etrayalogs | [closed] i've been wandering through the echoes

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[closed] i've been wandering through the echoes

WHO: Vincent Smith and Maria.
WHEN: After the network thread with Maria.
WHERE: Corrine's Cafe.
WHAT: Just two besties talking about their deep personal thoughts. Or when you're so in your own head, you need to go to Vincent to get out.
NOTES\WARNINGS: Silent Hill 3 and Silent Hill 2 Remake spoilers. Will add if there are more.

[ As adamant as Vincent is against owing a debt to anyone or anything, he doesn't particularly mind ordering a cup of black coffee at the cafe.

One, since he's become aware the bots can be creative with recipes, he feels safe in asking. Two, the cost of the coffee is, in his opinion, paid off with his presence in the shop. If he didn't show up there, they would be manning an empty shop otherwise, right? Right.

It is the argument that he has prepared for anyone, but no one will presumably ask him. However, the day he doesn't have an argument prepared for why he is doing something is the day he feels comfortable with the people around him.

In short, it is never going to happen.

He sits at his table, legs crossed, and uses the handle of the cup to spin his coffee. His head lifts when he notes movement and he dramatically raises his arm like Maria wouldn't be able to find him otherwise. And he greets her as usual: ]

Hiya, Maria.

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[he is bringing up valid points, she realizes. especially because she had tried to keep up the persona of 'just a normal person' and had kept failing. it didn't help when other people knew you. Heather knew Vincent and so he could try to be as nice as he wanted, Heather would call him out the instant he had a toe out of line.

it's strange to understand Vincent.]

Okay, fair. Don't you get lonely, though? [and maybe that's more of her thing. maybe she's just lonely and maybe that's why she can't help but simply want to be someone people liked. no matter what that took. who she had to be to make that happen.

suddenly Vincent's tarot cards come back to her and she's frowning.]

Your damn cards. They're starting to make sense.

[ Since it isn't a weak point for him, he decides he can tell her. He thinks of himself as very normal and sane; however, she's aware he's a cult member which means he can say something a little off-putting. ]

You've asked me this before but let me put things this way. [ Gesturing to her. ] If I was going to do something that would harm Heather irreversibly, I believe you would kill me even if it would be temporary, yes? [ Not waiting for her reply, he continues. ] I don't think that affects our relationship at all. But that is a unique situation we find ourselves in here.

Anyone can do something that means the best course of action is that person's death. [ His shoulders bounce. ] That is the workings of the Order. I don't feel lonely because I don't know what loneliness feels like. [ He sits back in his chair. ] Because it's always been like this for me.

[ He chuckles soon after. ] Tarot isn't real. You're just sorting your thoughts out to do what you already wanted or thought of doing, Maria.

[does he not realize how sad this sounds? she remembers Heather telling her that part of her just felt bad for Vincent and actually, Maria can understand. all he's known is this life? so has Maria but she still felt lonely. the only difference was she wasn't brainwashed. didn't believe that she should find her own peace in this.

but she knows if she shows pity, Vincent won't like it. to him, this was his life's purpose and what he was supposed to do. Maria didn't see how she could change that.]

See, I don't understand that. Tarot might not be real but I've always been alone. There were no real connections I could make. [her eyes stay on her cup, her finger moving along the handle. she does not want to make eye contact with Vincent as she talks about this. as she's vulnerable.] I don't see how you can't know what it's like. That gnawing, aching feeling. Wanting somebody, anybody, to hear you. To listen to you. Knowing that you could cry but it wasn't like there would be somebody to hear you. [her hands clutch at her cup now, holding it tightly. it's moments like this that she knows it isn't just her feelings inside of her. surely this must also be Mary's feelings, that sadness and ache knowing how alone she was. how alone she would be when she would die...

Maria can't stand it. she's never been able to. how did Mary do this for so long, she wonders. how did she stand it?]

I would do anything to stop that feeling. I would be whatever I had to be so I'd never be alone again. [her eyes go to Vincent's quickly before she's looking away, not able to keep eye contact for long.]

I don't understand how you can't know that feeling but well, maybe it's what has always held me back. Maybe I'm so caught up in it that I don't even see myself.

[ Vincent watches her as she speaks; his eyes flickering to her hands before watching her face. He doesn't think it would ease her mind to know that he would rather die than have anyone hear him in such a weakened state.

As he lay bleeding out on the church floor, he could have begged Claudia to spare him; he could have implored Heather to save him. Instead, he spit out his curses at the only threat in the room; he mistakenly told Heather what she needed to do.

