etrayalogs | count me in as i do it--closed.

Entry tags:

count me in as i do it--closed.

WHO: Vander and Maria
WHEN: After the mission
WHERE: Their apartment
WHAT: Post mission talk
NOTES\WARNINGS: Discussions of death, murder, and trauma. NSFW.

[Maria had warned Vander that as soon as the mission was over, she would be seeking him out. and that had been before he died from what should have killed her. Vander didn't stand a chance of escaping her if he'd wanted to. the day they were returning, Maria found him and took his hand. squeezing it as tight as she could which probably felt like nothing to the much stronger man but it had to count for something. show him that she truly had no plans of letting him go.

going back, it was tense. not uncomfortable but all Maria wanted to do was be with him. hold him close and kiss him and tell him she loved him. the vision of his death, his last words, still kept playing in her mind. Vander coming back, soaked with blood, was not a sight she ever wanted to see again. but they had to behave. they had to talk about things, about them, and there was a lot to do. a lot to discuss. though the only word in her mind was his name, home, and how much she loved him.

Maria feels like she's basically jogging to get back to their apartment as soon as they land in Etraya. she doesn't want to talk to anybody else right now or see anybody. maybe it's selfish of her but she's held back so much when it comes to Vander, she's tired of doing it. after that mission, Maria doesn't plan to behave. Vander doesn't need her to behave anyway. he needs to know she's there for him, be held, and know just how much she understands him.

when they are back at their apartment, Maria is opening the door as quickly as she can and trying to pull him inside. her arms wrap around him and her head rests itself against his chest.]

I don't want to leave the apartment for a couple of days at least. Is that okay? I just don't want to lose sight of you.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Complaining for the sake of complaining is out of the question. I'd rather have a positive attitude. [Though he could see her point when it came to his normal behaviours. He did not vent much even now, though he tried to be truthful about his feelings especially with her.] Right? Everything we've endured back home and here lead to us meeting and bring brought together. I won't have regrets about that.

[That wasn't to say that he didn't have regrets. There were many, including the topic of conversation right now. When he told Maria that there was something dark inside him, he hadn't been willing to try to articulate what that was. That night he had lost control of it and Silco had suffered; he had thought both of them would die and join Felicia that night but no, both of them lived on scarred and broken differently.

He closed his eyes at her question, not enjoying the pain that surfaced at talking about this.] He could have killed me and been done with it, but he wanted to make a point so... he tortured me and waited for my kids to show up on some rescue scheme. If he had just killed me, they wouldn't have had reason to stay and when the explosion happened, they wouldn't have been caught in it. [That's how he saw it anyway. He knew there was more to it, that Silco wanted him angry, wanted to pull out what had faded.

He looked at her sadly and stroked his fingers down her neck.] I... it's a common story where I'm from. Children are exploited and hurt all the time. They are press-ganged into service all over the place. Idle hands and all that...

[back in Silent Hill, Maria had never had much time to complain. not when she'd had James to try to seduce in a very short timeline. though there were times when she would wake up, realize the cycle had begun again, and she'd screamed and screamed. it had been good to get that out.

not so much complaining as it was not letting things staying bottled up. keeping it all inside resulted in James Sunderland and Mary's tragedy.

Vander? well. there were still a lot of details about his tragedy that she had to learn. Maria was learning part of it now. initially Maria had wished Vander had told her about Silco's existence sooner but now knowing what she did? no, it was good she hadn't. if Maria had realized just who that man had been when she'd met him? well, it would be a much different story.

Maria understands far more now why Vander feels so responsible. even without the Silco of it all, he was going to feel his children's deaths like weights. as a father, he would have questioned what he could have done differently. but adding Silco into it? that this had been about Vander? Maria couldn't begin to imagine the intense grief Vander must have felt.]

That bastard spoke like a victim. [to Maria, no matter what Vander had done to hurt Silco didn't matter much in the wake of what Silco had done. involving children? there was no excusing that.] People hurt and use children in my world as well but we call those people monsters. That's what he is. A disgusting monster. I can't believe I felt sympathy for him, that I thought I could understand him. I didn't know it was you he was talking about but I told him I hoped for his vengeance. I'm sorry.

