etrayalogs | count me in as i do it--closed.

Entry tags:

count me in as i do it--closed.

WHO: Vander and Maria
WHEN: After the mission
WHERE: Their apartment
WHAT: Post mission talk
NOTES\WARNINGS: Discussions of death, murder, and trauma. NSFW.

[Maria had warned Vander that as soon as the mission was over, she would be seeking him out. and that had been before he died from what should have killed her. Vander didn't stand a chance of escaping her if he'd wanted to. the day they were returning, Maria found him and took his hand. squeezing it as tight as she could which probably felt like nothing to the much stronger man but it had to count for something. show him that she truly had no plans of letting him go.

going back, it was tense. not uncomfortable but all Maria wanted to do was be with him. hold him close and kiss him and tell him she loved him. the vision of his death, his last words, still kept playing in her mind. Vander coming back, soaked with blood, was not a sight she ever wanted to see again. but they had to behave. they had to talk about things, about them, and there was a lot to do. a lot to discuss. though the only word in her mind was his name, home, and how much she loved him.

Maria feels like she's basically jogging to get back to their apartment as soon as they land in Etraya. she doesn't want to talk to anybody else right now or see anybody. maybe it's selfish of her but she's held back so much when it comes to Vander, she's tired of doing it. after that mission, Maria doesn't plan to behave. Vander doesn't need her to behave anyway. he needs to know she's there for him, be held, and know just how much she understands him.

when they are back at their apartment, Maria is opening the door as quickly as she can and trying to pull him inside. her arms wrap around him and her head rests itself against his chest.]

I don't want to leave the apartment for a couple of days at least. Is that okay? I just don't want to lose sight of you.

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[Maria had come close to telling him she was beginning to question her feelings for him before Solmara. and maybe that had been one of the reasons she'd asked him to define their boundaries again— a way to remind herself of what Vander was looking for and what she needed to keep. and when he'd returned from Solmara, she'd noted a difference. the way he'd talked to her, him telling her he may never ask her to leave. but she'd reminded herself that not even a month prior he'd told her the boundaries they'd placed from the beginning.

funny how a couple of months later, here they were. dating and looking back on these times. much like Vander, Maria did want to be better. she would.

and it was why she wasn't purposely trying to avoid the question but she didn't know how much of this was Vander earnestly wanting to know more about her situation or if he was doing what he did best: turn a situation into the other person. easier to focus on caring for someone else than to accept it for yourself. though one could argue she was doing just that to him by not answering the question.

maybe they did both have work to do.

she lies on top of him and nods.] Guess you didn't really want to be little spoon, hm? [she was teasing him but then moves her head so her ear can be over Vander's chest where his heart was. so she could hear it. her eyes close and she decides to answer his question. it's possibly a way of showing him she was going to talk more and so he should as well.]

About your question. I haven't told anybody else this, I'd promised James when he was here that I would keep it to myself but...James isn't here, is he? You and I are. I told you Mary died but she didn't die from being sick, Vander. James killed her.

[Vander knew her tactics because they mirrored his own when it came to dodging providing personal information. He would say that she was actually more skilled at it than even he was, and he wondered if it was a survival instinct for her or maybe even instilled in her upon her creation. Maybe that James guy hadn't wanted a woman's problems but instead could only focus on himself.

Who knew. All he knew was that this wasn't the time or place to push her if she didn't wish to share information with him. He was, instead, happy that she was here with him. She was joining him on the bed, sliding into that spot on top of him like a safety blanket in female form, and he sighed from his nose in pleasure. He made no effort to pull the blanket over them, though he did raise one leg.]

You can be little spoon when the lights are out. You know I like it when you hold me. [He smiled at her, his expression etched with fondness as her ear went to his heart. He slid an arm around her shoulders to hold her.] I want to look at your beautiful face while we talk, okay? Plus, this position means I can still kiss you.

[He hummed as she began to talk, acknowledging his appreciation to her addressing his question regardless of the answer. Yet, he stilled at the information that she provided about where she had come from. The man that killed Maria in that scene he had observed in Aphaia also killed the dying wife?]

That one has a way with women that I can't say I like. [He shook his head against the bedding.] Why would he do that to her? You said she was sick already.