There was never anyone who would be able to hear him; he'd become an adult already without the ability to feel safe or secure with anyone. Didn't he tell her? It's dangerous to tell anyone a person's weaknesses. The cruelty of others far outweighs any hope that can be placed in them; so, he doesn't understand her feelings.

But he does know he can use them.

He softens his expression and waits for her to look at him. And he knows why immediately why he did not place Maria in the same boat as James; she can still see and revere God. Even if she knows what his plans are for their universe. ]

It may very well be that way. I've always had my faith to keep me comforted when all others failed me. [ He reaches out to rest his hand around the one she had gripping onto the cup. ] Perhaps... I should have worded it that way. I don't know loneliness because I have had something to fill that emptiness.

[ Adoration and fear for a God that loves but has no mercy in Her heart. ]

You're not a heathen, Maria. You're from my home... and I hope one day you'll believe it, but until then and even after... I'll stay with you. [ His shoulders lift. ] A fair trade for what I have told you.

[it doesn't surprise her when he brings up his faith. of course he would. one of the first things that Heather had ever told her about Vincent was that he would mention his religion and talk too much about it. she figures he's probably going to try to sell it to her. it's a surprise he doesn't lay it on too thick.

even more of a surprise that he holds her hand. they're on that level now. casual touching. though she had instigated that first. it's still a surprise that Vincent holds her hand anyway. that he tries to comfort even if she doesn't entirely buy it's from a good place. not a heathen, he says. laughable, really. he didn't know anything about her. she may not have been part of his religion but that didn't mean much.

still. he grants her something most can't. he'll give her company. that matters for something.

she's about to talk when she starts to cough, like a tickle and yet it doesn't stop. she pulls her hand away to cover her face, looking for a napkin and then trying to drink her coffee to make the coughing stop. by the time it is, she's almost breathless and her eyes watering. ]

Leave it to me to ruin the touching moment. [she jokes but internally, she's panicking because she knows what this means.] Sorry. Thank you, Vincent. Really.

[ Vincent waits to hear what she's about to say but she starts coughing. He opens his mouth to make some joke about how she must have swallowed down the wrong tube, but the sound of her cough gives him pause. Again, his mouth makes a wet, popping sound as he thinks it might be unwise to try to drink whilst coughing but he isn't sure what to do.

It is almost uncomfortable for how long it goes; he sees how she looks afterward and presses his lips into a thin line. ]

You usually are more on your game. [ He joins in with her joke. It takes him a second to loosen his expression. But only a second. If he couldn't switch easily in the Order, how could he have stayed alive for so long? ] You're welcome.

That's quite a nasty cough. I promise it isn't from me. [ Another joke since he had been ill earlier. ] Well, if you're coming down with something, we'll have to get you straight back home to rest.

[ He gestures lightly to her, holding his hand out. ] Your answer can come later but don't fret too much about what I spoke about first, Maria. It'll only become relevant at the end of this. [ Because he likes to think there would be a little award ceremony for the universes that get to be "saved" so they can make their case, then. ]

With my business out of the way, shall we get you back home? I'll even go so far as to get you some medication and supplies from a nearby store so you don't have to worry about it. [ He'll consider that reasonable deposit to an investment he's willing to bet on. A little bit of care goes a long way; his reasons may not be the best, but at least, he has sincerity? ]

Maybe I'm just allergic to you, bestie. [that would make sense more if it was sneezing but she's trying to brush this off. like this isn't anything major at all. the smile on her face is believable enough.

she nods and gets up, taking his hand. apparently this is what they do now. hold hands. it's a little funny and out of context, she assumes people would probably find this strange. but looking at them, they probably seem like a strange match. even Maria thinks they make a weird friendship but who is she to judge?

and she cannot deny that after coughing like that, fear gripping at her, she wants comfort. to feel another person's touch when she's never been granted that.]

You're a gentleman, aren't you? Well, I appreciate the thought. I'm sure the cough is nothing. It was just a tickle, really. But I'll accept your kindness because that's the thoughtful thing to do, isn't it?

Crushed, if true.

[ What's the word? He supposes that he feels "at ease" with her smile. Perhaps, she isn't going to get sick like he did for almost a week. However, he has arguments upon arguments about why he does anything - any action can be criticized and needs a response for it; yet, he doesn't think she'll ask him why he does anything. ]

It is the thoughtful thing to do. [ He heard a bit of what was weighing heavily on her mind and thought of how to convince her to convert. It's all been worthwhile in the end for him, too. ] Regardless of whether it is nothing or not, bestie, we only have ourselves here so ... let's take good care of one another.