[He appreciated Maria's reaction, that she was so affronted when for many who would hear the tale, it was the cost of doing business and the price of a vengeance owed after his own actions of the past. Certainly, it had been pushed at him by his own people on more than one occasion, and while he didn't believe it for a second that any of his children deserved that fate, it still stung each time.

Silco was right about him being chained by Piltover, by the deal he had made. At the time, it had felt like the only choice. Even now, recalling where he had been sitting, the state that he had been in, he wasn't certain he would make a different decision. It was a complicated situation, but he didn't deny he played a part and he would shoulder the memory of their final moments. Triumph turned to tragedy.

He bowed his head enough that his forehead touched hers.] Maria, thank you. It's... a complicated situation, though I question if I can call those final decisions with any particular nuance. [And he knew that when one rose high enough in the Undercity, exploitation was how wealth was generated.] Well, he did get his vengeance, part of it anyway. He won't be satisfied until he has brought me to heel and unearthed the person who did that to him and exposed that to the world to turn their backs on me.

[He sighed heavily, rolling from his side to his back so he could stare at the ceiling. This was not a topic for a post-mission date was it?] When I told you in Aphaia that there was something dark in me, that's what I'm talking about. It's all tightly wound these days but... I'm scared to become that person again.

[that was the thing about complicated situations. sometimes they drew complicated actions out. Maria had done plenty, said plenty, in her own situation. she had lost track the amount of times she had tried to make James relapse on his drinking addiction just so he would never leave Heaven's Night and she wouldn't have to deal with another painful death. and didn't that make her just sound awful?

so what Vander did in his own difficult situation could hardly be judged, if you asked Maria. certainly not by her.

Maria watched him move and she didn't know if he wanted his space. she didn't move to be too close to him again, especially since this was hard topic. perhaps not a date topic but it was a fitting topic for them to cover. they wanted to be serious and if that was their wish then they had to talk about things like this. her hand did go to his arm to squeeze.]

Are you afraid that what he saw, what he wants vengeance against, is still in you?

[Maria didn't doubt the sincerity of Silco's anger. that had been real. even Vander was not claiming to be innocent. it seemed to both of them that Vander had wronged the other man. and that was possible. Maria just didn't think it excused hurting children to get to the man. there had to be boundaries somewhere and Maria didn't care what Vander did. nothing excused what Silco did.]

[One hand remained on his stomach as he stared up at the ceiling, yet his other hand closest to Maria crept out to find her leg to make it clear that his new position was not a rejection of closeness. He wasn't certain he could look her in the face without that old shame welling up inside of him.

He felt her hand on his arm, and it drew him to turning his head to regard her next to him on the bed. This felt different, opening up like this where there wasn't the usual teasing to derail the conversation. They were pushing into it, a seriousness to pair with their light-hearted fun. Maybe it was the blues from the mission where he had died.

He chewed his lower lip at her question as he lifted his hand from his belly to push through his long hair, pulling it from the back of his neck.] I know it is. When I saw myself as that beast, that's all it was. It was purified, and I... can't be that man again, but I still could slip to be him with the right motivation.

[And Silco knew that. That's what the other man was after, to bring him down and destroy him not by dealing the killing blow but by exposing that man who he had once been. The man that Silco had put to work as they took the underground together as young men. Silco wanted him to be a monster, and Vander was afraid it was truth.]

I'll never be innocent, and I accept what I did back then. There's a lot of blame that falls on my shoulders, but my concern is shrugging it off and just not caring about that anymore. I want to be a better man.

[Maria listens and knows it's important that she does. that she understands where Vander is coming from, how he feels. she had opened up to him and he had listened. this was what she wanted to return to him.

the hand on his arm moves to the hand on her leg to cover him there. her fingers squeeze his hand and she nods.]

We can't be all good and you know that. You weren't an innocent man then and you aren't one now. I'm not an innocent woman either. You did something that Silco can't forgive you for and maybe you don't deserve that. Maybe that is true.

