father vincent. (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
banworthy) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
etrayalogs2025-06-22 08:42 pm
banworthy) wrote in etrayalogs2025-06-22 08:42 pm
[closed]
WHO: Vincent Smith (banworthy) and Accelerator (levelshift).
WHEN: Shortly after this thread.
WHERE: Hall of Apeiron.
WHAT: Showing off the church he's created from the location left by others.
NOTES\WARNINGS: Cult indoctrination, cult nonsense, cannibalism, dismemberment, suicidal ideation/indifference to life, child murder/death, child abuse.
[ Vincent hasn't been fully aware of what's been going on in Etraya due to squirreling himself away to renovate his "new church."
If he were back home, this would be unthinkable. He would have attempted to make sure he knew everything that was going on in his town, but this isn't his town. It's just a space that houses him and so he sees no reason to keep his ear down to the ground for anything.
People, as far as he's aware, know him. He's made his personality known that it's pointless to do anything to him. He doesn't have any allies; he doesn't have any power; it's a waste of effort to crush someone who has nothing. And he takes great pride in that powerless state.
So he says. So he tells himself.
What's the point of being upset about it when that's how it's always been?
But Accelerator is different than he is. Which is why he is allowing him to see what he's done. He waits at the stop for the teenager to arrive then makes a gesture toward the distant structure that's about two miles away. As he promised, it'd be a scenic walk.
Of course, the teenager could probably teleport or fly or some other very irritating way to quickly cross distance fast, but Vincent believes there is merit and worth in the walk. ]
Did you ever come here before?
[ He asks rather than offer a greeting. Why should he? He already greeted him on the network? ]
I mean... before Aurora even did her rearranging of things?
banworthy) and Accelerator (levelshift).WHEN: Shortly after this thread.
WHERE: Hall of Apeiron.
WHAT: Showing off the church he's created from the location left by others.
NOTES\WARNINGS: Cult indoctrination, cult nonsense, cannibalism, dismemberment, suicidal ideation/indifference to life, child murder/death, child abuse.
[ Vincent hasn't been fully aware of what's been going on in Etraya due to squirreling himself away to renovate his "new church."
If he were back home, this would be unthinkable. He would have attempted to make sure he knew everything that was going on in his town, but this isn't his town. It's just a space that houses him and so he sees no reason to keep his ear down to the ground for anything.
People, as far as he's aware, know him. He's made his personality known that it's pointless to do anything to him. He doesn't have any allies; he doesn't have any power; it's a waste of effort to crush someone who has nothing. And he takes great pride in that powerless state.
So he says. So he tells himself.
What's the point of being upset about it when that's how it's always been?
But Accelerator is different than he is. Which is why he is allowing him to see what he's done. He waits at the stop for the teenager to arrive then makes a gesture toward the distant structure that's about two miles away. As he promised, it'd be a scenic walk.
Of course, the teenager could probably teleport or fly or some other very irritating way to quickly cross distance fast, but Vincent believes there is merit and worth in the walk. ]
Did you ever come here before?
[ He asks rather than offer a greeting. Why should he? He already greeted him on the network? ]
I mean... before Aurora even did her rearranging of things?
cw: cannibalism. Just normal stuff here!!
He remains quiet, his resigned expression making it clear he has no desire to argue. And when Vincent mentions Hannibal, he visibly tenses.
Right. Yeah. He still remembers what had happened in that fucking house. He knows other people who knew have left since then, so how long will it be until it's been completely forgotten, like Vincent says? Is that such a bad thing? With Hannibal gone no one else has to worry about him being a threat. No one has to worry about getting fucking eaten.]
Maybe it's better for that fucker and what he did to be forgotten.
[He's mumbling that under his breath. If Hannibal was here he'd have a different opinion, of course. But he isn't, and whoever remembers that dinner party doesn't need to make it other peoples' problem.
This whole conversation is depressing. He clicks his tongue, raising his voice a bit.]
So I guess nothing really matters, huh? In the end being stuck here is just nihilism at its finest.
cw: cannibalism
[ His shoulders lift and lower in a quick shrug. For everyone involved, it probably is best that it was forgotten. Vincent pauses as his eyes roll up to the sky -- right, he was one of the people who ate human flesh, too.