[ A show of kindness like this is for the best; it maintains the reputation that he wants in this place, anyway. An evil man who does good things. So long as he can keep that reputation; he can move as freely as he likes in this place. That, too, is important to him.

Is it possible to live comfortably with so many contradictions in one's behavior and thoughts? Vincent would say that it's fine, at least. This is just how he's lived. Much like with loneliness, he doesn't quite know what it's like not to live the way he does; it would feel more agonizing and unsettling to be anything else.

So, he holds her hand - despite lamenting how ill she might be getting - and shall walk her home. ]

Anyway, this is just what besties do, isn't it?

Edited 2025-01-12 22:03 (UTC)

[Maria knows that for as long as Vincent finds her useful then he will help her. he'd said as much practically.

and yet it's simply nice to have someone help her. to have her cough and Vincent offering to take her home, make sure she gets there alright. it's such a basic level of politeness and Maria feels silly for caring so much that Vincent offers it to her.

though it is funny that apparently, they just hold hands now. is this what besties do? she doesn't actually know but well, she doesn't mind it. the contact is nice. even if that contact is Vincent ~~but it truly beats James' hand because who knew where that thing had been?~~]

It's fine. If I die, I just come back anyway, right? [which sounds so meaningless but wouldn't be the first time nor would it be the last time, she was sure.]

Yes, but you would lose something, and no one knows what that might be.

[ What he finds useful about her now may be lost; he isn't even sure if it is something that could be regained. That is a good question - while the person may not be able to regain what is lost, could someone else regain it for them? But who to ask?

He puts a pin in the question. ]

So, if someone must die between us ... let's have it be me, hm?

[ Nothing particularly self-sacrificing in that idea, in his opinion. Someone asked him if he had people he would die for here; he does, but the reasons are inherently selfish. He wants them to remain as they are and they want to live; it's a reasonable exchange. So no matter what is taken from him and his personality, there is too much rot to cut out of him, as far as he's concerned.

But he's not yet sure about Maria. If one piece is lost, what could unravel? What about his plans and their agreement? Too unpredictable; he hates that. ]

I've already died once. What's one more time?

[Maria isn't too sure how to quite take that. him saying that if one were to die then it should be him. she makes no assumption that Vincent does this because he cares about her, if he has ever even cared about anybody. Maria knows what their relationship is and she won't fool herself into thinking he wants her around because he simply likes her company.

she's learned that she will never quite be that for anybody probably.]

Watch out, Vincent. Anybody hears you say something like that, they'll think you're a good person. And then they'll be very disappointed, won't they? [she's teasing. he had said that he didn't want people to think this about him, only to be disappointed by him when he was truly himself.]

Seems unfair if you die twice, though. [coming from someone who has died three times. the fourth time she still has no idea about though in the back of her mind, she is still sure it happened again. she squeezes his hand.] What if you lost memories, lost thoughts or feelings or relationships?

They would be, yes. [ He flashes a smile as he joins in the teasing. ]

What's unfair is being alive. [ Vincent decides to share his thoughts with her since that is what their "date" is supposed to be about. ] But I'm not so joyless as to want to kill myself and it'd be pointless anyway.

[ He already said as much what he thinks about his being here. ] I thought about it and ... there's less of a risk of losing who I am than if it were anyone else. [ He lightly pats the top of her hand, giving it a small squeeze back. Is this reassuring or part of a bit? Maybe a little bit of both. ]

But what about Heather and you? I can't say the same... [ He hums. ] If I forgot about the cult, I'd still have my other ambitions and investments. If I forgot about my desire for investments, I'd still have my love and fear of God. There's too much to cut out... the reasons would change, but the result would be the same.

I made me... and I made that person unchangeable unless I want to, bestie.

[Maria makes a face.] Geesh, bestie. That's depressing even for me. [as someone who had strongly considered ending it before trying to make it, she could understand him, though. there were still times where she wondered if it had been worth it to try anyway.

as for the other stuff, she can laugh.]

