MISSION 011 Sidelogs

[etrayamods]

WHO: Individual sign ups for mission 011
WHEN: September 19th - October 3rd
WHERE: Etraya
WHAT: Mod-driven threads!
NOTES\WARNINGS: Psychological horror, hallucinations, paranoia, body horror, violence, death imagery, loss of autonomy, existential horror. Mother thread will have parental abuse to a child (physical, emotional, and verbal) as well as neglect. PATHOS thread will have severe dissociation and assisted suicide.

Please indicate in the subject line if you're specifically looking for a mod response to a tag. A simple o7 will do! Otherwise I will use my judgment about where to pop in.

Comments

[scynful]

[ The capital letter might be audible to other people, but not to Catherine, who struggles to pick up on tone half the time to start with. What she takes away from this is that this person is extremely upset they can no longer do art as a robot. She's not sure where she'd find art supplies down here, anyway -- this is a scientific installation -- but Catherine decides that is not likely to be a productive line of conversation to go down.

At least Setsu is being reasonable, though Catherine is still stressed out and upset that other people are blaming her for something that is not her fault. ]

It doesn't work that way, [ she says tersely. ] Normal computing resources aren't sophisticated enough to store a whole person -- you need a cortex chip. If there are other copies of you then they won't be anywhere I could find on this server, and the network is down.

I'm sorry you don't like your current existence, but there's nothing we can do about it. I didn't ask to wake up here, either.

[ She was supposed to be on the ARK. She was supposed to be somewhere else, a virtual paradise, or nowhere at all -- and Catherine doesn't know what happened. ]

[repaintress]

[ While Clea has a knee-jerk desire to snap at Setsu, to tell them to stop telling her to calm down, she muffles it as Setsu has a point. Strategically, they don't know where their enemies are. Or who they are. Although she doesn't snap, Clea isn't the type to hold her tongue completely. ]

You're right that's important, but this is also important. It is simply less urgent.

[ "Even if you're different, you're still Clea, and your original body should still exist." Clea can tell Setsu is making an attempt to pacify her and it feels...strange. Why would they do that? What does it matter to them how Clea feels, so long as she doesn't become a liability?

Either way, she's wrong. Clea shakes her head. ]

I'm not the same. You can't copy people: They aren't the same, no matter how much you want them to be.

[ She is a copy, and a different person than the original Clea. ]

If my body still exists, so does the woman inside of it. She would not be happy to know of my existence.

[ Clea herself is not happy to know of it. She's pleased to not have a stomach, because at least that means it isn't queasy at the knowledge that she's a perversion made not to experience agency or individuality. To serve someone else's whims instead of her own.

She wants to breathe, to calm herself down, but she can't. There are no lungs. No flesh and bone to connect herself to, to ground herself in. The movements she makes bring her no calm. She isn't Clea. She can't be Clea. She's just a robot who thinks she's a woman. ]

There is no 'right'. This is all wrong. I should not exist.

[ She doesn't want to be here, in this strange place under the sea where there are no tastes and smells, surrounded by metal and film women and strange terms she doesn't understand. There is no life here. What is the point?

Why does she want to live when there's no point and there's no 'life' for it?

Clea goes quiet, shutting her screen off, and sits on the ground. They can decide whatever they want. There's no future for her anyway. Even if there are enemies, who cares? The person she's worried about isn't her family: She's Clea's family. She doesn't have a family. ]

[backtostart]

[ Sorry to Catherine, who is also upset and somewhere she doesn't want to be. Setsu looks over at her, but that's all they do. They think, If the network is down, then we might need to restore it first. And there might be a cache of cortex chips containing more of them, but Setsu doubts the resources would be wasted like that.

Clea might be right that what she's worried about is less urgent, but she's now making her problem much more urgent instead. Setsu simply isn't heartless enough to ignore someone in her state... ]

Clea.

[ Setsu kneels down beside her, facing her. They'll keep saying her name, because it is her name. ]

If you hate existing like this, I can take your cortex chip out. This body would stop functioning, and if I destroy your chip, you'll stop existing, too... Is that really what you want?