[if you asked Maria, she wouldn't be able to say why she behaved the way she did. surely part of it is because she couldn't be a problem. James wanted somebody easy and with no problems. the only time she could cry was if it meant to make him feel like a hero. but if she truly expected him to help her then he would have found her a nuisance.

and she had treated Vander like that because Vander had clearly needed some easiness in his life. though she had been wrong with how she'd treated Vander like he was a similar man, like she had said. that Vander would have thought her friendship wasn't worth it if she showed any problems. it was why he had deserved an apology.

it was why she was trying to open up to him. how could she expect Vander to open to her fully and honestly if she couldn't return the same thing to him? he wanted her to trust him, and she did, and she would show him that she did. Maria hadn't told anybody what James had done. partly because she had promised James and partly because it wasn't something Maria liked to think about herself.]

You flatterer. [it's murmured at his compliment and when she does fully confess to what James did and she does look at him when she explains.]

When he killed her, she didn't have much time left. And I don't think James knows why he did either. I know I don't know why he did it. But when she was in bed, sleeping, he took a pillow and he smothered her. [her eyes look off to the side when she says that part and then back to Vander's face.] James has given a lot of excuses. He's said he wanted her suffering to end, he's said that he hated her and wanted it all to end, he's said a lot of things. I think part of why he's there in Silent Hill is to know why he did it. But none of it really makes it better, huh? Mary's last moments were knowing the man she loved was killing her, betraying her.

[and so it comes full circle. to understand where Vander was coming from, though it was different. Maria wasn't Mary though this woman's feelings had helped to create her. Mary's pain was fresh in Maria as well. while a dying woman being killed by her husband is different, it's still betrayal from a trusted person.]

[Maybe they had found each other at the right time in their lives, her slowly shaking off the oppression of where she had come from, and he labouring under the traumas of his own experiences. They had found an easy support in each other that had grown the more times they came in contact with each other.

Look at them now? Once again, the trauma of a mission had brought them together, forced them to be open with one another. He was learning more about her and her knowledge than ever before, and he was aware that this had to be a closely guarded secret. As unfortunate at the information was, it was actually not as uncommon was one might think so he felt sympathy that she had to know this and hold it close to her heart.

There seemed like there could be a wide variety of reason that anyone would do that to someone that they claimed to love. He was reminded of his own attempt on a loved one's life, and their escape had not be intended. How that must have felt for her, sick and dying and knowing that betrayal. It was unforgiveable.]

She must have been so frightened and so betrayed. [He lifted a hand to stroke his fingers through Maria's hair.] So he's being punished to learn the truth of what he did, and yet... you're also stuck there with him before you arrived here? It sounds like you're being punished along with him.

[Etraya was the best place for her when compared to this Silent Hill town. Perhaps Vincent was accurate: she was a gift.]

That's a burden for you holding onto that information about her. Thank you for trusting me with it.

[Maria had told Ernest she didn't believe in fate and Maria still wouldn't say she did. fate had nothing to do with her meeting Vander but it didn't make it any less meaningful. everything they went through together had been so significant that Maria didn't care what they called it. all she knew was he meant the world to her. they were there for each other, able to relate to things that not many else could.

Vander was special to her and she knew she'd always cherish him and their time together.

part of her existence had been to help and she could help Vander. she liked knowing they could offer this to each other. that she knew she could be somebody he could rely on and now she knew she could see he was that for her as well. that they could build something this strong.

there's a shrug.] He does feel remorse. To say James doesn't regret what he did would be a lie. [she could say that much about him. it was simply the fact that didn't make it better, did it? an innocent person had still lost their life and the reasoning of that would never change that.] He's being punished because he feels like he has to be. I'm part of that. Part of the point of me is that I die, too. You saw one of my deaths but it happens to me again and again even before James does it to me. I'm only ever alive for a few hours at most if I'm lucky.

[her hand goes to his face, to put it on his cheek.] So I'm sorry, Vander. I'm sorry you have to know that now. [they had a lot in common but it had never been this until now. if she had known it was going to happen then Maria would have fought harder to keep him with her.]

[He had wanted to protect her, honestly. He knew that there was danger for her from the people of his world, but they were beyond that now. A part of him regretted not telling her his feelings sooner, especially knowing what he did now about her own. He already was putting that aside though so that he could enjoy the time that they had now and making something special with their feelings.

