[ CLOSED ] face to face we dance with our story

[ivan]

WHO: Ivan (ivan) and Till (pethetic)
WHEN: Shortly after their discussion on Chirper
WHERE: Till's apartment
WHAT: Um. A lot probably, with Ivan having avoided Till for a month+ at the epicenter.
NOTES\WARNINGS: Alien Stage has a lot of triggers in and of itself. Both of these guys are dead. One is an obsessive, stalker freak who never got to learn any better and has 100 mental illness and the other is a little man with humongous feelings that are falling apart and he also has 100 mental illnesses. If you'd like more details of what you might encounter, feel free to check out Ivan's info post here.


[ ...well. till wasn't wrong when he guessed ivan knew where he lived. it's not really something ivan gives a second thought to, or whether or not it's "wrong."

and, perhaps, in true ivan fashion, and after hesitating for a moment (who is he????), he... lets himself in, slowly.

because i need to leave room for you to describe till's room, if you want.

this isn't a very familiar feeling. especially not with till. the closest thing he can relate this to is watching till run back toward the garden that night, before it was replaced with the most pain he'd ever felt, so much that he'd smiled.

from then, it started to make sense: till was for ivan, but ivan wasn't for till.

that's what he'd thought, anyway. ]

Comments

sends out a tag before takeoff

[ivan]

[ till is like a sleepy kitten, and ivan is endeared by it as till leads him to the bathroom.

he shouldn’t be, though. ivan pretty quickly connects the dots: till said he felt abandoned. he wanted to sleep with ivan not for any romantic sort of reason, but because he was scared. till is scared now, too. ]

Unless you’re coming in with me, you have to let go.

[ maybe the suggestion will be enough to embarrass till a little, put some of that energy back into him. ]

god speed. also almost sent this reply as hikaru. jfc

[pethetic]

[Till does let go, and he wordlessly thuds his back against the wall. he glowers at Ivan as if to say he's watching, even if he won't go inside with him.

Till is doing very well and has been feeling very Sane and Normal and hasn't at all deranged from the impact of various mounting and intersecting traumas so go piss girl]

trauma really changed till into a whole other guy /s

[ivan]

[ when till doesn’t even show a hint of being embarrassed or angry about being teased, ivan feels his stomach squeeze.

nothing to do but go piss (girl).

so. he does????

i’m not gonna describe it. but he DOES wash his hands. wow, the soap till uses…

ivan exits the bathroom, turning his head to find till still there, as expected. um. maybe he can try something else.

lifting his hands, wet from his decision not to dry them, ivan places them on till’s cheeks. ]

[pethetic]

[it does work to shock Till—he knows Ivan washed his hands, he heard it, but his overactive lizard brain getting touched with wet hands on the face after he’s taken Ivan to the bathroom is enough to make him scream as he swats away Ivan’s hand.

he groans, using the backs of his wrists to wipe off his face.]

Ivan, what the hell are you doing…

[Till distantly recognizes it may be because it’s Till who’s acting weird. he’s becoming… somewhat lucid. but he almost feels more tired than he did when he fell asleep on Ivan initially, now that his body’s really getting a taste.]

Ugh. Weirdo…

[ivan]

[ what a cute scream; it’s been a while since ivan’s gotten to hear that. too long, really. ]

Didn’t miss that part of me, huh? [ ivan laughs, a muted sound under his breath. ] Hey. Have you gotten to learn about “cats” yet?

[pethetic]

Mm... [yes, obviously. or. wait. uh. no comment.

to the question about cats, Till narrows his eyes, raising an eyebrow as he cuts a sideways glare to Ivan.]

"Cats"? No.

Feels like there's just endless crap I don't know about... [sucks, being among a bunch of humans but being really alienated (ha) from them...] Why?

[ivan]

They make me think of you. [ even that narrow-eyed glare reminds ivan of a cat.

anyways, ] You should sleep more.

[pethetic]

...!?

[Till holds the lower half of his face as he looks away. how's he supposed to even take that if he doesn't know what they are?!

he glances back at Ivan when Ivan makes the pretty obvious suggestion, Till stares at him uncertainly. he doesn't have the balls to order Ivan to stay, but it's true that he isn't yet confident to his bones he'll see Ivan after tonight.]

...Can you still... stay with me?

[it's humiliating to ask, but Till can't bear the alternative right now.]

god ivan would not be ok (positive) if till bossed him around but it was to be near him

[ivan]

I will. [ ivan doesn’t pick till up this time, but he does offer his hand to him. he figures till will end up grabbing onto him either way.

that, and maybe he should tone down the teasing. it’s just… comforting to see any semblance of till being “okay.” maybe ivan is selfish. ]

RIP...would be so good.....

[pethetic]

[Till is selfish, too. and childish. hence the whole ask that's a thinly veiled demand, anyway. Till would normally be so much more forceful, but he's for now without the confidence to be that way, feeling like this comfort he has is so fragile and fleeting.