[ They killed Amy. They could kill Clea. It's just that, Amy was beyond saving, but Clea isn't. ]

It is wrong that you were copied, but... To me, it feels more like you and the other Clea are both real. You know about different universes, right? There are countless different versions of yourself out there, and all of them are still the "real Clea." The difference is that, somehow, you ended up here, and she ended up there. Like two universes intersecting. The fact this place is unfamiliar to you, and we don't know how we ended up like this, makes that even more likely that there are multiple universes involved here...

[ Setsu flips their palm up, in some kind of gesture like they're supposed to be showing her something, but there's nothing there. As Setsu expected... ]

Besides, to be honest, if you weren't really Clea, I feel like you wouldn't care about this at all...

[scynful]

[ Catherine could say a lot of things here, but for the moment she says absolutely nothing. This feels really personal and emotional, and she's aware she tends to just make those sorts of conversations worse.

Even if what she really wants to do is protest that there's nothing lesser about this existence... She'd made sure of it. ]

[repaintress]

[ Clea hadn't expected Setsu to keep talking to her. What she'd expected was that Setsu would declare her a lost cause and leave her be. Why aren't they? Wonderful. Now she's wasting Setsu's time. This body is a waste and she's a waste. There is no need for another Clea. For a worse Clea, who cannot even do the things that make a Clea worth keeping around? She supposes she might be useful for manual labor in this form.

Does that mean she should die? Does she want to? She doesn't know. Part of her shouts 'no', but is that truly her or does she only think that because the real Clea doesn't want to die?

Clea keeps her display off, but turns to face Setsu with blank eyes. ]

I don't know. What is a life without feeling?

[ In a form like this? No food and drink to warm the stomach, no friends to laugh with. No art to make, no dances to master. A great nothingness.

As a matter of fact, Clea does not understand any idea of how the multiverse works, and having it sprung on her that there are infinite versions of herself is something she finds more distressing, not less. ]

If there are infinite versions of me - her, then none of us matter.

[ They're replaceable, like stones next to a river. Or electric lightbulbs. ]

I have her memories. That doesn't mean that those memories are real. I care about things because I was made to care about things.

[backtostart]

[ Setsu learned a lot in the military academy. History, strategy, risk reduction, combat, and the specialized knowledge needed to work in Special Forces.

How to handle a person from over a thousand years ago undergoing an existential crisis was not among any of their training nor something they learned in the field. Setsu feels a bit like they did the first time someone had pushed a baby in their arms and told them to "watch her for a minute." It's awkward and mildly distressing, and they can't act as awkward and distressed as they feel. Thankfully, Clea is not an infant, so she's much less distressing to deal with, and it's very easy to act calm when your face is just a white screen with two black dots. ]

... Let's take this one step at a time, okay? Learning all of this suddenly is already overwhelming. [ It is too bad that breathing techniques are impossible. Even speaking in a calm voice can only do so much. ] And, you're right, there's no way to know if your memories may have been tampered with, but I don't think there would be any purpose to it. Usually, things like that would be done to force compliance, right? But you're still able to think for yourself, and you're still able to feel. The way you are right now would be something inconvenient to others...but it's what makes you human, despite your form.

[ Is this helping, hurting...? Clea seems like the type who responds to logic...which is also the only way Setsu knows how to handle emotions. ]

Anyway... It's not quite right to say that all the versions of you don't matter. Within your own universes, you're still the only Clea, and if you were removed from those universes, you would be gone for good... And, you're actually more familiar with this than you think. You must have heard of or experienced people in Etraya leaving and then returning without memories or as slightly different people. That's also due to the fact that different universes exists. For instance... If Alex left, and then when she returned, she didn't remember us, it's less that she "forgot us" and more that the Alex that left and the Alex that returned are from different universes. They're the same person, but not the same existence.

... Does that makes sense for you? Our own situation is probably closer to that than it is to simply "being copied."

