I like it when the bite marks cut through the skin (Closed)

[cantilevers]

WHO: Kirk Langstrom (godsandbats) & Vander (cantilevers)
WHEN: Post-Mission 010
WHERE: The Tower of Justice
WHAT: Vander is playing a visit to Kirk who has been in hiding since the mission.
NOTES\WARNINGS: References to biting, exsanguination


Vander arrived at the Tower of Justice a few days after the mission which had seemingly ended disastrously for so many people. He had tried to touch base with those who had been around him to check in on them, and a few had reached back and others had not. Hernan had made indications that Kirk was in a bad way and holed up in the Tower due to psychological and emotional traumas. That was something he could understand himself.

It was clear early on that Kirk would not be willing to make contact with him. His text had gone ignored and Hernan had seemed to take the hard line that it was his position to fix this. He supposed that's what he did, wasn't it?

Like usual, he stepped up to the front door, knocked and waited the cursory few seconds that would allow someone to open the door before he was stepping inside the foyer of the Tower. It looked the same, though the security looked better with more lights on it, but it was currently inactive thanks to Hernan.

He knew the route by heart at this point, so he meandered his down the various huge hallways until he found himself at Kirk's laboratory. It was, as usual, darkened and moody, set for someone with sensitivity to light. He leaned on the door frame and crossed his arms over his chest as he allowed his eyes time to adjust so that he could pick out Kirk in the darkened lab. He knew that Kirk would know he was here; there was no point obfuscating himself and so he didn't bother.

"You're not taking my calls, Lamprey. I'm starting to think that came down with the flu or something. Need me to make you some soup?"

Comments

[cantilevers]

"That's one and the same," he pointed out logically. He hummed as Kirk pressed the point, and for the first time, he dropped his gaze aside and scratched at his bearded cheek with his fingers. "You weren't the first on that front," he said softly. "Nor the last actually."

He had plenty to consider in his own downtime, but he knew that was his burden to bear just like Kirk hiding out here was the other man's. He would prefer to avoid it lasting too long in Kirk's case, aware the self-hatred was strong and likely unrelenting.

"I came to make certain you're alright and that you give yourself time and space to heal. I hoped that saying I forgave you would start you on that path."

[godsandbats]

Tension remains in Kirk as he keeps frowning. Multiple deaths was not what he expected to hear and it makes him even more concern for Vander.

"Thank you for checking on me," he says, even though he still feels like he doesn't deserve it. "But what happened with you?"

He has his doubts if Vander was still emotionally or psychologically fine after all that.

[cantilevers]

He nodded his head, accepting Kirk's thanks. He knew from experience that rolling a conversation forward was the best way to pull Kirk out of his own head, so he had issue doing that.

"Any time, Kirk. You do deserve it, and I don't think anyone who knows you here in Etraya wants you to sequester yourself away." He knew for a fact Hernan didn't, though the other man's concern for him seemed cursory at best. He was here to serve a purpose, and he was fine doing that. It's part of friendship.

"Turns out my power was not staying dead," he said simply. It was actually more complex than that, but he was not in the right head space to go into the lore of his world about it. "And I didn't suffer the usual effects that I've been told happen in Etraya, so that was good."

[godsandbats]

Kirk still isn’t convinced that he deserve much of anything but that’s something he’ll have to dwell on later. His concerns for Vander don’t ease up.

“What happened the other times you died?” He asks, worried. He has a hard time believing that Vander repeatedly resurrecting from the dead would have no consequences.

[cantilevers]

He shrugged his shoulders, playing nonchalant as he finally gave way when it came to keeping them close together. He stepped away, folding his hands behind his back, aware that Kirk didn't need the burden of his own deaths on top of everything else. The other man was in too bad of a way already.

"Not much to say, I died and then I came back," he reflected simply. "And now I'm back in Etraya, and we have a month to sort ourselves out before we head back on another mission." He glanced over at Kirk. "Hernan seems rather worried about you."

