etrayalogs | Ramsey Farm open mingle

Entry tags:

Ramsey Farm open mingle

WHO: Etrayans!
WHEN: Post-mission.
WHERE: Ramsey Farm.
WHAT: An open mingle log for people to hang out and do stuff at Ramsey Farm. See Accelerator's network post for details.
NOTES\WARNINGS: None, please put any CWs in subjects.

An idyllic, well loved little farm house that looks like it has been transported right from the fields of Kansas. The garden in the front has flowers and the back garden is chock full of vegetables. There is a chicken coop and a bale of hay is strung up from a tree like a tire swing for a little goat's enrichment. There is also a shed in the back, designed to look like a small version of the farm house, with a summer outdoor couch set up shoved against the back wall, piled with all weather cushions, and various lawn and small gardening equipment hung on the front wall. Towards the edge of the grounds, in a patch of large wildflowers, sits a large stone acting as a grave marker. Instead of names, it has been engraved with "#1 - #10 031."

The farm is being used as a safe space for children by Accelerator. Kids under 15 are allowed to use it as they wish. Kids over 15 are allowed to use the space if they help with upkeep. Adults who have been vetted by a kid are allowed on the ground to do work. A security system has been added to the farm house that sends messages to Accelerator's ear piece depending on the threat level.

The goat's name is Mena.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ Harold's aware that's how high density populations handle graves, largely through cremation, so he doesn't think anything odd of this response and doesn't guess the awful child abandonment behind it.

There's an awkward, too-long silence as Harold tries to decide where to go from here, how to gently approach the questions he really wants to ask. Accelerator, much like John, is such a feral cat sometimes about his personal feelings. He feels like he has to almost trick them into having a conversation about it -- really, Shaw is much better at it than either of them. She at least will be upfront about whether or not she's agreeing to have said conversation. (And Root, of course, was always the one prodding him to open up.)

That all runs through his mind as he mentally tests out and discards words. ]

It is important, but it must have been hard to come back to this after the mission, [ he says carefully. To the reminder of how many he's killed before. ]

[Accelerator doesn't mind the silence. He's always been comfortable with it, and it feels appropriate when in the presence of a grave. It gives him some time to let his feelings settle, makes him more certain about the grave being the right decision.

When Harold speaks up again, mentioning the mission, a subtle stiffness overtakes Accelerator's body. His failure at the mission has been floating around in the back of his mind ever since they returned to Etraya, and he's been trying to keep it compartmentalized. What else is he supposed to do? Approaching Grimnir isn't an option, there's nothing he can say or do that can somehow lessen what he did, he's sure of that. In fact, he's sure doing that, even with the best of intentions, would only make things worse. And he doesn't want to do anything that would mitigate his own guilt, that would be wrong.

He considers Harold's words, staring down hard at the grave, and nods slowly. This isn't something he wants to discuss, but if he's going to do it, then Harold is one of the few people he's comfortable doing it with.]

Yeah. It was. I thought I'd moved on from... this.

[Not just killing someone, since he's done that in previous missions, but hurting someone as badly and as cruelly as he did. It wasn't all that different from what he did to many of the Sisters, and the realization of that makes him feel disgusting.]

[ He could contest that moving on isn't quite the right term if he's making memorials like this, but he knows what he's really saying. It's not something Harold has ever dealt with personally, not like this, so he can't directly relate. He thinks of John shaking and falling apart from his injuries and still trying to shoot Quinn. He thinks of Root torturing Control to find where Shaw was.

He thinks of the Machine suggesting they kill the Senator, and how devastated he'd felt to know it would ever do that, ever, and how it-- she-- had never made such a suggestion again. But he knows more than anyone that doesn't mean she hadn't calculated it or considered it. Being capable of something is not the same thing as doing it, and he's always felt that difference like a finely-honed edge. Maybe with himself most of all, and how long it had taken him to trust the Machine.

Harold remembers Root's last words to him (I know this is an ugliness you never wanted) and (I'm fine, Harry, I need to drive) and thinks maybe he can do one thing differently this time. One thing she would have wanted him to do. ]

Those failsafes you wanted, [ he says, perfectly calm. ] Come back with me and let's go over them.