But all we can do is be better people. You tried. For your children and for the people who depended on you. Maybe that beast is part of the bad things but you didn't bring that out. Others did. And against your will. There is always going to be motivation to do anything, good or bad. It's about the decision you make and you're making that decision right now. You don't want to continue that.

[and he was making the choice to be better. do better. not to simply sit here and feel sorry for himself. or to try to punish himself like James had. Maria doesn't doubt he has done bad things but she doubts this is all there is to him at this point.

her fingers squeeze his once more.]

You know what I see when I look at you? A man. A man who is trying his best and doing what he can, a man who hurts from his mistakes, and a man that wants to do better. But you're just a man. One I love and I think you're incredible but I am a bit biased. [she has to make this a little lighthearted. it was their way.]

This is just who you are. All of these parts make you who you are but it doesn't mean you're fully one thing or the other.

[Vander sighed, his eyes closing as he nodded in agreement with her. He knew he wasn't a good man because there were things that needed to be done that couldn't be considered 'good' by other society standards. He didn't care about those behaviors and actions he had to take.

He appreciated her admitting to being a flawed person as well. It helped to build solidarity that he knew was there and always had been since the first day that he had met her.]

Yeah, I've been trying to be a better person in my life, but even now, there are times where it's so easy to slip. The way I grew up, it was a dog-eat dog-world out there. It was one of the few ways to survive, but after I became an adult, I wanted more for the next generation. I wanted them to experience a freedom I knew existed beyond our borders, even if we had to do it our way.

[He recalled establishing the Lanes, the safe haven where people could trade and yeah there were hazards to a black market, but people did still mostly feel comfortable. He ran a tight ship, and he had been pleased and wanted to expand it, but life happened and he began to prioritize other things when he became aware of the cost, of how Piltover would put them in their place and cost lives.

That fight would be an all out war and people did die. The fire that burned within had been dimmed when the full extent of their cruelty took important people from him. He'd lost the fight and began to appease and perhaps that's what he hated deep, deep down in himself and that was the most frightening aspect.

Maybe Silco was right. It was never a phrase that he wanted to utter when it came to himself.

Vander rolled over again so he could rest his cheek on Maria's knee. He flicked his gaze up to regard her, watching her beautiful openness. He felt warm being with her, talking about things he hadn't uttered for years.]

Do you ever wonder if your best is a part of yourself that you fear to let loose again? When you were at your best and the peak of your life, you were also both the best and worst parts of yourself for the entire world to see? And you had no regrets about it?

[He smiled when she said that she loved him. That would never grow old for him. It was such a warmth and pleasure to be her lover and now her man.]

I love you too, Maria. You're the best person to come into my life in such a long time. You've given me back a strength I thought that I had left behind. [He turned his face so he could kiss her thigh affectionately.] You mean so much to me. Everything just feels right when I'm with you, and I haven't had that feeling in such a long time.

[He looked up at her again.] You're a person, a real, feeling, breathing person and no one can take that from you no matter how you originally came to be. And you're my person, and I'll protect you and care for you however I can.

[sometimes you didn't have the luxury to be a good person. the freedom others could have sometimes was built on a dark history where others suffered and atrocities happened to make the paradise happen at all. it was simply history and she knew Vander had been someone who had to suffer.

but he had wanted better for the future. to Maria, that was the difference. that would always be the difference. he had not been a good person because he'd wanted Zaun to improve and had done the dirty job nobody else could. sometimes you didn't do the right thing. that was simply how it was.

Maria knew it was probably easy to talk to her. not only because she knew Vander cared about her, trusted her, but Maria was different. created from something dark, something awful. born from the misery of a dying woman and marriage. perhaps it was easy for her to understand the darker side of things because of that.

his question makes her pause to think.] I think the best me has been here. Back in Silent Hill, I used to do whatever I could to try to get done what I had to. James had a real bad drinking problem, you know. I tried to get him drunk a lot so he'd never leave the bar and I could take advantage of him. Worked sometimes. [it's not something she's ever talked about before to anybody. she knows it's awful but she doesn't regret it, that is obvious from her tone. doesn't even feel like she had been bad for doing so. but she knew that admitting such a thing would make people uncomfortable. Vander wouldn't judge her.] The best part of me has been that I don't give up and I think that's one of your best parts. You had a goal and you were going to make it happen. And not to mention you were younger, yeah? Way more gung ho and ready to do whatever it took. Easy to look back and think the grass was greener back then. The best part of you is still there and you shouldn't have regrets about it. That's what I think.

