etrayalogs | I like it when the bite marks cut through the skin (Closed)

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I like it when the bite marks cut through the skin (Closed)

WHO: Kirk Langstrom (

cantilevers)
WHEN: Post-Mission 010
WHERE: The Tower of Justice
WHAT: Vander is playing a visit to Kirk who has been in hiding since the mission.
NOTES\WARNINGS: References to biting, exsanguination

Vander arrived at the Tower of Justice a few days after the mission which had seemingly ended disastrously for so many people. He had tried to touch base with those who had been around him to check in on them, and a few had reached back and others had not. Hernan had made indications that Kirk was in a bad way and holed up in the Tower due to psychological and emotional traumas. That was something he could understand himself.

It was clear early on that Kirk would not be willing to make contact with him. His text had gone ignored and Hernan had seemed to take the hard line that it was his position to fix this. He supposed that's what he did, wasn't it?

Like usual, he stepped up to the front door, knocked and waited the cursory few seconds that would allow someone to open the door before he was stepping inside the foyer of the Tower. It looked the same, though the security looked better with more lights on it, but it was currently inactive thanks to Hernan.

He knew the route by heart at this point, so he meandered his down the various huge hallways until he found himself at Kirk's laboratory. It was, as usual, darkened and moody, set for someone with sensitivity to light. He leaned on the door frame and crossed his arms over his chest as he allowed his eyes time to adjust so that he could pick out Kirk in the darkened lab. He knew that Kirk would know he was here; there was no point obfuscating himself and so he didn't bother.

"You're not taking my calls, Lamprey. I'm starting to think that came down with the flu or something. Need me to make you some soup?"

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The last mission was disastrous for Kirk. One of his worst fears came true. He had lost control and killed a dear friend. No, he didn't just kill him but mindlessly tried to rip out Vander's throat and slurped down as much blood as he could like a rabid beast. It just barely stopped short of being a slaughter because someone had interfered and nearly burned Kirk to death. Part of Kirk still thinks Hernan should've left him alone to burn.

Hernan gave Kirk comfort and then some after the rescue but Kirk is still feeling tremendously guilty and self-loathing since returning to Etraya. He purposely ignored Vander's text, knowing the older man wants to check in on him. Kirk feels he doesn't deserve it and doesn't understand why Vander is still bothering with their bond. It's clear Kirk can't be trusted to be with any human. So instead, Kirk buries himself with as much work as possible.

As usual, Kirk smells Vander approaching before hearing or seeing him. He refuses to look away from his computer screen though and instead, keeps his back turned towards Vander. He should've known Vander would try to visit eventually, especially with Hernan thinking Kirk needs to stop being cooped up in his lab again. It's easy enough to assume one had contacted the other in regards to him. How obstinate of both of them.

"What do you want?" Kirk says coldly.

Vander can't be here. Kirk feels he needs to keep him away. He needs to shut down whatever unnecessary sympathy or comfort Vander wants to give him.

His eyes did adjust to the dim light, helped perhaps by the glow from the computer monitor. He was still figuring out how that technology even worked and how to use it himself, and there was still much to learn. This might have been the first time that he was thankful for it as it created a distinct outline of where Kirk was sitting.

The mood in the room was dower and sharp, and he suspected it might be to scare him off from what he had come intending to do. He wondered how many, if any, attempts that Hernan had made to drive Kirk out of this funk already. The other man might be too forceful, but then again, Hernan also knew Kirk better than most people he would measure.

Maybe Hernan just wanted a show.

"To talk mostly," he said simply, honestly. "What with you ignoring my text, I figured you would prefer face-to-face." He knew just be the tone that face-to-face was absolutely opposite of what Kirk wanted. "So here I am. What are you working on?"

He made a point to not enter the room formally, testing out how deep the cold tone went first.

Vander still hasn't stepped into the lab at least but Kirk still doesn't like it that he's here, wanting to give unnecessary and undeserving care. It's not right for a monster like him to receive anything like it after everything he's done.

Kirk's deathly pale skin remains eerie under the dim light. He still has his back turned.

"Working out how to improve my formula," Kirk replies shortly. "There's nothing to talk about."