[ Setsu hopes that makes sense to her. They'll let her digest that before trying to tackle "What is a life without feeling?" Which, honestly, she probably needs to find the answer to on her own... ]

[repaintress]

[ Clea's screen remains blank. The only useful thing about this form is that she doesn't need to give away any of her feelings if she does not wish to. How does she even have feelings? Does she even have feelings? There are no muscles to tense, no eyes to sting, no chest to constrict. Only a never-ending blankness. Only thoughts, which she thinks might be a reflection of emotions, chasing themselves in her mind like an ouroboros. ]

Not only for compliance.

[ Her voice box is quiet. ]

For realism. Or to see if it could be done.

Are we feeling? Do you feel or do you think?

[ Those are not the same. This metal is lifeless, and knowing it isn't a simple diversion makes that hard to bear. It is less interesting and more of a trap.

Wanting to be human and having memories of being human doesn't make her human. It makes her delusional. Clea wonders what memories she's missing, if any, like her. Which parts of Clea were edited and smoothed away to make this easier and more palatable for whomever copied them. She wouldn't know. Why would they leave her the memory of her and her altered memories without giving Clea the means to know which memories are missing? Is this how she felt when she learned what she was? Why she was made?

Clea barely hears Setsu's explanation, but the words do register. She understands, but it isn't less distressing. ]

If there are infinite universes, what do ours matter?

[ The still blank screen does at least move to look at Setsu, though Clea keeps her display off. ]

No. I never saw that.

[ She hadn't been in Etraya long. At least that she remembers. Who knows if that's real? Who knows if Etraya is real? Maybe the memories had been put inside of them. ]

Why do you think that's what happening? People can be copied - that I find it distressing has no bearing on which is more likely.

[backtostart]

[ It's telling of the state of information sharing in Etraya that Clea still doesn't know about people leaving and returning... That's something to address on a larger scale in the future. Right now, it ultimately doesn't seem that important. When she's so far in her head like this, Setsu feels at a loss. No matter what you tell someone, sometimes, the thought is stuck there until proven otherwise; Setsu can't say that's strange, or even that they're necessarily different.

It's just that, here, it's not really a matter that can be proven or disproven. It's philosophical. Which...isn't really something Setsu delves into much... ]

Sorry, I'm not really good at this... [ A small, awkward confession before they continue in a more even tone. ] I'm not saying these things because I think they're more or less likely to distress you. I'm saying them because it's important to understand.

But right now, even if I can try to explain my perspective more clearly, I don't know if that will actually address your worries... Those seem to be more important at the moment. Besides, if you've already decided that the existence of multiple universes already lowers the worth of all of those realities, then I don't think it will really matter, anyway. We can save it for when we have the time to talk about it.

[ Something for Setsu's growing "to do, at better time" list. Setsu already tends to put their feelings aside, and now is no different: Their display hasn't changed since this conversation began. ]

I can understand questioning whether you're actually feeling something or only thinking that you're feeling something, but I don't think you'll get a satisfying answer from anyone but yourself. You'd probably need to decide what the distinction between the two even is... I guess...maybe you should consider what you hope to find by asking these questions, because I don't think there's any objective truth to uncover.

[ The same way there's no objective truth to every world and every life holding value. ]

[repaintress]

[ It's the apology that makes Clea's eyes re-appear, though they're still expressionless, stuck on the default setting. At least she is looking at Setsu. Why are they apologizing? None of this is their responsibility. Clea is not their responsibility. It isn't Setsu's job to soothe her worries.

Even if Clea does decide she wants her cortex chip destroyed, she doesn't want to make Setsu do so. The situation with Amy had clearly disturbed Setsu. She would need to find a way to erase herself, should she wish to.

Does she wish to? Clea doesn't know. Is her desire to live real? She feels it is, but they had also felt themselves real. She doesn't want to live like this: metal and wires with such a dulled existence. Missing her humanity. Missing the parts of her that made her worth anything. Perhaps the true Clea would be right to want her destroyed.

'I guess...maybe you should consider what you hope to find by asking these questions.'

What does she want? Clea doesn't know. She doesn't know. What does she hope for? She doesn't know. Clea doesn't hope. Hope is foolishness; the world does not care for your hope, so it is not worth nurturing. Hope blinds people to reality.