You don't need to manage this on your own.

[ This is the ugliness that they have, and Harold doesn't want to wait too long this time to act. ]

[The failsafes? Accelerator glances up, yanked out of his self-deprecation, to look over at Harold hesitantly. It's very pragmatic of him to bring those up, isn't it? They had worked on those in order to prevent any situations like the ones from back home from happening, where he loses control of himself and ends up hurting or killing people. Would any of them have worked in Earth-2?

He chews on his lip and nods. It's... a good idea, it's practical and productive, and honestly, he doesn't want to manage this by himself.]

... Okay. [He turns to move away from the grave, a sliver of doubt keeping him from being fully onboard.] I'm not sure if any of them will help. I was in full control of myself the entire time.

[It's what he's still telling himself, anyways.]

I'm sure it felt that way. It did to me. [ Harold isn't saying that to push back -- he's agreeing. ] It was disturbingly easy to convince myself I was acting according to my better judgment.

But that's not a problem exclusive to mind-altering alternate-universe anomalies.

[ People usually do believe they're doing the right thing while they're doing the wrong one. He turns to walk away, him limping and Accelerator on his crutch, figuring they'll talk as they make their way to the trolley stop. The trip to the farm is excruciatingly long based on the one-way direction of the trolley, but the trip back to the hospital, library and apartments is mercifully quick as a result. ]

We previously discussed a mechanism to cut off your network access that only I could use. The issue seems to be more that I need to know when to use it.

[ Meaning... more surveillance, which he isn't totally comfortable with. Harold usually goes to extensive lengths to write himself out of these kinds of set ups, where he has exclusive and privileged access, authority, or power. But in this case he thinks it might be warranted, like the years he'd needed to retain admin control of the Machine before she matured into who she was at the end. There's stages, there, and Accelerator might be in an earlier one -- where someone able to shut him off is a relief, not an egregious human rights violation.

And it's not like he'd trust Accelerator's own assessment of who else should have access, or when they should use it... so it's left at Harold, once again. Probably he should just get used to it by now, that he's always left taking on some invasive too-large responsibility. But his ultimate goal will always be what it was with the Machine: to get Accelerator to a point where this isn't necessary. ]

[It's a little reassuring to know Harold had felt the same way. While Harold (as far as he knows) hadn't done anything as bad as torturing and killing a person, it means that Accelerator wasn't alone in his feelings. That's important to him.

He nods with a sobered expression, agreeing. That the anomaly could have been a tipping point is less of a concern than the fact that it could happen here in Etraya, where they're free of any external influences. Thinking you're doing the right thing is a far cry from actually doing the right thing.]

Right. When I attacked Grimnir, I made sure to do it in an abandoned away from people and any cameras.

[He had been deliberate about that. Coming from a city with as intense surveillance as Academy City, he's knowledgeable enough to know how to avoid it when he wants to put in the effort. That poses a problem for them — if what happened in San Francisco happens again, then he'll just repeat that while not telling Harold what he's doing. There needs to be a way for Harold to to have more control in monitoring him.

.... Which is not something most people would want, but here they are. This is the price of responsibility.

He considers their options, bringing up what to him sounds like a reasonable solution.]

Could we ask Aurora if you could connect directly to the calculation assistance device, instead of just the back-up computer? That way you could always see what calculations I'm running, and if you think I'm doing something bad you could shut me down more directly.

[It would be similar to the authority that Last Order has, which is something he's used to.]

[ Not alone in his feelings, but treating himself more harshly than he does anyone else, Harold is sure. There's something to that, of course, and he could argue it -- but there's a reason he'd just been thinking of Root. His own feelings don't matter when they run up against reality, and reality is that Accelerator is exceptionally dangerous and has a history of exceptional violence, and they don't know and can't know what might be coming next.