Till snags Ivan's sleeve, glance dropping away in both general bashfulness and humiliation, leading him back to his bed.

feeling too awkward to just. wait for Ivan to get into his bed, or watch him do it (even worse), Till just.... shoves Ivan over onto his bed. he may be weak right now, and Ivan's big—but there's the element of surprise here. Till then crawls beside him after gesturing for him to scoot over. how this is less embarrassing than waiting is a mystery only other geminis can understand]

🤤

[ivan]

[ though till doesn’t take ivan’s offered hand, him being unwilling to do so is more familiar. so… maybe it’s better. something like that.

that solemn feeling is bumped out of the way when he suddenly finds himself prone on till’s bed. ivan pushes himself up, barely any time to pummel his excitement into submission as till motions for him to move over. ivan is… he’ll just… stare at the ceiling again. ]

[pethetic]

[Till is.....again, a bit more lucid. so it's hard to just sleep on Ivan, like he had; even just tangling up their ankles or their shins. so he stares at Ivan, who stares at the ceiling—he feels the sandbag heavy weight of sleepiness eminently, but... he can't fall asleep, because when he wakes up, Ivan will probably be gone. he has to get over himself enough to lay on Ivan again. it was fine the first time, right? why can't he bring himself to do it again...?

Till sighs a little, gaze dropping as he thinks; his fingers flex and relax to and from a fist.]

You know...

If you leave... while I'm asleep...

I won't even have a way to contact you...

I don't know where you live... I don't know your handle on the messenger forum thing or whatever, outside of Chirper... [which, as Ivan helpfully pointed out, is public...]

What happens if you leave...? Will you let me find you...?

idk wtf this is so long for lmao sorry

[ivan]

[ at the first words out of till’s mouth, ivan turns his head to fix his gaze on till, instead. his expression becomes more neutral as he takes time to think.

ivan still isn’t sure if he deserves to be by till’s side. it’ll take a bit to logic out everything as he contends with his desire to stay by till’s side and to be wanted, and the things that inspired that want in till. he’s not quite sure how to just “let go.” till apparently doesn’t care, but does care, so how can he not care?

maybe that’s what ivan will do when till sleeps again. go over those messages. unhealthily fixating on this and the last month and his feelings about the truth of what he left till with is super okay.

well. more okay than how till’s doing. probably?

but that… is… something they can talk about, right? when till is… better. it’s just difficult for ivan not to think of how this is his fault while still loving till the way he does.

he doesn’t know how long he’s been quiet for, but ivan knows that, as strong-willed and rebellious as till is, that doesn’t come from nowhere. till has big emotions, so many emotions, so much vim and vigor and passion— it doesn’t come without having a soft heart. ivan wishes he could understand it better. maybe that’s impossible for him.

turning on his side again, ivan cautiously reaches his hand out toward till, like one might reach out to a scared anim—… cat. he sweeps his bangs away from his eyes just as carefully. ]

…as long as you don’t hate me… no, even if you hate me, as long as you want me around, I’ll always come find you if you don’t find me first. [ a pause, and ivan smiles, though it doesn’t quite meet his eyes. ] Also, my handle is the same as it is on Chirper. You can come see where I live when you feel better.

[ ivan pulls his hand back to rest at his side. ]

I won’t leave while you’re asleep. If I need to get up, do you want me to wake you? Is it less scary then waking up to me moving?

HOW COULD I BE MAD ABOUT SO MUCH POPCORN

[pethetic]

[Till's anxiety ramps in this brief silence as Ivan does his person-math, his heart thudding heavily, giving no charge to his energy while he's so crushed by weary exhaustion.

he almost goes to grab Ivan's hand, but it recoils to Ivan's side; Till's shyness chases his impulse away, but his feelings aren't hurt; he's content, if that's the right word even?, to have Ivan by his side.]

...Yeah, [Till answers, with plenty iota for embarrassment.]

It would be less...

[he can't even finish his words of confirmation. humiliated, as the one who always refuted Ivan to becoming someone who would probably tie him up if it meant he didn't indefinitely leave again, Till tucks his head, hiding away. he knows he's, for the moment, such a far cry of the spirited rebel he's been all his life; in their time apart, he knows in retrospect that may have been part of Ivan's fascination with Till.

and is he worthy, outside of those parameters? if he's weak, does he deserve that devotion? does attraction dictate how well people do or don't treat you? his delirious mind circles back a couple of paces, and he lifts his head, peering with teary, red eyes over his arm up at Ivan.]

...I wouldn't want those things if I hated you... and if I did, I wouldn't want you to accommodate me that way...