[godsandbats]

At the mention of Hernan, Kirk feels himself growing warm. He doesn’t know what he would’ve done without his… partner. What he does know is he wants to stay by his side for as long as they both want.

“I know,” Kirk admits. “He’s been trying to get me to step out of the tower more often. He cares.”

[cantilevers]

"Did he come and find you after we had our interaction? I know you were attacked," he said softly. He assumed that Hernan had appeared after Clive had stepped in, though that too had not ended particularly well for him.

"I bet. He basically threatened to throw us together," he replied as he crossed his arms over his chest. "He doesn't want you to hide away at least."

[godsandbats]

“He heard the fighting and flew straight towards us. He grabbed me before I could be killed,” Kirk explains.

He doesn’t blame Clive for reacting the way he did. He was caught literally red-handed killing Vander. Kirk then softly huffs. He can imagine Hernan taking a blunt approach to trying to make him feel better.

“He knew I wasn’t going to try to talk to you.”

[cantilevers]

"Ah, I thought that's what I heard happened. I'm glad he was there for you and that you didn't die."

Though he suspected if Kirk had been burned, there came a point where one simply wished to die rather than deal with the agony of it. He was afraid to ask if Kirk truly hit that point or if the other man had managed to regenerate quickly and with Hernan's assistance to keep watch over him.

He hummed in agreement.

"You barely tolerated talking to me when I showed up anyway. This was better than Hernan's way I imagine. Delicacy is not his strong suit."

[godsandbats]

A corner of Kirk’s lip twists in dry amusement at Hernan using delicacy.

“He can be when he wants to be,” Kirk says. “It’s just that most of the time, he can get what he wants by being blunt.”

Few people could stop him so Kirk can see how it’s an easy option for Hernan.

[cantilevers]

"That's because he's used to being able to strong-arm people into situations as he deems fit." He shrugged his shoulders; he liked Hernan and the directness didn't hurt. "I imagine when you're basically indestructible, you're used to pushing people around and getting away with it."

Which was well of the topic of why he had come here, but it was clear that Kirk didn't particularly condone Hernan's actions either. Temper them but not condone.

[godsandbats]

Kirk nods. Virtually indestructible and used to strong arming people was why Project Fair Play was created. Kirk has adapted and learned how to navigate around Hernan’s attitude. They wouldn’t have stayed close for so long otherwise.

“It can be useful,” he says evenly. “Hernan just wants me to be okay.”

[cantilevers]

"I know he does." And that kind of friendship couldn't be looked down upon either. There was a time when he was like that with someone he was close to, the force of nature that made others back off. Protective, strong, even likeable.

"I suspect you will be with enough time and encouragement."

[godsandbats]

“Perhaps,” Kirk says. “I want you to be okay too.”

So many of their conversations have been about taking care of him that Kirk is wondering now if Vander was truly fine, especially after the last mission.

[cantilevers]

"I will be, but last time I checked, I wasn't sequestering myself away. I'm here to help you."

He watched Kirk calmly, aware that the other man needed support or could risk losing more humanity by withdrawing.

[godsandbats]

Kirk uncomfortably fidgets a little in his seat and looks away again.

“I don’t have a good history with humans, even when I was a human,” Kirk sadly retorts, as if he hasn’t already mentioned the history of his previous human relationships. “I don’t see a better solution to this.”

[cantilevers]

"So you'll give up on your genuine connections because of history? Or will you shake it off and move to take back control so you can build with people who value and respect you?" Vander sighed though, aware it was Kirk's choice if the other man wanted to remove association. It was sad.

He wanted to think that Kirk needed time and encouragement, but if the other man associated with all non-humans (and there were plenty) then the divide would grow.

[godsandbats]

Kirk looks back at Vander, still afraid. He cares deeply for the other man and greatly appreciates how much Vander puts up with a creature like him. Maybe Vander’s too stubborn and too tolerant. Try as Kirk might though, part of him still wants companionships like Vander’s.