Harold considers this idea for a long moment as they hobble their way to the station. ]

It's worth asking. However, I don't wish to give you the impression that I will treat every use of your abilities suspiciously. There's many circumstances in which you might be defending yourself or assisting someone else.

We may want something more prosaic as well. Normally, John leaves his ear piece enabled for me to listen in on when I can.

[ Suggesting that gives him a strange feeling in multiple respects. For one thing, it's something he and John have done for years but never directly acknowledged past glancing asides (Are you listening? / Always) and he's not exactly reluctant to expand that to someone else, but it is noteworthy. Harold is used to having shockingly intrusive levels of access to people if he wants, but normally it's not with their explicit awareness and consent.

It's a representation of absolute trust. Trust of a kind he hasn't felt worthy of in so long, if ever. But maybe that's exactly what makes him qualified to be the one listening in. He wonders, perversely, if this is how the Machine felt in her own way about all of them. He'll never know. ]

[It isn't rational, but it would be easier if Harold just did that, treated everything he did with suspicion. Accelerator exhales slowly, considering Harold's idea.]

That's... not a bad idea. [A normal person would be aghast at such a suggestion, but Accelerator is furrowing his brow and he works through the logistics, whether it would be a reasonable change.] Listening in on whatever I'm saying would give you more context to whatever I'm doing.

[Which would make it far, far easier for Harold to determine whether he's in danger or posing a risk to someone else. That the suggestion is invasive doesn't faze Accelerator at all; Academy City has always had a lot of different resources dedicated towards the surveillance of its espers so he's used to it, and at least ensuring the safety of others is a good reason for it (unlike protecting trade secrets).]

You'd be okay with putting that much effort into this? [In him? There is a nonzero amount of time Harold would have to put into this, and in spite of everything it's hard for Accelerator to accept. Harold is already going above and beyond for him, this would be adding even more work for him.]

[ That level of surveillance is so normalized for Harold, too, something he wishes he had the time and capacity to do for all of the people he cares for, that hearing Accelerator agree only causes a perverse relief. He knows better rationally, but emotionally...

He's glad. This gives him a greater measure of control.

They're approaching the station now, just a roof and a bench beside the tracks amid the greenery, and Harold suddenly feels immensely tired by that question. He stops short, and the only reason he doesn't stare piercingly at Accelerator is because he knows by now that it will make him uncomfortable, but there's still that same level of unblinking resolve in his voice. ]

There's no level of effort I would consider unacceptable.

[ It took seven years to make the Machine because it took seven years. In any case, he doesn't have to listen all the time; he can rewind a few minutes and listen to it on double-speed if a crisis occurs, he can handle running multiple ops at once after years of practice, and he's comfortable in that role. Harold won't let anyone get hurt if he can help it, and just as much, he won't leave Accelerator to become who he's afraid of being.

I walked in darkness for so long, Root had said, and John -- doesn't mean we have to walk in it alone.

It's not that he owes them. It's that he can't bring himself to doubt them. ]

[It's a question Accelerator can't stop himself from asking. Throughout most of his life the people who got involved with him, especially in the case of his ability, were mainly doctors and scientists. For them it was transactional: they put the time and effort in, and in exchange they get some of the most valuable scientific data in the city, in the world and get to further their own research.

Accelerator understands things are different in Etraya, but he's grown up with those relationships being the norm that he needs to make sure this is okay. When Harold stops the irrational thought that he's going to second guess all of this and change his mind hits Accelerator. He stops as well, going tense until he hears that answer.]

... Okay.

[That's it, then. Beyond that one inquiry he doesn't question Harold's willingness to help. If he's okay with this then he trusts him on that, just like he trusts him to be reasonable with having what is essentially administrator access to his choker. Depending on someone else this heavily isn't something he's used to doing but it's worth it, and it's something he supposes he should get used to. If you reach a hand out, you should want someone to be reaching back.

He looks down at the ground, turning that idea over in his mind before mumbling:]

Thanks.