So Heather and I are just too boring or not interesting enough? [Maria couldn't say the same for Heather but for Maria? she thought about what could be lost and what about her would remain her?

what even was she anyway? what was only her? Maria didn't know. Vincent wasn't wrong about her. any part of herself lost would ultimately be a lot to lose. her memories that belonged to Mary, her time with James, and coming here. that was all she had. when she thinks about it, it's sad. it's depressing. how pathetic, she thinks. Vincent had a whole identity and what did she have? truly nothing.

she wanted to follow up on that, just joke, but she can't. so awkward silence fills the air between them as she looks at the ground as she walks.]

Well, you're not depressing to be around, so not surprising -- [ His head cocks to the side before he shrugs his shoulders. ]

And hardly. You two are too interesting.

[ Heather is Alessa and vise versa. If something were to tip the scales, it may be more Alessa is Heather. His insistence she is and lives as a regular teenage girl stems from the concern about what she could be capable of doing. Furthermore, he would lose his ability to manipulate her - of that, he is certain.

Maria has hidden depths to her that he doesn't believe he will uncover within a few meetings. They only just became friends, after all. She showed a little of herself and weaknesses that plague her, but what if those are gone? Certainly, she would feel at ease to no longer experience loneliness, but what else would change about her? The deal that they've made may become something she no longer wants to uphold.

Vincent notes the awkward silence and decides to fill it with his voice. ]

Even for the high-ranking members of the Order, if our conduct is considered unseemly, these concerns can be brought before the Council. If deemed true, re-education may be necessary to remind us how we should be acting as clergy and stewards of God.

[ It isn't always murder if the person is too useful to lose, after all. ]

So, what can you do to protect yourself? Make every part of you interchangeable so that nothing can be lost even if someone finds a way to break loose something that is inside of you. [ He squeezes her hand. ] See? I'm more suited for this sort of thing, and I end up with the bonus of feeling like you two owe me something after.

A win-win, don't you think?

[it's laughable how Vincent talks. not about the subject matter, because that isn't funny at all, but how Vincent speaks as if none of this is bad. as if nothing about this religion is concerning.

and how he talks about how useful her and Heather are. still, she can't be bothered. becoming friends with Vincent was understanding what he was about. he had opened up to her about it anyway. had told her just as much what he was, the kind of person he was. so no, it doesn't bother her.]

How comforting for you. [and then she decides to chance it, asking:] Didn't it ever worry you that you had to create a failsafe for this type of thing? People change. Nobody really stays the same, do they?

[Silent Hill had always changed her, made her act in ways she didn't think she ever would have wanted to. but well, that hadn't been her, had it? or at least, hadn't been her authentically. whatever that meant.

people changed and it seemed concerning that you weren't allowed that freedom.]

Isn't it just?

[ Vincent chimes in response. He makes a soft noise at the comments about change and people. The corner of his mouth twists down as he warps his face into a thoughtful one. ]

No? [ Squinting, he doesn't understand the concern. ] I refuse to change because of other people's whims. [ It is just that simple and just that haunting a decision to make. Should he thank Leonard for it? The cruelty of that man is burned in the back of his mind; the insane heretic she became is partially his doing, after all.

Break every bone in his body. Blind him. Deafen him. Do whatever they must, but he won't change because they want him to change. Every piece of him will be interchangeable. Every thing he does has reasons upon reasons upon them; arguments upon arguments built into them. Failsafe upon failsafe to keep him as he wants to be.

Does that make him a rotten individual? Yes. He won't argue what he is, but he's just looking out for himself - and that's what everyone is doing in the end. Maria. Heather. James. All of them are trying to ensure they're doing the best for themselves so, putting it like that: ]

There's nothing wrong with remaining as you want to be regardless if the world wants you to change.

[Vincent can talk like this because he's had the freedom. somehow. despite the cult and how it has controlled so many, Vincent seems to have escaped it with this sense of self. part of her wonders how much Vincent actually believes in the faith he's part of when he seems to care far more about himself.

but Vincent wasn't unique. history was filled with people who had only cared about themselves, even when their religion said they should otherwise.]

Ah, bestie. I'm jealous of you. I wish I could be more like you, if I'm being honest.

[not that she had ever had the chance. her survival had been dependent on being exactly what she had to be. for James, for that damn town. Maria didn't even know what she wanted. even now.] I'm guessing your piece of advice would be I should just start being like you? Go all out. Drugs, sex, rock and roll. Like we talked about.

[back when she had thought she made Vincent angry at her for good. that he'd never talk to her again when he realized she'd lied about where she came from. why did that feel so long ago?]

You certainly can become more like me, bestie.