[you had to do what you had to do, simply put. Maria couldn't fault Vander for it.

she smiles down at him and when he looks back up at her, she leans down to kiss his cheek. it's an awkward position to do it but she doesn't care. he deserves a kiss. the way he talks about her, has always talked about her, makes her feel special. she loves him, he loves her, and that's never going to change.]

Geesh, talking to me like that? Like you haven't already gotten my legs spread before. But you're my person, too. No matter what you've done in your past. I see you, Vander. Darkness and all. Just like you see me, darkness and all. They're parts of us and loving someone means acknowledging it all. Maybe that beast is part of you but so are my ugly parts.

[Vander knew that the world was shades of grey and that there were no innocent people that existed. They had actions, thoughts and motivations that were selfish and that was okay because people had to feel like they could survive in the world in which they lived. There were, of course, true acts of vile and evil, but in so many cases, it wasn't those.

So he inclined his head where it rested on Maria's knee as she admitted to encourage James drinking and taking advantage of him. He had seen that many, many times in his long career as a bartender and also when he was a youth at parties or drinking holes where flesh was often worth the price of risk. He didn't judge her or blame him, especially as he knew a little of her world. She did what many did when they wanted something.]

You had the means and the motivation. [He said that without judgment. He had never seen inclination of Maria doing so with him, her patrons or even his own.] Considering you said the whole affair in Silent Hill is his punishment, that has to be part of what he thought he deserved, I suppose. [He hummed in agreement as she went on to describe the best of her, and he smiled up at her. Two of them flawed people admitting the quiet part out loud for once. He felt warm with her trust.] No, you don't, and you have a strong will for survival, which I appreciate.

[Vander huffed in amusement about the comments about his youth. Oh, if only she knew! He was such a force.] I had far less to lose than I did to gain from being gungho, and I lived my life like it could be my last much of the time. I was a menace, and I would have swept you off your feet if you had known me then. [She was the type of person he would have been curious to build a friendship with and yeah, he likely would have slept with her too if she had been interested.

He lifted his head to her kiss so it was a bit less of an awkward angle for her. He then moved in, kissing the swell of her hip then her belly before kissing his way up her front and between her breasts before he was sucking on her neck if she didn't push him off.]

Maybe I'm aiming for you to feel the urge to spread them again for me... [He smirked.] I see you, Maria, darkness and all, and I'm not deterred by it in the least. You mean, your bed monster butterfly flinging screeching parts? You were so beautiful and tragic even then in that memory.

[Vander brings up a point that she had never considered. if maybe her doing those things to James was still some part of him wanting punishment. there were so many times Maria had never been able to know what was her, what was James, and what had been that town. for a long time, whenever she did things like that, she had considered it her own actions. but now Vander made her question that. had it been her making the decision to do that or still the strings of the puppet master James unknowingly played...

but was it important to consider right now? everybody could wonder about their motivations. if they still would have made the same decisions based on different circumstances.] Being a menace didn't have as many risks. And being young, not so much to lose. The perks of youth. Easy to be nostalgic.

[Maria wouldn't push him off and she puts her hands on his shoulders lightly as he kisses her body and by the time he's at her neck, she's gasping silently and lying back against the pillow. her neck moves to offer him more space and her legs do spread as if offering him some prize.]

I know you're not deterred. The first thing you did after seeing me like that was fuck me up against a wall. Hard to turn you off, I guess. [it was how she had known that they wouldn't judge each other so easily, how she knew that Vander was always going to be her friend no matter what. her hands move into his hair and her voice takes a softer tone.] We see each other, Vander. Your bad parts don't make up all of you and they say more about the good of you, too. But all of it's you and all of it is worth knowing. Worth loving and embracing.

It did, but as long as the outcomes of those risks fell on me, it seemed perfectly reasonable to shoulder it. What did I have to lose? I might die in the streets or in a gang fight or in the mines, so... I wanted to choose freedom even within my prison.