[ It's impossible to miss how very not transactional Harold is in everything he does. He abhors that type of mindset, will entertain it only for pragmatic reasons when someone else demands it. Sometimes he's pulled it on like a mask to deceive others, hide his weak points. Here in Etraya he has no reason to create the distance he so often depended on at home to keep others at arm's length, and it's taken a full year but he's finally started to let that sink in. He doesn't have to pretend to have other motives, doesn't need to be anyone but who he is.

Whoever that might be. Harold really still isn't certain most of the time.

Accelerator's awkward gratitude evaporates his steeliness, and if he's still feeling tired by the whole conversation, it now has a twinge of warmth laid over the top. Harold's not truly so fatalistic about this -- he'll do this so he doesn't have regrets later, and he'll use it if he must, but it doesn't change his opinion of this young man. If anything, it's actually sort of... endearing.

He decides not acknowledging the thanks is probably the kindest response. ]

I'd like to observe your neural computing in a variety of circumstances before the next mission, [ he says, mind forming plans already. ] If my access allows me to directly view the calculations you're running I may be able to make a guess at what you're doing, but I suspect that in most scenarios you'll be processing them at speeds too rapid for me to follow.

[ Harold adjusts his glasses a little, thinking, as they wait for the train. ]

I can write a simple program to alert me if anything aberrant is happening, like a rapid spike in activity, and I can then listen in on your present circumstances to confirm the situation.

[Accelerator is endlessly grateful Harold doesn't make a big deal of a rare moment of politeness from him. That and gratitude are always awkward for him, it isn't often in his life that he's felt the need to thank people, and with his abrasive personality it feels embarrassing to say it out loud. Uncool, even.

He might be mature, but he's still fifteen, and he has an image he'd like to maintain.

He listens to Harold's plans, absently glancing down the trolley tracks to see if the trolley is within view.]

I can make a point of using my ability more than I normally do in between missions. [Usually he's cautious about only using it when it's necessary (or when he's feeling incredibly lazy) due to the battery limit, but he can make an exception in this case and alter his behaviour in the name of acquiring data.

Harold's idea also has something else that occurs to him, so he adds:]

It'd be a good idea to build a program that filters out my standard reflection calculations. When I'm using my ability my reflection is all subconscious, so even if I'm not in a fight it's still working. [It's a testament to how absurd his brain when it's functioning that he can run something that powerful passively. There are only a couple of espers who come close to that amount of processing power.] There are a lot of calculations that won't be relevant to you, like reflecting water or UV light. My calculation assistance device is even programmed to let me reflect the latter in normal mode.

[It's how he doesn't have to worry about sunburns or worse, despite his skin having no melanin for protection. That would be some easy math that Harold could disregard.]

[ In better circumstances Harold might tease him about the awkwardness, but presently Accelerator is going through something far out of his comfort zone already, so he doesn't need the ribbing. This is not the time for it.

Harold is, as always, drawn out of his own feelings as Accelerator starts talking about math. It's not that he prefers burying his emotions in work -- it's that he actually just likes math, and he's not at all intimidated by the concept of working with someone or something that is light-years past him in processing and ability. It's a funny kind of nostalgia for him from when he was openly working with the Machine.

He brightens subtly. ]

The additional data would be beneficial, of course. My level of mathematics is undoubtedly not up to your standards, but if you don't mind explaining it to me I would be fascinated to go through it with you in detail, [ he suggests. ] Despite present circumstances, it's quite remarkable.

[Being called remarkable is nothing new to Accelerator, though it coming from Harold means it holds a lot more meaning than some shitty scientist from Academy City. He considers the request for a few seconds, then nods.]

Okay. I don't mind doing that.

[That's one thing he misses about Academy City. Back home he was constantly surrounded by other people who often had a good understanding of (at least) the basic mathematics behind esper abilities. Here in Etraya when he tries to explain it usually the person's eyes glaze over. He isn't about to complain, but it can get tiring. Having the chance to talk some more about the complex equations he has to run, and to do it with someone who isn't out to use him, is refreshing.]