[god, why does this sting so bad? maybe with the "even if you hate me" element, it belies Ivan's loyalty...but would that extend if Ivan wasn't attracted to him? if Ivan didn't want him, the way he's recently kind of learned? as someone who knows so little about that kind of thing...]

I-if you do leave while I'm asleep...

[Till can't figure out how to articulate this vulnerability, even all these things considered. Ivan's given his word, and he'd been silent on his pleading—maybe that's its own kind of honesty, but... Till worries. isn't it just so easy to lie?]

...Just. Please don't. I...

[apparently Till is just beyond logic, right now. Till lifts his head a little more, tears now brimming and clinging to his lower lashes. he can’t get it out. the guilt he feels, over everything. even though he’s mad, too. but most of all, how he took Ivan for granted.]

u flatter me……

[ivan]

[ ivan’s eyes scan over till’s face, and he continues to look at him even after he’s hidden his face away. he’s kept his expression pretty level, but he looks a little moved, a little jolted when he sees till is crying again, to the point his eyes are red— probably from both exhaustion and crying. ivan said he wouldn’t leave. till accepted the offer to have ivan wake him if he needed to. that’s apparently not enough reassurance.

as till shifts, ivan does, too. he reaches out to thumb at some of the tears clinging to till’s eyelashes and… brings his thumb to his mouth, tongue poking out to lick their saltiness away, eyes closed to indulge before he meets till’s eyes. yeah. sorry.

…it’s… somehow not as good as he expected. maybe it’s because ivan is the cause of those tears.

he reaches out for till after— till had laid on him first, before, so it was fine, right?— and gathers him into his arms. ]

Till. I won’t leave. I’ll wake you up if I need to get up. But I won’t leave your apartment.

[ what’s wrong with him? till begging for him to stay should be a dream come true— something ivan never could have expected to get, being dead aside. till wanting him close all the time should fall in with those same desires. the guilt ivan feels over the trauma he’s left till with plays into it, definitely. he’s going to have to figure out how to get over it. for till.

he… thinks…?

ivan sighs, quiet, with no real emotion behind it, and holds till a little closer. ]

[pethetic]

[Till is a bit sobered up from his irrational, emotional spiral there from the sheer audacity and weirdness of Ivan's freak as usual. he mumbles a little "Ivan, what," but lets it go. he's too tired to get up in arms about how deranged Ivan is.

his eyes widen, startled when he's pulled in like that. his face gets a bit hotter, and he tucks his head as if to hide away. he lets it happen. worse, needs it.

it's so strange—never in his life would he have guessed wanting Ivan's touch, much less taking away so much comfort from it.]

Good... You better not... I'd have to tie you down, or something...

[is that Till's delirious, weak attempt at a joke

...is it...]

[ivan]

[ that offer maybe shouldn’t make ivan’s heart skip a beat, but it does. the two wolves in his head really need to decide who’s winning.

he rests his cheek against till’s head again, belated realizing if till falls asleep in his hold like this, he can’t review those messages unless till rolls away in his sleep, or some other sort of reason that’d make him move. an oversight… till being open to his affection is extremely new— till would let ivan hang off of him but never reciprocate— and so ivan’s thoughts and planning aren’t yet aligned with these changes in till. ]

Do you want to? You’d have to untie me every time I needed to get up, though. It would be annoying for you.

[ … then again, how long is this change for? permanent? temporary? is it something this place did to till?

…he knows the answer to that last part, but he’s thinking of till’s willingness to receive affection from him, and not—… nevermind. that might also have the same answer. ]

[pethetic]

I-I'm not gonna actually tie you up!

[don't think he doesn't notice that heart rate tick! Till isn't surprised, though—he's making voluntary contact with someone who's sexually attracted to him. and a freak. so he just ignores it.

for once, though, Till doesn't blame Ivan for taking him at face value (...he thinks. it's hard to tell)... he knows he's being weird as fuck. he's never felt so off center, and he's just clinging by his bitten-down fingernails to his last bits of sanity.

Till isn't sure if this is going to be forever, either—he's not sure he wants it to be. it feels strange... too vulnerable. but he doesn't want Ivan to end up feeling rejected, either. well. shit.

whatever, he'll kick that bridge when he gets to it. he can't worry about anything right now. he can't spare the energy to think about consequences, yet.

but... Ivan's feelings... right...

Till has to be more careful with them. this time, he'll be a little more considerate if he can manage it... a second chance.

ah. shit. Till rubs his eyes, sniffling, a growl rolling from his throat.]

God damn it already...

[he is SO TIRED OF CRYING. Till seems like he's about to yell at himself.]