“I still care a lot about you,” Kirk says, body still tense with anxiety. “But history keeps repeating itself. I don’t want to hurt people like you again. It feels like I’m just taking advantage of your kindness and generosity. Like I’ve done to others before.”

[cantilevers]

He nodded his head slowly, waiting for the 'but' that he knew would come. It did after Kirk tensed, and he wondered how many people believed in cycles or if this just happened to be coincidence that Kirk had to endure these again and again. Maybe there was a lesson in there, but who knew.

"Would it make any difference to you if I wasn't human? Could you hurt a non-human in the same way and not feel bad about it?"

[godsandbats]

"It depends on their abilities but compared to humans, there's less of a chance I would be able to hurt a non-human," Kirk replies. It's part of why he spent so much time with the Justice League as opposed to the rest of society. "I feel safe with my teammates because I know they can stop me if needed."

And another reason why he's attracted to Hernan.

[cantilevers]

He paused, regarding Kirk as his expression closed at one remark in particular. The fingers of his right hand twitched as memory slithered unbidden through him before it was overtaken by a future he had discovered here that he doubted Kirk knew about.

"You've never stated you feel unsafe with me before," he remarked softly, a touch of hurt bleeding into his tone before he turned to the side, rubbing the side of his neck with a hand. "I personally think you're doing yourself a disservice sequestering yourself to non-humans, but... if thst's where you feel safe, that's your choice."

[godsandbats]

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Kirk feels like he's been electrocuted as he realizes what Vander is taking what his comments mean. Kirk didn't mean to do that. God, why was he so damn bad at dealing with people?

"No," he blurts out. His heart is pounding in his ears and his chest further tightens. "That's not what I mean at all. I mean that's how hard it can be trust myself. You've never made me feel unsafe. It's the opposite. You've given me so much comfort and have trusted me so much. It's rare for me to feel that way with someone. That's... That's why we slept with each other. You've become one of the people I'm closest to here. I'm the danger, not you. Please, don't take it another way."

Kirk knows he's rambling and maybe going too fast but now he desperately wants to correct the mistake. He doesn't want to hurt Vander like that. Or at all.

"I'm sorry I'm like this. That's not how you are to me. The problem is me, not you."

[cantilevers]

Vander watched Kirk lightly panic, and he almost went to the other man to try to calm him down. He was reminded of Kirk's fear the first time he had offered blood, concern for the beast or whatever being released because of starvation. He'd known then a risk he was taking, knew it each time he volunteered with Kirk.

"I know what you meant," he replied softly. He had understood the intent clearly, but it hurt that the other man was afraid because Vander wasn't strong enough or had abilities that could stop Kirk. "I appreciate that I've been able to bring comfort and pleasure to your life, Kirk. You often don't give yourself enough credit for the positive impacts that you have on the people around you."

He inclined his head a little at the apology. "Careful now, citing a self-problem is a classic break-up line."

[godsandbats]

Kirk tries to calm down his breathing and trying to get off the panic loop he had inadvertently put himself in. He feels pathetic and now doesn’t want Vander to leave. He doesn’t want their conversation to end like that.

He tries to do a dry laugh at the mention of breaking up.

“No. That’s not what I want either. Not what I’m trying to do,” he says. “It’s just… It’s just that what I had done to you was one of my worst fears coming true. The exact thing I was afraid was going to happen since my change. How am I supposed to act like nothing happened after that?”

[cantilevers]

It had been effort to open Kirk up when in a bad mood, as it always was. He appreciated that the other man had let him in again, and he could tell that perhaps this part of the conversation had startled something in Kirk. Maybe it was just the topic, but he liked to believe that Kirk didn't want him to leave.

He did back off towards the door again in order to not crowd the other man, feeling it might put too much pressure on Kirk. A safe, respectable distance was perhaps what the other man needed to settle again.

"No, it comes across that you're trying to push me away for my own safety," he said simply. "And that you only want to surround yourself with people who have the ability to stop you physically from harm. I understand that, and I respect if you need time apart to sort yourself out too. I just... don't want you to think being alone is the only option for you."