[ That's a safe topic and a much more comfortable one, and if losing so many people has taught Harold anything, it's to cherish the chances he gets to spend time with people he cares for without anything pressing weighing them down. The context is awful, of course, and they're on their way to institute invasive protocols that supercede Accelerator's right to agency as a human being, but finding any time for this at all means something to Harold now.

It's time he won't have again with so many others.

They end up talking the pure math aspect on the trolley, Harold pulling his laptop out and starting to record notes. It's fairly obvious from his questions that he really is personally interested in the mathematical side of things and not the cool strong esper abilities side. One leads to the other, and he does need to understand the latter, but his enthusiasm is all around the former.

They have to wait until they get to the library to talk about anything sensitive, which just means Harold has a whole bunch of questions mentally lined up as he opens the door.

Still, he asks first: ] Would you like tea? I've kept the lapsang stocked.

[It's a nice distraction away from his normally very miserable thoughts. Having spent most of his life entrenched in math being able to discuss it with someone who understands without being a scientist is nice. Even better is how genuinely interested Harold is in the subject. It's one thing for a scientist to have a professional interest in this stuff, it's something else to be a downright nerd. Anyone else who happens to be on the trolley at the same time as them is in for the dorkiest trolley ride ever.

Accelerator is feeling a lot lighter by the time they get to the library. It's a part of himself he realized when he first met Last Order, that given the right circumstances he can be downright chatty. This is one of those times when the circumstances are right.]

Yeah, fine.

[He's answering that as he heads inside and kicks his shoes off in the door. He'd still prefer coffee, but this is Harold, so the tea is fine.]

[ Harold and John are tidy roommates and the place likely looks much the same as the last time Accelerator saw it, but to Harold, there's always a moment as he enters where he feels a slight pang. Even after almost six months since his return, he's still not used to having a steady place to live, or living with John. Well... maybe used to isn't the right phrase. He's not taking it for granted yet, is the thing; he walks in and every time he's momentarily struck by what he has.

It's a silent undercurrent that fades as he sets his bag on his work desk, takes off his hat and sets it on the coat rack, and limps into the kitchen. He'd been very encouraged by how forthcoming Accelerator became as they spoke about the math behind his abilities, and Harold doesn't want to risk letting that lapse. ]

You said some amount of reflection is going on even now, didn't you? Like UV rays? [ he prompts as he starts to make tea. They'd discussed the equations on the train but not the ultimate result of their effects in practicality. ] I'd think that would leave you deficient in vitamin D.

[Accelerator likes Harold and John's living space. For one, living in a library is cool. Two, it sort of reminds him of Yomikawa's apartment, though that could just be because it isn't some variation of dorm. Either way it's a nice place.

He wanders over to the couch, lazily letting go of his crutch and dropping down onto it. He massages his right forearm absently.]

Yup. My reflection screwed up my body, it's why I look like this.

[Something something science screwed up his hormones so badly it caused albinism and androgyny. He sounds indifferent, not really caring.]

My subconscious handles all the calculations for my reflection, so before the brain damage it functioned even when I was asleep or knocked out. For a long time I didn't have good control over it, so I couldn't shut it off at all.

[ If there's one academic area Harold is not confident in, it's biology and, consequently, human medicine. He has no idea why a reflection could result in Accelerator's appearance but decides it's not particularly important. Accelerator seems to truly not care about it, so he's not going to tell him that he should when it more or less equates to an ethnic and cultural heritage: something he was born with.

Instead, he focuses on it from the perspective of the project at hand, frowning slightly as he tea spoons leaves into a filter bag. ]

That seems... difficult to live with. I must assume it automatically allows for a flow of air particles so you can breathe...? How does it seem to determine what is necessary for your survival and what isn't?

[ Arguably, several things like vitamin D should be allowed through under that premise, but aren't. Harold wonders what the difference is. And maybe it seems odd to be speaking of Accelerator's subconscious brain like it has its own independent autonomy, but the idea of a subroutine processing distinctly differently from the main program makes perfect sense to him. ]

[Difficult to live with is accurate. Accelerator is comfortable enough with Harold that he sinks a little in his chair instead of trying to bury the physical reaction to all the unpleasant memories he has of being unable to control his reflection. He has control over it now (and even better, can't use it constantly due to his brain injury) but that doesn't change the past. It doesn't change the fact that for years his ability was strong enough that the city had to keep him away from other kids to prevent him from continuing to hurt them.]