[ivan]

[ ivan smiles, small but there, chuckling quietly under his breath. yeah. he figured not. ivan really wouldn't mind it, though...

till falls quiet for a moment, but ivan can tell he hasn't fallen asleep, or even relaxed. this isn't the breathing or the posture of a till on the verge of sleep. not a few moments later is till rubbing at his eyes, ivan jerking back a little to avoid getting smashed in the face with till's hard head.

the rise of the volume of his voice and the way it quivers is telling of two things, and ivan is aware he's not good at this kind of thing, but, for whatever reason, he's been given another chance at life, or... whatever this is. another chance to be by till's side.

ivan raises up on his elbow as he readjusts, holding till's face between his hands. till probably won't like being unable to hide, but, it's hard to hide from ivan, anyway. he's still smiling, lopsided now, and the look in his eyes give a sort of sad twist to it. ]

You cry so much. But you won't get in trouble for it, anymore. So you should cry if you need to. [ ivan thumbs at till's tears, no taste test this time. ] Or should I cheer you on, instead? [ ivan leans back in, nuzzles his nose against till's. ] Do your best, cheer up...

[pethetic]

[Till jolts a bit when Ivan takes his face, blinking down some tears in confusion.

hearing he won't get in trouble anymore... Ivan's support... it makes fresh tears well up in their place, and he jumps again when Ivan—

nuzzles? his nose?? WHAT IS THAT. why is this dude inventing the weirdest gestures of affection all the time!!

trying to be mindful, since...Ivan is being nice (and obedient)... but he can't handle it. it makes him think of when Ivan kissed him; it's so close he can feel Ivan's breath, like he could on stage. it makes him remember how strange the experience was, besides terrifying and confusing. but like this, Ivan's breath is slower. it feels warm.

ears red, Till grabs Ivan's wrists to pry his hands off, dropping his head with embarrassment. he's thought about that kiss about as much as he's thought about Ivan's death. apparently, it really is a thing humans do... but the context is...

Till sniffles, unsure what to say. his instinct is to smack Ivan and yell at him, but he can't bring himself to do it. not this time...]

I-it's too much...

[sure, Till has been forcibly demanding literal goddamn cuddling and practically has his face in Ivan's tits, but apparently he does still have some boundaries.]

[ivan]

[ ivan operates on gay energy and pining (and being a freak). he’s good at inventing these things that already exist(ed)— that the two of them are unaware of— by that alone.

unfortunately, it’s seemed to really backfire this time. it’s always backfired, but it feels more important here. it feels less like messing with till for fun and more like a failure in what ivan is blindly trying to do. too much. ivan isn’t certain in what way, and he’s going to have to figure that out, but will he be able to? it’s only been a few hours, and till has been asleep for most of them. ivan might have to talk to other people here just for help navigating this.

till’s ears are red, but that could be anything from anger to embarrassment. ivan scoots away from him, giving till more space, fixing his face in a smile. he takes his hands back from till and raises them in front of himself for a moment, as if in surrender. ]

…Okay.

[pethetic]

[oh no.

Till is learning—he finds Ivan hard to understand, and maybe it wasn’t truly accurate to say he never noticed if he hurt Ivan’s feelings (though it’s close to being the truth)… but he feels more sensitive to it now. it’s a risk. and hurting Ivan is in his big stack of regrets, too…

he lifts his head, blinking when he feels Ivan scoot away some, and almost in a panic, Till reflexively—snatches his wrists, for some reason.]

N—no!

I mean—

[uhhhh. god. Till looks away, then desperately back towards Ivan.]

Sorry. It just—

[ugh. he feels like he’s melting. he’s so frayed, and now he’s getting confused. Till’s eyes stick briefly on Ivan’s lips, and he drops his head in immediate embarrassment.]

You didn’t do anything bad. I’m sorry. I know I’m asking for a lot, but I got overwhelmed anyway…

[it was just…really sweet…

it’s not like Ivan’s never been that way ever, but it was a lot all at once…]

[ivan]

[ oh, no. ivan should have thought that through. he speaks up to try to clarify he isn't going anywhere. ]

Till, I wasn't— [ slowly shutting his mouth, he lets till speak, eyebrows furrowed. why is he apologizing? why is he upset? maybe ivan should have kept talking, should have reassured till he wasn't getting up. in the dark, it's a bit difficult to tell where exactly till's gaze falls, and so he doesn't realize why till drops his head like that. he's been doing a lot of that, so... maybe not too unusual.

that last comment, though... ]

This is asking for a lot? [ ivan sounds genuinely confused. ivan feels quite lucky to be here, considering his feelings over what's happened between round six and now. ]

[pethetic]

[Till...blinks. he rubs behind his head, mumbling.]

Maybe not...? It feels like it...

[he's been a bit confused lately, though.... needs some more sleep to restore his mind.]

I guess it'd be a lot if it were anyone but you... but it still feels like it...

[maybe outright asking for help or for a need to be met just feels really uncomfortable for someone like Till.]

[ivan]

I don't really know. [ shrugging, ivan happily supplies the answer, or what sounds like happiness, anyway. ] You asking me to stay with you sort of feels like a dream.