Holding his chin, he still isn't all that upset about it. Not because he felt like he would become a cannibal himself, but he felt he was onto something in understanding. He still wonders how close he was to his breakthrough. ]
I didn't say that, Accelerator. I said that it won't mean anything, not that it doesn't matter. [ He holds his finger out and wags it at him. ] There's a difference. It matters to you, but it won't mean anything as time goes forward. All the suffering that you can and will go through ... it'll be meaningless to someone else.
[ Again, he flicks his finger to him. ] But that doesn't mean it didn't matter. Get it?
cw: cannibalism, murder
The frown on his face deepens into a scowl in response to the finger wag.]
So what, you're saying that something mattering is just an ephemeral phenomena that only exists in an individual's mind? And as soon as that person is gone, so is that meaning?
cw: child deaths, murder
[ If he was feeling patronizing, he would have clapped his hands together for the teenager that he got what he's saying. But he's dealt with some prickly teens and knows better than to be too smart around them. ]
A person can only carry so much. [ This is the mentality of a weak person; the mentality of Vincent Smith. It's his mentality but also his delusions. ] You will matter for as long as people carries it with them.
[ So, for his life lesson, what is he trying to say? ] This place isn't nihilistic. Everything matters, but we cannot always know the meaning as to why. And without the people present to explain, the meaning will forever be lost. However, meaning can be warped by other people.
[ He points toward the structure. ] I never met the people who brought this. However, we can assume that this mattered to them due to what? Sentimentality? Comfort? These are vague meanings but may not be close to what is true. Yet I've been renovating it to become my religion's church. It's meaning is changing to suit my needs... but the fact it mattered to someone else before me... doesn't change.
[ A longer sigh. ] It's a roundabout way of saying... your students' deaths, their funerals... the way the adults trample upon you... that matters, but due to not being in that world... it doesn't have any meaning anymore. If something has no meaning, there's no reason to be hurt by it even if it matters.
cw: child deaths, murder
A thought occurs to him. If the #2 or #5 were here they could read the building, map out all the scratches and wear and recreate the emotions and memories that had been left behind like how a CD player reads the grooves in a CD to produce music. It wouldn't be the real thing though. What had Mugino called it? "Making a human model by putting clay over the bones of a corpse.”
That isn't what Vincent is doing. He's transposing his own meaning onto something that's become meaningless. Accelerator supposes that's better than leaving it to rot.
His voice grows a bit quieter.]
... He came back anyways, so I guess it was like he never died at all.
[Except it was, because there was the autopsy, arranging for the cremation, the funeral, Aleister trying to kidnap Touma's dead body to resurrect him with unethical science and Accelerator having to stop him -
Despite all of that, there's only that numbness where he thought there would be emotion. So is there some merit to what Vincent is saying? Does that mean everything that happened to him back home no longer matters? If it did, surely he'd be shoved into some prison situation like he was back home.
And does it really mean that everything he went through growing up is meaningless?
He's actually looking a little troubled by these thoughts.]
I should just let all of that go, then.
cw: SH3 spoilers! vague mentionings of child abuse
[ Like the situation with Heather, with Alessa.
She died then due to Claudia's interference she came back. Yet she lacked all the memories and trauma that she once had. Yet now she says that Alessa and her are inseparable. He's willing to go along with that, but Heather is Heather.
He also would rather she stay a teenager rather than what Alessa is. In truth, of Alessa came to this place, Vincent is uncertain what would happen. The entire reality of this realm may change; she may even call something like God down. He's been mulling that over -- could Echo be seeking a vessel for herself? Is that why Heather was called?
Either way, he has done what he could to keep her safe. Acquired items that ward off both the divine and unholy (whichever a person prefers but if one asks him, it can be one and the same). She should remain herself, and that's what is most important. Truly, it would be nice if she could remain a powerless teenager. ]
You should. It's not doing you any good to hold onto it, is it?
cw: this kid is depressed
['Troublesome' is one way of putting it. Even though Accelerator won't admit it out loud, he is glad that Level 0 came back, and without Aleister's interference.