Anything I don't need to live is automatically blacklisted. So enough air for me to breathe gets through. Gravitational vectors are another example.

[Which sounds kind of ridiculous, but that's how serious his ability is when it comes to his surroundings.]

It took me a while to learn how to control it. The city had to dedicate a lot of resources to me, including one of their top researchers. [At the memory of Kihara Amata, Accelerator tone darkens.] That bastard was the foremost developer of esper abiltiies.

[ Gravitational vectors... It does sound ridiculous, but Harold knows better by now.

He walks over from the kitchen with two mugs of steeping tea and sets them down on the coffee table before taking his own seat across from his guest. He strongly dislikes the way use of the word developer, like the researcher had anything to do with the development of a human being in the same way Harold would a program. He hasn't even thought of himself as the Machine's developer in a long time, and that was technically true. ]

Yet the optimal outcome must surely be that you become the foremost expert in your own abilities, [ he points out, echoing his earlier thoughts. ] How did you ultimately learn control?

[He sits up when the tea is set down on the coffee table, reaching for it. It doesn't have the same smell as coffee and he knows it isn't going to be as good, but he takes a sip regardless.]

I needed to learn the math and physics behind different kinds of vectors. [It was a lot, given most things in the world utilize vectors or exist in vector space, but his brain was able to handle it.] Apparently, according to that piece of shit Aleister, being able to understand and analyze that kind of thing is the actual nature of my ability, so it wasn't hard. Once I started understanding that stuff I could adapt my reflection and whitelist certain things. I can't do that part passively, though. I have to actively add something or someone to my whitelist in order for them to bypass my reflection.

[ Harold sighs at him sipping it immediately. It's undoubtedly mildly flavored hot water at this point. ] You have to wait a few minutes, [ he chides mildly, but doesn't let that distract him from the actual conversation at hand. ]

Are you certain your aptitude for understanding vectors is actually part of your ability? I suppose it doesn't make much practicable difference, [ he acknowledges, ] but it sounds to me like something you learned and not something that was innate. [ In other words, Accelerator is maybe actually just that smart, and being this powerful is a product both of his esper abilities and who he is as a person. Harold isn't committed to that idea, but he's considering it -- it doesn't intimidate him at all the way he thinks it might someone determined to control him.

Then he pauses, something else registering. ]

People can be whitelisted?

[Yeah it's just hot water. There's a petulant look on his face as he resists the urge to snipe back that you don't need to steep coffee. Harold's ideas about how his ability and who he is as a person intersect don't help his mood.]

I don't know. I don't know what kind of person I would be if I wasn't an esper.

[Would he still be smart? Or just average? What would be even look like? What about his family? Accelerator can't answer any of those questions and it makes his insides twist knowing that he can't. Of course, it's all hypothetical, he is who he is, so it's something he tries to put out of his mind. If he dwells on it then he's only going to drive himself crazy.

He gives the tea a slight scowl, wanting to drink it.]

Yeah, I can whitelist anything with vectors, including people. Otherwise I'd never be able to touch anyone without breaking their bones or exploding their internal organs.

[ Harold has to suppress a smile at the petulant look, but doesn't further comment. He's immediately distracted thinking about what Accelerator's saying. If he was made an esper, then it makes sense he must wonder who he'd be without it. It hadn't quite occurred to Harold before -- it seems so indelibly part of who he is.

That description is... graphic, and his eyebrows shoot up. ]

I had no idea. That happens by default? You must do it incredibly quickly, then -- I can't help but notice you've never exploded my organs.

[ Harold has touched him more than once by now, he means, including that memorable hug at the hospital. He assumes Accelerator is temporarily whitelisting him every time, on the spot, which means his reaction time and subsequent adjustment to the vectors would have to be fast. ]

Ramsey Farm open mingle

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