in which they're trapped here forever, where all of this is just meaningless.

But... Fabian doesn't think it's his fault. He still thinks that Fabian is biased, that he's not seeing Riz with the clarity that he should, but it's not taking advantage of his nature to just roll with it, is it? The only people they can count on for unilateral support here is each other. He manages to disentangle himself from Fabian, still a little uncomfortable with his own vulnerability, and curls up in a ball next to him, knees pushed up to his chest and cheek mashed into his knees, carefully schooling his breathing to try to calm himself down. ]

Yeah. I know. We are going to find a way out of here. I just... hope we're all still okay by then, [ he says softly. There's still Gorgug, and everything he's dealing with, the fact that Riz hadn't managed to come through with him either, the fact that he and Fabian are absolute messes by now, no matter how hard they try to keep it inside. He turns his head away to wipe surreptitiously at his eyes, ridding himself of his treacherous tear tracks as though he hadn't just oozed all over Fabian's shoulder. ]

[ Honestly, Riz is speaking words that could as well have come right out of Fabian's own heart. Even without thinking about himself here - because even with all of Fabian's complaining about this place, when he gets really serious with thinking about it, he's mostly thinking about his friends in this context - he's worried about what this place could still do to him. It really did a number on both Gorgug and Riz during everything that happened the past few weeks, and though Fabian wants to believe they can both bounce back from this..

.. well, he's never really seen either of these two like this. It's rough. It's-- It's dumb, and it makes him angry, because they didn't have to go through this. There was no reason for it. If there's one thing Fabian will never forgive this place for above all else, it's that fact. ]

We will be.

[ He can't know that for sure, but he's going to say it anyway. He can't give an answer for how they're going to get out of here, but gods be damned if Fabian isn't going to somehow drag both of his friends through this to make sure they're alright. ]

We'll look after Gorgug. It might take a while, but.. he'll get through this. [ Even if it's going to be so difficult in the meantime to see Gorgug like this. But it's.. fine. It's fine. Fabian already was there next to Gorgug while the other woke up and cried his eyes out, and he's going to continue being there, and eventually it's just going to have to get better. He'll find a way.

He moves his arm, only then realizing how wet his shirt is right where Riz face was, and he idly brushes his hand against the fabric as if to get the tear stains out of it that way.

(Of course, it does nothing.)

Then he extends the hand to lightly shove it against Riz's shoulder. ]

And you're going to be fine too, The Ball. Don't you have me right here? [ He's saying it in that classic Fabian 'tch' kind of way.. Still a little tsun tsun after all this vulnerability.. Or just wanting to seem like the strong one in the middle of this mess, really. ]

[ Riz is quiet for a moment, mainly because he's been robbed of his typical bravado. Though he has a tendency to be an anxious wreck half the time - or more - he's usually confident of his ability to stay stoic and focused during a crisis situation, but any scoff of I'm always fine seems too disingenuous, even for him. As embarrassed as he is of his red-stained eyes, he turns to look at Fabian, searching his face for any sense of true confidence.

He's not sure if Fabian believes himself or not. But him and Fabian -- as much as he jokes about them being Captain Fabian and The Ball, they're equals. He can't be looking at Fabian for guidance like a kid would look to an adult. They're in this thing together, and Fabian's going to need him to get it together too, right? They need to take care of each other. And they need to take care of Gorgug, the true victim of this entire mess. He breathes slow and deep, letting himself still, letting himself calm. If he can do that in a combat situation, he can do that here, safe and sound sitting beside his best friend, with no fight immediately confronting them save for the aftermath of everything else.

He can work up a smile. It's not a big one, all squinted eyes and toothy grins like he usually is, but it's not a fake one either. That's gotta be better than anything else he can do he figures, elbowing Fabian a little in the side as though he can adopt some of his friend's poorly-founded bravado. ]

Yeah. I got you. And you got me. And Gorgug's got both of us.

[ That's got to count for something. They're not as good as cheerleading as the girls - well, as Fig and Kristen; for all that he loves and respects Adaine, he imagines she would have lost patience with their pity party within the day - but they're going to be there for him in whatever way they can figure out. ]

...when it's your turn to have a meltdown, you can have it in my room, okay?

[ He knows Fabian isn't -- great. And that he can't break down now, not when both Riz and Gorgug have evidently fallen apart on him. But if it happens later (when it happens later), hopefully he does the same stupid thing that Riz does instead of pacing around in his room alone. ]

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