[ Just skipping over the reasons for why he is the way that he is. She can become like him - because he did find solace in his faith. ]

I'm willing to help you convert at any time. [ Because surely, she's heard everything he's said and found peace in what he's said. Nothing he's shared has been overly damning or upsetting, in his eyes, at least. ] And yes, go as wild as you like. God will be on your side, after all.

[ Until they obliterate their universe because there's no saving it, but details. The point is, he's showing his reverence and piety by bringing others to worship Her. ]

[that's laughable, she thinks. what god was on her side? if there had been any god then it had helped to keep her trapped there in that hell. the only thing that had been on her side was what the town wanted.

she wonders how his tune would change if he knew what she was. was she someone who could still be converted?]

Try to convert me before we say screw it and maybe destroy the whole universe. That sounds normal. But God will support it, right? [she laughs before it becomes a cough and she clears her throat.]

What else will God support, I wonder.

God cares for all humanity.

[ Or he will be. ]

Quite a bit. [ The only thing he's sure that She won't support is someone speaking for Her. ] It's why we can be however we like so long as we show our fear and love for that which is above. Forgiveness will come to everyone.

[ Of course, that is if God was Herself. He clicks his tongue. ]

Anyway, what's the harm of believing in something before the end of it all?

[what was the harm? what a joke. had there been forgiveness before she died? the first time? the second? the third? had there been any mercy given to her? she hadn't asked for this and yet...]

Can I ask a personal question? [she continues on before Vincent can answer. she's asking anyway!]

How did you die? Was it peaceful? Painful? Surrounded by comfort or all alone? Vincent, what were the last words that went through your mind?

[ He opens his mouth to reply, but it seems she's asking regardless of whatever his answer would be. However, the series of questions is surprising, but not something that he would be against answering. ]

Personal questions. [ He decides the emphasize the "s" at the end of the word before he says anything else. ]

Stabb in the back and in the chest. [ With his free hand, he points about where based on how he felt it. ] No. Quite. I was bleeding out on rust-covered metal flooring listening to a lunatic ramble on.

[ He shrugs his shoulders as he squeezes her hand. ] There wasn't any comfort and I didn't expect any, either. I died alone without anyone to grieve me just as I always wanted. [ He tilts his head as he frowns. ] Paradise was there if she hadn't fucked it up. [ Vincent turns and smiles. ] Sorry - language.

But yes, my last thought -- "I'm leaving it to you, Heather." [ A smile before he frowns. ]

[well...that wasn't a good way to die. Maria is taken aback a little. it was more similar to her deaths than she would've thought was possible. but he's so sad. Vincent could say he had God and his faith, that it was enough for him, but had it been? had he felt that as he died? who wanted to die alone?

she'd say as such, that she thought there was no way he could be happy with such a life, but Vincent always told her otherwise. no point in repeating herself.]

Yeah, a girl like me really finds 'fuck' offensive. [just a murmur, a small joke. but she squeezes his hand. the annoyance she had felt was slowly leaving her and now she felt ridiculous for getting annoyed at all. anything she wanted to say she didn't feel she could. or should.]

So you were...[murdered. she doesn't say it but the word is there in the silence.]. Well. I'm sorry. [she should offer that much at least.] I would have assumed your faith would have been a comfort. Given on what you preach.

I find it offensive. I'm better than that, Maria. [ That's the important part of his apology. An apology to himself. ]

It's fine. [ Vincent waves his hand, dismissively. ] I, at least, got to hear what I wanted from that psychopath. [ Let it not be said that he isn't a petty individual. Even though he lay bleeding, he did feel a tinge of happiness in hearing Claudia admit she wasn't bound for Heaven or salvation. She knew all along she was going to Hell for what she was doing; she knew she was a heretic!

It's nice to have confirmation of what he'd been saying since the beginning! ]

Well, I did feel comforted. I knew that the person who murdered me was going to Hell and they knew it, too.

[ He offers her a nasty, pleased smile. ] What better comfort is there than that?

Edited 2025-01-21 01:37 (UTC)

[then why say it in the first place, bestie? questions she won't ask but wonders.

Maria wonders how he can discuss his death so easily. was this a front? or perhaps the matter of death meant something different. for Maria, death had felt like an unfair punishment. and for Vincent? well, she had no idea. it didn't seem right to ask either.]

Being alive and living a long life? But maybe I dream too big. [living certainly hadn't felt like a possibility for her.]

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cw: suicide talk

cw: suicide talk as well!

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cw: death discussion

cw: death discussion

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