[It had been different back then, of course. Why wouldn't it have been? The enforcers were as they always were, a threat from the other city. They might have been the worst, but the undercity was crawling with their own looking to have a leg up as well and some would do whatever it took for their own version of progress. It was a cycle of use and abuse with glimmers of decency and hope; both of those were dangerous in a city oppressed.

He followed her as she lay back, leaning over to keep contact as his hair slid off of his shoulders to curtain his face against her neck. He smiled at her observation of their first meeting after Aphaia mission, and he nuzzled her as he kissed up to the line of her jaw.]

Did I ever admit that I delayed messaging you? I wanted to as soon as we returned, but I thought it was inappropriate and you might think I'm coming on too strong. [It was even more funny because they had messaged each other within seconds of one another, so he knew that she had been holding off just as much. He pressed his nose against her cheek, using his hair as a curtain again to shadow their faces together.] Our bad parts make up our whole but they aren't the whole of us. You've shown me I can be loved again like this, and for that, I'll always be in your debt. It's been a long time since I've been in love, and I'm happy I found that again with you.

[but then people relied on him. he had his children. taking those risks didn't seem so simple once you knew people needed you. the downsides just didn't seem worth it considering the available benefits.

Maria doesn't say that quiet part out loud. Vander doesn't need the reminder of his past coming back to bite him in the ass, losing his sons. losing his own life on top of it. even in death, his body being taken from him. Vander knew these things well enough.] There are still ways to choose freedom. Even now. In small ways, at least. As strange as a situation as this is. [and it was certainly strange.]

Coming on too strong and then I just moved in. Guess I changed that tone real quick. Our next post mission date, the mission was still going. [and things had been so blurred, even back then. but her and Vander had maintained they just wanted things as they were, or she had assumed they'd both maintained that. her head turned and she kissed the skin she could reach.] I never thought I'd find a person like you. I never thought there would ever be anybody but James. But we found each other and I'm happy, too. You've made me happy, Vander. [a sense of deja vu, words spoken by Mary to James. but she truly felt them now with Vander. understood them in ways she never could have with James.] I love you more than I can put into words.

I know. I haven't felt so free unless I'm with you. Everything seems possible again. [Yes, he had something to lose in her, but he also had so much to regain that he thought that he had lost or put aside. The future that awaited him was for him if and when he returned to Runeterra. He had a mission in advocating for his world, but more than that, he had Maria who breathed warmth and acceptance into his life.

He laughed softly at her reminder of how things had escalated in terms and tone after Aphaia when they had met up again. Then the mission after. They had been pretty bound to each other.] You did just move in, and we both seemed content with the arrangement. And in my defense, we were having a stroll in the woods and you wanted to go back to the apartment. Who was I to deny you?

[His smile was warm and broad as he continued to lean over her, and he felt warmth spread in his chest.] I like to think I treat you better than James, but I'm open to constructive criticism on my performance. You deserve to be happy, deserve to be loved and cared for. [He hummed in agreement, leaning down to kiss her sweetly.] I love you similarly. Never stop being you, okay?

[Vander had always been nice to her. even when they'd first met and he had been reeling from his worst moments. during all their times, he'd had compliments for her and she had teased him about how he clearly knew how to charm people.

but there was something so different about this. about what he had to say and she knew her smiles must seem so giddy.] You could make a girl blush. [Maria didn't blush but the sentiment behind it was still the same. he made her feel flustered.]

Living with you felt right. Everything about you felt right. [the first time they'd had sex, that morning after, comforting each other after Aphaia...really, Vander had made her feel safe and happy. it wasn't a surprise that she had moved into Vander's. and he'd seemed to enjoy it as well. maybe this evolution of theirs had been inevitable.] You came knocking at my door, took me out and told me you wanted me to stay with you. Who wouldn't have wanted to go back to their place after something like that?

[Maria leaned into his kiss to press another softer one to his lips. they'd always been affectionate, always touching and sharing kisses. but these kisses did feel different. there was a deeper meaning to them now and no second guessing about how things could be taken.]