He almost doesn't answer that question. With Vincent it could easily be rhetorical, or at least he could treat it as such and be a little punk at him instead of being honest. Why not? They don't actually like each other, so he doesn't mind being shitty.
It'd be effort though, and he doesn't care all that much. He doesn't keep his low opinion of himself a secret or anything, so why bother.]
I don't know. I don't place a lot of importance on what's good for me.
cw: just cult things
[ Vincent dismisses the self-depreciating statement for what it is. He supposes that there is some truth in it, but it isn't "true." ]
You are, after all, seeking happiness. [ His shoulders lift and lower - slowly instead of a bounce. ] You wouldn't be so wretched if you weren't. [ He snaps his fingers to his side, adding a sound to his point. ] I've seen those that have given up on happiness. They don't even seek despair.
[ He pauses; his face scrunches up. ] So, you may not place much importance in it, but you're still seeking something for yourself. [ Vincent snaps his hand out to point toward him before bringing his hands back. ]
Congratulations are in order, I suppose.
cw: just cult things and also self-loathing
I don't fucking believe that.
[If he was trying to be happy he wouldn't have accepted the position of board chairman, he wouldn't have given himself up to law enforcement and ensured his trial resulted in a guilty verdict. He wouldn't be actively ruining his own life.]
I'm not looking for anything that makes me happy. I might not be a useless lump that's given up on everything, but that's because I've got important responsibilities as the city's strongest esper.
cw: cult things, child abuse
You don't have to do anything. [ As a powerless person, he's never understood this mindset. The mindset that because one has power that they have responsibilities. That is something that is beaten into a person; bleed into them with broken bones and cruel intentions. ] You don't have to save or look after anyone.
[ His head tilts. ] Who cares if you're the strongest? Someone else gave you that responsibility and you're doing it, no? [ He holds his hands open and makes a dismissive gesture. ] You may not believe it, but you're looking for happiness.
[ And he sighs. ] You simply don't know what shape it is in. [ A smile. ] But who does? [ Because Vincent is also seeking happiness. He believes one day he'll experience it, so at the very least, he's fine with being alive so that he could perhaps feel what he never felt in life. ]
cw: cult things, child abuse
I know I don't have to do anything.
[That's what that Level 0 had told him back in Russia. He didn't need to help anyone, he didn't need to ask for help, he should only do what he wants to do.]
If I don't, then no one else will. [No one else strong enough. He clutches his crutch a little tighter.] So what I want to do is take some fucking responsibility. I don't care whether or not it makes me happy, that isn't my priority.
cw: cult things, child abuse
[ So what if no one else will do anything? So what if he's the strongest and can do something? So what?
The mentality doesn't make sense to him, but it may be because he's always been a powerless person around those with power. But whatever, this isn't about him. He makes a gesture, lightly dismissing the idea, by flicking his hand like he's slapping away the sentiment out of the air. ]
I know that isn't your priority. If it were, you'd probably be more desperate. [ But he points at his face. ] However, you are looking for it. I'd say more subconsciously than consciously, because you simply don't believe you deserve it. Although, I'm not sure why you've come to that belief.
[ A sigh. ] Even the most wretched person deserves happiness. If only so that they can have it taken away from them. [ He turns his head away to bark out a laugh. ]
cw: cult things, child abuse
[And not just the adults benefiting from Academy City being a shithole. He engineered his trial specifically so the general public would focus on how much of a monster he is so the clones would look more sympathetic, and he put the city under martial law to try and protect the kids when a dangerous man was rampaging.
He isn't doing any of this to be a hero or be liked. If he was, then maybe he'd agree with Vincent's assessment, because he knows objectively that people liking you is supposed to be a source of happiness.
But he isn't, and he scowls in irritation.]
Is that something you're obligated to say as a priest? ['Even the most wretched person deserves happiness' certainly sounds like something a priest would say.]
cw: cult things, child abuse
[ Hate is a strong word. It's a word that is associated with anger, and he isn't capable of maintaining rage. He finds it to be tiring and not worth his energy. Is him being mad at someone going to change anything? No. He's a powerless person who isn't even capable of throwing a capable punch. People can trample over him as much as they please, so anger is worthless to him.