At this point, he expected he would have to light things up for Kirk to turn around and face him, and he was not here to start anything. He wanted to see the state that the other man was in and assess the damage before he created any reactivity on purpose. For now, this might be as close to peaceful as they would achieve with each other.

"And how is that work going for you? Any new improvements to report?" Vander wouldn't understand even if there were. It was a mode of conversation, nudging to see if Kirk would just engage with him. "There's always something to talk about. The life cycle of mosquitoes, how trains are made, why water tastes different almost everywhere you go. Just to name a few examples."

Kirk nearly scoffs at Vander's retort. A miasma hangs over his emotions. He's unhappy that Vander showed up to the Tower despite what happened. But it's not like he's been very content lately since coming back from the mission anyway. Kirk also doesn't like that he'll need to take a more blunt approach to try to repel Vander. He suppose that's just one more thing to abhor about himself.

He wishes the guilt or the reminders of his monstrous self would just go away.

"No," Kirk replies. "I'm not interested in talking."

Vander could practically see the sad, angry, self-loathing cloud that hung over the room; this was not his first time. He had teenagers after all. Hell, he grew up with Silco of all people, so he was used to having to navigate difficult emotions from others at times and thought he could guess when to give space and when to push in. For now, he was fine lingering at the periphery of Kirk's private space.

He made a noise of acknowledgement that he knew Kirk's enhanced hearing could pick up. "Oh," he added simply. "I'm sure you'll get there. It has been your lifelong project since you were changed. Perhaps some collaboration would light the way."

Though still not facing him, Kirk’s sharp senses tell him that Vander is still linger around. He thinks again about how the man keeps being too damn stubborn for his own good.

“Maybe,” he says dully. “Until that happens, it’s best I keep to myself and away from humans.”

There’s little point in being subtle now.

Most of the ones who had any kind of science background happened to be human, though he knew there were plenty of people around these parts that he hadn't met. Still, at this point, it seemed worthwhile for Kirk to have interactions outside of that computer and whatever form nagging took for Hernan.

"Sounds isolating," he remarked simply. "I don't think that kind of isolation is good for anyone. I'd prefer to keep you company, even if it is in silence."

“Apparently, what you want doesn’t matter in the end,” Kirk says coldly, still refusing to face Vander. “You didn’t want to be bitten and bleed out like a stuck pig but it happened anyway.”

Please just go away, he thinks to himself.

"You wouldn't be the first person to tell me that," he reflected thoughtfully. Normally it was old bosses or thugs or the enforcers, but he'd had a few friends say the same thing though normally in a joking tone. He hummed softly at the vivid description. "You do recall that I volunteered to help you, right? And no, not to the point of dying, but you explained the risks to me."

Vander hadn't entirely believed them up to that moment, he supposed. He had been imparted an important life lesson that day. More than one.

Kirk finally turns around and glares at Vander. Under the dim lights his red eyes seem to almost glow ominously.

“What happened was exactly what I was trying to warn you about,” he says in a still cold tone. “It was idiotic of both of us to take those risks, especially when I have other sources to drain and kill from.”

Kirk feels he should’ve never agreed to their arrangement in the first place.

He considered it a win that he managed to draw Kirk into facing him, even if for a brief moment. He knew the other man had been steadfast in avoiding looking at him, likely to avoid confirming that he was vital and unscarred to the naked eye.

"It wasn't," he said calmly and confidently. "I'd offered earlier in the mission, and you were affected by the anomaly I assume or perhaps being back in a city like that brought you back to your base instincts." He didn't know. Kirk hadn't yet explained it to him, though he was leaving the door open for that.

"This self-loathing isn't productive."

"The anomaly only bought out what what I had tried to bury," Kirk retorts with growing anger. "What I did to you are instincts that I had been fighting against for every second of my life since I mutated. For everyone's sake, it's best I keep away."

Why couldn't Vander understand that much?

He remained steadfast leaning on the door, his posture casual and open. He knew for a fact that despite their size difference that Kirk could cause him serious injury and there was rather little he could do to prevent that. He simply accepted it and regarded the other man.

"Ah," he said simply, letting that sound hang in the air between them. "Have you considered that fighting them is the wrong way to go about this then? Management, release and mitigation might help."

Perhaps they were too early in a conversation to have advice being passed. He simply thought that staying away wasn't good for anyone involved.