Baby girl, you're truly one in a million. You're not perfect, neither am I, but we'll make this work. And I'll always be there for you. I'll always love you and keep supporting your own fight for your world. We're here for each other and I'm never going to stop caring about you. All of you.

You know... I've never actually lived alone until I came here. It felt foreign to me, and I was delighted when your personal belongs kept making their way in. [She had put his life back into a sense of right again, her presence calming the unspoken distresses that he hadn't entirely known until they had evaporated.] I wanted you to know that I had returned mostly in one piece and that I missed you. Besides, the cabins bed didn't accommodate two people, so our bed was calling.

[His eyes fluttered closed as she replied in kind to the kiss that they shared together. He breathed her scent through his nose and savoured their closeness, one hand moved to lightly card his fingers through the hair behind her ear.]

Ha, now who is giving compliments? [He hummed softly, pecking her lips again.] Always is a long time, you know? I'm going to have to hold you to that. I'll protect you and love you as I know you deserve, and we'll do everything we can to protect both of our worlds.

[it went without saying that Maria had been alone. the vague backstory assigned to her told her that she'd never lived with anybody either. Maria didn't need to tell Vander, she knew that.] Ah, so you would have been happy if it were anyone, yeah? I should be happy it was me, then. What good luck. [her grin is so obviously teasing. a little game to test his reflex on that. he was a master at this and she liked to keep him on his feet.]

Always is a long time but always is a promise I'm willing to keep. I can't see myself hating you. [she kissed him again and again.] I'm loyal, I stick to what I care about and you're just one of those people now. We'll work together to make this work.

[Vander huffed at her question, making a point to roll his eyes before allowing them to crawl over her nude body were she lay against the bedding.] Well, I did have my fair share of dalliances, but you were the one played on opportunity when you could. I appreciate your eagerness to take over my bath and bed; it's very attractive, much like the rest of you. [He could give as good as he received, as always.]

Are you, hmm? No matter what this place throws at us, yeah? [He leaned into each kiss, replying in kind and savouring them, smile growing with each one.] I should nickname you barnacle instead of pupa, huh? Loyalty is something we have in common. [He moved his weight more to the left hand against the mattress and suddenly, almost shyly offered her his right forearm where the leather brace he never removed remained a constant presence. He turned it so the buckles were within easy reach.] Take this off?

You like someone who knows what they want and I always knew what I wanted. How much I wanted was the only thing up for debate but I knew I wanted you. [that had never been in doubt. Maria had known exactly she wanted Vander from their second meeting, when he had comforted her. by their third meeting, it had become obvious what they both wanted from each other.

and now look at them.

her eyes look down to his brace before meeting his eyes again, trying to search them for any trepidation. there wasn't any. but she had never really seen him remove this brace. Maria had always figured it would stay apart of him and she wouldn't ask questions. but it seemed like there was something to this story and so Maria does as she's asked, beginning to undo the buckles of it to help him take it off. she stays quiet otherwise, giving him the space to talk.]

A woman who knows what she wants and happens to be the most beautiful and supportive one that I've ever encountered here. [He smiled at her, offering a little wink because he would sell her beauty to anyone that would listen, especially her. He knew she was someone he wanted to know from their first meeting and by the second, he knew he was smitten.

He waited for her to unbuckle his brace and then slid it free of his arm to drop beside the bed. He flexed his hand and then brought it up to cup her face affectionately.] Think this is as close to naked as you've ever had me. [They both wear the collars now, so well, they still had some attire.

Yet, on the inside of his forearm and long raised black scar existed. It looked uglier than it felt these days, but it was a sign of his old shame and he didn't like looking at it.] Silco gave me this scar. I deserved it, but... it was the final piece of that day where I nearly killed him. We all have our shames, right?

[there is a very unladylike snort at that but it is Vander to his core. a charmer with a way with words. and she knows he isn't lying, saying pretty things to just say them. he means them.] Again, talking like a man trying to get me to spread my legs. Like it'd be so hard when he's so handsome and knows how to use what he's got. [but two could play that game.

she nuzzles her face into his hand and then looks at the scar. it is ugly but ugly in the way she knew it must be ugly for him to be reminded. he had loved Silco, that much was obvious. and what had happened must be terrible to think about. she moved his hand and pressed her lips to the scar, kissing him lightly along it.] What happened that day? What brought you to that point? [she hoped she didn't sound acccusatory, to not make him feel any worse. but it seemed like it was a good time for him to talk about this.]

