[ Hob would agree. He's plenty happy to have the easy job in comparison.
When she talks about never having a family, his expression becomes more sympathetic, since he gets the sense there may be some feelings about that she's not expressing. It may be a date, but they can still speak as friends about what's bothering them. ]
I'm glad we can help, but if you want to talk about it, I don't mind. It's strange for me too, suddenly having a family.
I don't remember what all I've already told you. I know I told you some of my life. I- I was sold at a young age into a spy program. I think I told you that. They taught us to kill, to use our bodies to seduce men, and by thirteen when we graduated they gave us all hysterectomies as graduation presents. I was never going to be a mother, or have a real family. Sure, I could adopt, but my lifestyle never really made room for it.
[Reaching along the blanket, she let her fingers brush over his. The soft touch helped as she spoke. It was always uncomfortable speaking about her past. It was a spot she didn't know how to reconcile with who she was all the time.]
I did horrible, horrible things. Truly terrible. I don't deserve a family, or anyone really. At least I thought I didn't for a long time. I worked hard when I defected from the program, and turned my life around. I gave up the thought of love and a family, even the one love I wanted with a man I fell for so deeply. He wanted a family, and I knew it. In our line of work, people don't have families and I couldn't give him that. So we stayed spies together. He eventually got married and had a family. He, he was the one I sacrificed myself in front of, I forced him to stay alive while I threw myself off that damn cliff. We were best friends. I changed the way I loved him, but that's why. I gave up the hope. This- this here, is not a life I ever saw for myself. It's like some trick. It's like when I was a child and was forced to be a spy for three years in America. I had a fake family, the one with the woman I now call my sister. She was young and didn't even know she was drafted into the evil program that we were in. It's fake, it's all fake and I know that the minute I grow close to anyone, it will be taken away.
[Taking a deep breath, Nat goes quiet. She knows that it's a lot of information that she's given Hob to process. Her story isn't an easy one, and she's not shared it with anyone outside the avengers and not even all the avengers know this many details. She doesn't exactly know why she's told him, other than she trusts him.]
[ Hob knew things were difficult, but the specifics are shocking. To subject a child to all of that? ]
That's awful. I'm so sorry.
[ The brush of her fingers is answered with a firmer hold of his hand as she continues, and Hob listens intently to every word until she's done. He can't imagine being forced into a life like that. Hob took up arms when he was quite young, but that was a choice and the times were different. ]
Every one deserves to be happy and to have family, Natasha. Even if it's a found family. What was done to you was not your fault. You can't punish yourself for it. I'm sure it took a lot of strength to get away from that life.
It's alright. Our pasts make us who we are, and I wouldn't be nearly as strong as I am without mine, right?
[There's some form of a shrug, as she works to put herself back together again. Being that vulnerable around someone she doesn't really know is a big deal. That probably counts as sharing a secret with someone. It's a big deal, and no one back home knows all of it at once. There are different people who know different parts, but no one who knows every piece that she shared with Hob. ]
I have a few people, close friends, The Avengers, they were my chosen family. That was all I needed. I knew that before I pushed myself off that cliff for Clint. He had a wife and kids. He needed to stay for them. I used his grappling hook in our fight for who jumped to tie him down.
[It wasn't the exact way it happened, but close enough. It made her laugh softly as she thought about being clever enough to force him through that bittersweet moment. Neither one wanted the other to go over. She knew it was her job though. ]
The one I fell for, he was the one that saved me. He helped me blow up the first version of the Red Room. We holed up for weeks in Budapest. He was supposed to kill me. I was glad he didn't. I might have killed him.
[She squeezes his hand and then taps it and lets it go.]
Anyways, that's the big dramatic reveal all about me. I- I don't think I've ever told anyone all of that before.
[ It's definitely a lot, and she's clearly been through a great deal, as well. More than Hob can fathom in a dozen lifetimes, and she lived it in one. It doesn't seem fair that she had her life cut short, as well. Having been through so much, she should have had the chance to live the rest of her life however she wanted, but giving her life was also a choice she made. Still, Hob imagines it didn't sit well with her friend, even if he did have a family to think about. ]
I hope it helped in some way to talk about it. Thank you for trusting me with that.
[ Hob doesn't entirely know why she chose him to share that with him, but he is honored that she felt she could. ]
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etrayalogs2024-07-20 12:46 pm
no subject
When she talks about never having a family, his expression becomes more sympathetic, since he gets the sense there may be some feelings about that she's not expressing. It may be a date, but they can still speak as friends about what's bothering them. ]
I'm glad we can help, but if you want to talk about it, I don't mind. It's strange for me too, suddenly having a family.
no subject
[Reaching along the blanket, she let her fingers brush over his. The soft touch helped as she spoke. It was always uncomfortable speaking about her past. It was a spot she didn't know how to reconcile with who she was all the time.]
I did horrible, horrible things. Truly terrible. I don't deserve a family, or anyone really. At least I thought I didn't for a long time. I worked hard when I defected from the program, and turned my life around. I gave up the thought of love and a family, even the one love I wanted with a man I fell for so deeply. He wanted a family, and I knew it. In our line of work, people don't have families and I couldn't give him that. So we stayed spies together. He eventually got married and had a family. He, he was the one I sacrificed myself in front of, I forced him to stay alive while I threw myself off that damn cliff. We were best friends. I changed the way I loved him, but that's why. I gave up the hope. This- this here, is not a life I ever saw for myself. It's like some trick. It's like when I was a child and was forced to be a spy for three years in America. I had a fake family, the one with the woman I now call my sister. She was young and didn't even know she was drafted into the evil program that we were in. It's fake, it's all fake and I know that the minute I grow close to anyone, it will be taken away.
[Taking a deep breath, Nat goes quiet. She knows that it's a lot of information that she's given Hob to process. Her story isn't an easy one, and she's not shared it with anyone outside the avengers and not even all the avengers know this many details. She doesn't exactly know why she's told him, other than she trusts him.]
no subject
That's awful. I'm so sorry.
[ The brush of her fingers is answered with a firmer hold of his hand as she continues, and Hob listens intently to every word until she's done. He can't imagine being forced into a life like that. Hob took up arms when he was quite young, but that was a choice and the times were different. ]
Every one deserves to be happy and to have family, Natasha. Even if it's a found family. What was done to you was not your fault. You can't punish yourself for it. I'm sure it took a lot of strength to get away from that life.
no subject
[There's some form of a shrug, as she works to put herself back together again. Being that vulnerable around someone she doesn't really know is a big deal. That probably counts as sharing a secret with someone. It's a big deal, and no one back home knows all of it at once. There are different people who know different parts, but no one who knows every piece that she shared with Hob. ]
I have a few people, close friends, The Avengers, they were my chosen family. That was all I needed. I knew that before I pushed myself off that cliff for Clint. He had a wife and kids. He needed to stay for them. I used his grappling hook in our fight for who jumped to tie him down.
[It wasn't the exact way it happened, but close enough. It made her laugh softly as she thought about being clever enough to force him through that bittersweet moment. Neither one wanted the other to go over. She knew it was her job though. ]
The one I fell for, he was the one that saved me. He helped me blow up the first version of the Red Room. We holed up for weeks in Budapest. He was supposed to kill me. I was glad he didn't. I might have killed him.
[She squeezes his hand and then taps it and lets it go.]
Anyways, that's the big dramatic reveal all about me. I- I don't think I've ever told anyone all of that before.
no subject
I hope it helped in some way to talk about it. Thank you for trusting me with that.
[ Hob doesn't entirely know why she chose him to share that with him, but he is honored that she felt she could. ]