The reality is Setsu is right. Her feelings (real or not) don't matter right now. They probably don't matter at all. ]

What do you want to accomplish?

[ Even through the speaker voice, Clea's voice is flat. Why bother with emotion? ]

What is your goal right now?

[ What should she focus on practically? She's no help for any of this, and she doesn't see the point, but Setsu has helped her, so if Setsu says they should do something, Clea will.

If she decides not to exist, she can do that later. When Setsu isn't at risk from her tantrums. ]

[backtostart]

[ At least she's looking at them again... Or not hiding her face. Setsu isn't really sure how much of what their displays show are through conscious choice and how much is automatic—it isn't as though Setsu can feel the changes in their own screen enough to even tell what expression they're making—but either way, it's a good sign.

Even if her voice is more subdued... Setsu isn't sure what to make of that. ]

My goal right now is to bring us both back to Etraya safely and to understand how we ended up in this state.

[ It's a clear and ready answer. They don't consider saying anything more emotional. They don't consider saying anything to offer comfort. The thoughts simply don't even cross Setsu's mind. Their goals are only to accomplish what can conceivably be accomplished. ]

The former will likely need to come second, but that's my primary goal. If you don't want to return, I won't force you, either. We don't need to make that call until we have a better understanding of our situation. It's still too soon to say what's possible.

[ That's all there is to it. They would rather not leave Clea behind, but with the state she's in, Setsu doesn't want her to feel like she can't even choose her own fate... There's still a way forward.

They tilt their head, peering at her, and calmly ask: ]

What's your goal right now?

[ Setsu, of course, always has a goal. Goals keep people sane and keep them from sinking into despair. Maybe a goal will help Clea think of what outcome she wants, too. ]

[repaintress]

[ She can't go back to Etraya. If she truly is a copy as the film woman had said, the other Clea would not bear it. Even if she could, it would torture her inside, to know she is a pale reflection without her power and that she is hated by her template. 'If you don't want to return, I won't force you, either.' Clea's display clicks off again, though this time for just a moment. What she wants doesn't seem to matter much. The world acts without any consideration of 'wants'.

The question is grounding. What is her goal? One of her goals is simple and easy to tell Setsu. ]

To help you. You've assisted me.

[ Therefore, Clea will do likewise. She does not leave or abandon her people or comrades. She is not a selfish coward, even if she had been unable to control her childish reaction to learning of her true nature. Setsu had helped her and therefore, unless they started doing otherwise, Clea will return that assistance. She will not pay back help with cowardice.

Beyond that... Clea isn't certain. She knows what she wants to say: what she wants her answer to be. But is that her answer or her answer?

Does it matter? (Yes.)

The voice from the voicebox wavers when it tells her second goal. ]

To find out who or what did this to us and destroy them so they can't do this to anyone else in Etraya.

[ Especially her sister, who is likely not her sister but Clea's sister. What do flesh and blood mean to metal? Clea is uncertain, but she is full of memories of the small, reticent idiot, and would never want this to happen to her. She does not experience the contradictory tells of heart pumping in anger and the warmth of love in her tightening chest, but she feels she would feel them, if she could. She can't. ]

[backtostart]

[ She's still not quite, fully grounded, but she's getting there, they think. It'd be impossible for all of her feelings to be resolved neatly. Something like this will take months to process and recover from - if she ever fully accepted it at all.

Helping Clea is simply their duty as a soldier. It's nothing that needs to be repaid. It's nice of her to say that, but... Well, in the end, any help they receive will help both of them. Setsu won't reject her offer.

Besides, when she continues... ]

I want that, too. [ Setsu's voice actually sounds gentle as they say that. They either don't hear the quiet part or choose not to hear it. ] Let's find what we can. Who did this, how they did this, where they are now...

[ It's this goal of Clea's that seems to be truly important to her. This is the goal that the two of them can work on, together. They hold on their hand again, this time more clearly for the purpose of being taken. ]

Our goals are the same, so let's assist each other in making sure no-one else is hurt this way.