Irritation and being unpleasant is its own reward, he supposes, but regardless -- ]
God tell us that the wretched should also be loved. [ By that he means that they'll be burned with everyone else and granted the chance of redemption or Hell. A kindness, really. God is kind but not merciful. ] Anyway, of course, you're not doing this for appreciation or love. If you were capable of wanting those things, you would've already acquired them.
[ He makes a dismissive gesture with his hand as he starts walking. ] As I said, you don't know the shape of your happiness, but you want to remain in the world until you acquire it. There's nothing wrong with that, Accelerator.
cw: cult things, child abuse
He starts following again, emphatically shaking his head. Thankfully, the fact that they dislike each other means he at least understands Vincent isn't saying any of this to try and comfort him. It'd piss him off if that was the case. He doesn't want anyone's sympathy or pity.]
No? Even if it was true that I wanted to be happy - and it still isn't, despite what you say - I'm not the kind of person who should be happy. People have gotten killed because of it, and I've done too much terrible shit to deserve any kind of happiness.
[It wouldn't be fair to other people, especially the ones he's killed, that he gets to be happy and they don't.]
cw: cult things, child abuse ... you know it's just gonna be this way down the line...
[ He flicks his finger in Accelerator's direction yet again.
Vincent feels a moment of pride in himself. It is because they're walking this distance without him getting tired. Seems like running like an idiot for months has paid off. His shoulders drop as he makes a face about his health but he returns to standing properly and walking. ]
I didn't realize that the strongest Esper was both.
[ Letting out a series of little chuckles, he returns to the conversation to smile at his own joke. His eyes roll up as he does a little re-evaluation of the investment he has in the teenager. Pointing with his other finger, he has his finger level before flicking it upwards. Suppose that's fair. ]
cw: cult things, child abuse it's fine they're just being garbage at each other
Hardly any thoughts cross his mind at being called a loser. He's been called worse than that before.]
What can I say? I'm a piece of shit monster. That doesn't lend itself to good qualities.
[His tone is dry, and he raises an eyebrow at the excessive hand flicks. Is Vincent getting even more animated than normal? Kind of seems like it.]
IT'S FINE. THEY'RE FINE. THEY HAVE NO LINGERING ISSUES.
[ Vincent flicks his wrist in his direction like he is batting away the accusation. Like Heather. Like Alessa all those years ago.
Does he feel sorry for any of them? No. That would require a level of empathy that he simply does not believe that he has. He recognizes what happened was wrong and insane, but so what? He couldn't do anything about it; no amount of telling someone how bad it was will make the suffering endured go away. So, what's the point of it? Self-satisfaction? He gets enough of that due to being a normal person, thank you.
Furthermore-- and Vincent finishes his thought aloud: ]
You don't want me to tell you how your life has been. [ Who would? ] Your life isn't over yet and will continue for some time. No matter how many people died in your wake, no matter what you did, you'll be forgiven for your youth.
[ With some irritating cheer: ] So, forgive yourself as well... why not? It's one of the rare positives of being your age.
Crane would have a field day if he heard this entire log lol
He growls, holding his crutch tighter, spitting his words out.]
People who use my age as a way of excusing everything I did are fucking idiots. Just because I'm young doesn't mean I don't understand what I did. I understand perfectly, I was happy to do it.
[Not really, but he's feeling irritated enough to push the lies that allowed him to lose his trial and be convicted. It was fun. I could feel myself growing day by day. Those are the facts.]
I have no right to forgive myself. Besides. [He waves his hand, mimicking Vincent a bit.] Who the hell says I'm going to live for very long? I seriously doubt a person like me has a long life to look forward to.
foxnod
[ Vincent feels that is important to point that out before anything else. His hands once more are back in the air as he gestures about his body while they walk. The structure looms ahead, it wouldn't be too much longer before they are there. ]
Yes? So? [ He gives him a look that says that hardly matters before he keeps going. ] You're the worst person between us, but you're still being granted forgiveness. It's something few people are able to acquire for themselves.