[She was ever so charming when he could pull unladylike sounds from her honestly. It endeared him to her further, if that was even possible. He leaned down to kiss her jaw lightly.] Well, you have already lay back with your legs open so... it seems I am succeeding. I'll keep showing you my skills as long as you like.

[His fingers flexed, bulging the scar then stopped when her lips found their way to the tainted flesh. He knew be revealing it that it would provide an invitation for questions.] We were... burying our dead from the failed revolution. We have... mostly water burials, and it was raining hard. Everyone except Silco and I had left, and we... grieved in our own way. He started in at me, picking and unwilling to take no for an answer not to march back to the bridge and fight. I was hurting and upset and angry, and I just... snapped. That beast inside me took control and I tried to kill him. In the struggle, he managed to grab my knife and stabbed me in the gut and then sliced my forearm. He managed to flee after that... [He bowed his head, closing his eyes, wondering if he had said too much. They had come this far; she should know his secrets.]

I think you learned quickly it isn't hard to get my legs spread. [and it wasn't something she was ashamed of. she knew Vander wasn't either. they'd both been sluts and had had their fun. with each other and others as well.] But I'll take any excuse to have you flirt with me. [to show her any attention honestly.

she listens and doesn't judge. it would be unfair of her to judge Vander for this when James had killed Mary for worse reasons and Maria still couldn't find herself offended by it. this didn't change anything to Maria. it only explained Vander's fear.] They have a saying in my world. First step to fixing your problem is admitting you got it. [she peers at him and there's sympathy there.] We all handle our feelings differently. Sometimes when we hurt, we get angry. And you did. Seems like Silco did, too. But it's something he still does and it's something you see about yourself. You've tried to get better and that's the difference. Maybe your anger got the best of you, then. And maybe it still could now...if you let it. But you don't want to, do you? [and that was the big difference to her.]

Yeah well, we're both guilty as charged with that. It's nice that we'll be spreading our legs for each other from now on though. [He was not ashamed of his behaviour and also didn't mind that he was dedicating himself to Maria only. They had both had fun with other people and each other; now, they would have fun with each other.] Is that so? Well, I'll be certain to flirt more now.

[He knew that she was aware of the actions of what he had done, but also the man that she had dealt with back in her world. Her nonjudgmental attentiveness was appreciated, and he nuzzled her affectionately.] He's always been a firecracker, but we had just lost so many people and I wasn't...my best. Neither was he. It's not excuse for either of us. [He eased down to lay over her, nestling his face into her neck and kissing the leather choker she was wearing.] I never want you to feel afraid of me.

I wasn't spreading them enough for you, huh? I'll make sure to remedy that. [as if she wouldn't have slept with him any time he wanted it. as if she hadn't hit on him enough times. ] You'll flirt more, I'll spread my legs for you more.

[Maria sighed, pleasantly and happily. they'd always been affectionate but this had only made things better. even with such a serious discussion. it was a tough one but she thought they were bonding in ways they hadn't been able to before.] I can't imagine being afraid of you. And even with what you're telling me, I can't see it. I love you. You made a mistake but one of you tried to be better. And that's who I'm with right now.

Well, we don't plan on leaving the apartment for a day or two, so that's a good start as far as I'm concerned. [He appreciated their willingness for affection and that extended to sex as well, which he knew they would engage in often as they were back in that heightened affectionate period.] I can tell we won't accomplish much more than sex for a bit.

[He appreciated that he could tell her things that he otherwise would keep to himself rather than divulge to anyone else. He trusted her judgment and her willingness to be open. She had always been supportive without coddling him.] Thank you, Maria, you'll make me a better man, I know it. I only hope I can be equally as supportive for you.

count me in as i do it--closed.

cw: child exploitation mentions

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

cw: alcohol addiction and lack of consent mention

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)