"That was one of the reasons for our arrangement, wasn't it?" Kirk says impatiently. "It's why I'm always searching for substitutes and alternative sources."

Kirk knows he's coming as catty. He still wants to scare off Vander, despite still caring about him.

"It was, yes. You needed to feed to stave off the worst of the impulses," he reflected thoughtfully as he watched Kirk steadily. "And it did well for some missions too, didn't it? It seems this last mission derailed that for reasons beyond your control."

He reached up and scratched his fingers against his bearded cheek. "Did you want to kill me?"

Kirk looks away again, shame rising up to his throat again.

"Yes," he replies. "It's why I had pinned you down so tight. I knew you were unlikely to break my grip. It's why I went straight for the carotid. It wasn't like when we had sex. I wanted to kill and have all that warm blood down my throat."

He watched Kirk, though the dimness of the room made it nearly impossible with distance to know what the other man's expression was. His fingers continued to absently scratch lightly at his cheek.

"And do you still want to kill me?"

"No," Kirk replies quietly. "But so long as I'm this monster, there's always that danger of me losing control."

It hurts. He hates it. It's why years after the mutation, he still searching for a cure.

“You’re not a monster, Kirk,” he replied simply. His tone was honest to make it clear that he fully believed what he was saying about the other man. “Believe me, I’ve seen some real monsters in my lifetime and the fact that you fight for control over yourself and are trying to find a way out of this means you’re a man who is doing his best and faltering at times.”

There was a reason that undercity justice existed. They did not play by Piltover rules and true threats were either harnessed or eliminated. That’s the way it was.

“I understand what it’s like to lose control. Instead of isolating yourself, I want you to try to do and be better for me. Work on your serum, work with others that can help, but don’t shut out the world.”

An uncomfortable tension grows in Kirk's chest as Vander keeps trying to reach out to him. He doesn't deserve it.

"You shouldn't be close to me," Kirk retorts, still avoiding eye contact. "Every human near me gets repelled or hurt by me. I've already killed you once. You're alive only because of the mission or because of Etraya. I could wind up killing you again because of another mission."

"Currently there's a measurable distance between us," he pointed out even if he knew that wasn't what Kirk was trying to tell him. He crossed his arms over his chest lightly, as if the barrier of his arms would bring some form of comfort to Kirk.

"Yet, we're in a place that requires collaboration. So, I think that you're going to have to trust that you can control yourself to be with them," he remarked. "I'm willing to help you."

“How can I possibly trust myself after what I’ve done and knowing what I am?” Kirk says, flabbergasted. “How can you still trust me after you saw and felt what did?”

His breathing becomes more shallow as the tension in his chest continues to rise up, suffocating.

“I was always a freak in my hometown. Will became a madman because of me. Tina was killed because of me. I killed Jeremy because he thought we were the same kind of monsters after I killed his father. I can’t be near humans. They get hurt when they’re with me too long.”

Vander stood and listened as Kirk finally let loose even a fraction of some of the self-loathing pain that the other man was labouring under. He waited, expecting the question about him trusting to be rhetorical and Kirk wasn't actually in the mindset to believe him anyway.

Slowly, he stopped leaning on the doorframe and walked into the room to close the distance between them. It may be dangerous, but Kirk's pain drew him like a moth to flame.

"Hey, look at me." Even if Kirk didn't, he wouldn't force the issue. "We can't control how other people see us, react to us and what they do. We can only try to control ourselves," he said softly but firmly. "If you take on their actions on yourself, you'll never escape. It will haunt you like it's doing right now."

He made a point of leaning down to try to be on Kirk's level while the other man was seated. "How your town saw you: that's on them and their bias. Will? He did awful things and that's on him, not you. I can't comment on Jeremy as I don't have enough context. But me? Yeah, you hurt me. You know what you can do about that? Apologize."

When Vander approaches, Kirk looks away. He doesn't push the larger man away though. He's then forced look back at him again when Vander leans. He doesn't want to look but he wants show that his apology is sincere.

"I'm sorry that I hurt you and killed you. I'm sorry I let you get too close to me when I should've known better," Kirk says. "But apologizing isn't enough. I have to be away. I can't hurt more people."

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