[ He pauses to gently push his glasses up. ] It's not about what you have the right to do, Accelerator. It's for the people that were hurt by you. Do you think you're doing anything for them by ruining yourself? They're dead or suffering. Do you think they care that you're still upset about what you did? [ Yet again he bats the concern away that he shouldn't be forgiven. ]
Because if you died easily or young, that would be a travesty to the people who you hurt. Why? Because you don't believe there is anything after. So why do you get to be absolved by turning to nothing? [ He snaps his fingers. ] This is why you should join the Order. You will be forgiven, work toward atonement, but if you never achieve atonement... you can walk the road of penance... which is much, much worse than anything that you're doing to yourself now.
Win-win, right?
cw: idk if this is suicidal ideation, maybe indifference towards living. Also child murder/death
The Sisters he killed are permanently dead. Even the chance of one of them showing up here in Etraya feels slim these days; he's been here for over a year now and it's only ever been him. It's unlikely anyone from his own universe could show up here, let alone one of them.
So they're dead, and he can never know what their feelings on the matter are. He understands this, it's something he had to tackle once back home. Still, Vincent's words make him look troubled. For a while the only indication those Sisters ever existed were his own memories, he had stated he'd be proof of their existence. The Level 6 Shift Experiment is public now, he managed to put the lives of those clones in the minds of the entire world. While he doesn't have a death wish, that means his own existence matters a little less.
Would it be such a travesty if he died early? It isn't as if he's that Level 0. He still has things he needs to accomplish, like making Academy City safe for the kids living there, but after that...?
He'd like to snap back at Vincent for the suggestion, but he just grumbles.]
I already told you, I'm an atheist. That religious crap isn't for me. Atonement? That's fucking laughable. There's no way I can do that. [He scrubs a hand over his face.] The idea of penance that's even worse is just as funny.
adds to the list of warnings...
If you are forgiven, it means that you get to spend your life atoning to achieve salvation. [ He brings his hands together, interlacing his fingers. ] Think of it this way? The people that died for you? The people that you killed? You're still alive. Shouldn't you make that mean something more than just living a miserable life?
[ He tilts his head to the side. ] Suffering for no purpose is pointless. You should suffer for a goal. Atonement is ... in simple terms... becoming the kind of person that was worthy of being forgiven in the first place. [ He pulls his hands apart as he keeps gesturing with them. ] It's much harder to achieve than simply living a miserable life and being a miserable person. It's work. Hard work, at that, Accelerator.
[ He chuckles. ] But I've seen it... penance that is worse than anything that you've experienced. Because God is merciful but not kind. [ Inhaling deep, they finally reach the front of the structure. ] I think that is far more easier to understand than a God that is both kind and merciful.
cw lmao Vincent trying to indoctrinate a mentally ill kid into a cult
He really isn't sure. He doesn't like that; it means he needs to be cautious.
And here Vincent is, speaking to him seriously instead of dismissing him or being patronizing. He doesn't like the guy, but he's listening and trying to offer him... what, exactly? Accelerator clicks his tongue softly, pulling his gaze away to look up at the building. This close it looks imposing.]
You seriously think joining your cult would be good for me? That regardless of whether I suffer atonement or penance, I get something worthwhile out of it?
[Would it be the easy way out to take this offer? Like he said, either way it'd be win-win. It depends on whether he wants to win. He glances back over questioningly at Vincent.]
What do you get out of it?
no subject
[ It's a cult. ]
But yes, you will get something out of it regardless so -- [ At the very least, he doesn't sound irritated when Accelerator calls the Order a cult. ] -- what's the harm?
[ Vincent hums as he starts up the steps leading to the entrance of the structure. ] I am a believer of God. It is my duty to -- [ He rolls his hand as he speaks, like trying to find the right word. ] -- enlighten and spread Her word to those that could use or want to hear it. What I get out of it is a feeling that I am doing what I believe is right by my deity.
[ Vincent chuckles. ] Shocking, I know.
no subject
As they ascend the steps his eyes flick away again, looking at the building more closely.]
How magnanimous of you.
[He mutters that quietly, stopping short of entering so that he can stare upwards at the creepy red symbol that's been painted over... what is that, Greek? Inclining his head curiously, he points up at all of that.]
What the hell is up with all of that?
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