He also experienced a conflicted set of emotions at her opening up to him. On one hand, he was peaking into her world and experiences and the truths she had to live, but on the other, it felt so private and bleak. He just wanted to hug her close and kiss her; he also wanted to meet this Mary and protect her too.]

Yet, he denied you being real. He had no thoughts for your feelings even when I met him. [Yet, his fingers paused stroking her back at the admittance, and his grey eyes shifted sharply to regard her.] Maria, you... [Suddenly he threw his arms around her and wrapped his legs around her, hugging her to him and kissing her temple as he came to understand some of the burden of her life, another fact that they now shared.] You don't deserve that fate. How do you not fall to pieces all over the place? You're the strongest woman that I know, Maria.

[He leaned into her touch then moved to pepper her face with kisses.] No, no, never apologize to me about such things. I appreciate you opening up and trusting me with this. I don't... feel so alone with these feelings anymore.

[Vander reminds her of James's short visit here. James had been shocked to see her and very quickly had cared far more about Heather's apparent dislike of him than the fact that Maria had a life here, friends and people who cared about her. no, James only ever cared about his own situation. that's all he had ever cared about.

there are things she could say about James but Vander is all over her next. Maria is taken aback. she shouldn't be because of course Vander would react to her struggles like this. but it's so intense and she thinks that might make her more emotional than anything else.]

You know as well as I do that you can't let the hard things keep you back. You have to keep going because what else can you do? [Maria had had no choice. she would have simply died if she didn't and Maria had wanted to live, truly be free for once.

and she had that here.] Besides I know I have people who will help me. I'm luckier here and I look at that positive.

[she tried to match the frenzy of his kisses, trying to catch his lips here and there.]

But I am here for you. I mean that. I want you to talk to me too...when you're ready. Even if you just want to use me as your personal stuffed animal then we can do it.

[He hadn't spent much time with James, but the singular meeting was one where he had stepped in when Maria was becoming upset. He had made a point of shielding her from this man but also wanted to know more about him. What he found was a distinctly unlikable selfish little man, the kind that the undercity would put in a trash can at least once daily.

Still, he knew he should temper his own reaction to the news, but his heart went out to her. She had lived and died for someone who had cared so little about her. He wanted so badly for her to know she was supported, that he would love and care for her as the other guy wouldn't or couldn't.]

I know, but if you ever just need a break to fall apart before you put yourself back together and carry on, I'm here for you. Alternatively, if you want to do it alone, I'll guard the door so no one can interrupt you. [He couldn't fix her problems, and he wouldn't do that to her because he knew she was strong. However, he could support her through these processes the same as she did for him.]

You've surrounded yourself with a good and supportive group of people. You are the most real and down to earth person I have met in a long time. [He was still kissing her, trying to overwhelm her attempts to keep up before he settled in and calmed himself again. He loosened his legs at least too.]

I know and I appreciate that. We support each other, and that's what makes this so special to me.

[without James, she wouldn't be here. it was thanks to James she suffered but it was because of James she could exist. that she had come to Etraya and met people here that meant the world to her.

and Maria would never say the suffering was worth anything to have met these people. no. suffering was always pointless if you asked her and she wouldn't ask to repeat it. ever. but every time she had felt sad, she had reminded herself that those times were in the past. after all, here was Vander now. kissing her, comforting her, and telling her he loved her. all in their own place. it made Maria happy.

his comment did make her laugh, though.] Am I? You saw me try to kill a guy for rejecting me. It was one of the first things you ever learned about me. [though wasn't that complicated? Maria knew it was but for the sake of a simple and easy joke, they could handle that.

her lips found his as she kissed him softly.]

But you, my dear, are very thoughtful. Always looking out for the little guy and trying to do what you can. I know that this isn't easy, what you had to face back in that mission, but know you didn't deserve it. [her forehead went to his, her nose pressing to his.] But I'll always work hard to give you what you do deserve.

[He made a noise of contrary at her, gazing at her fondly.] No learned you had compassion and were nonjudgmental first and foremost. [Their first meeting when he was puking and she took her time to buoy him out of misery briefly.] Then I learned you had a cough, and you were willing to lean on a stranger to repay a similar comfort to you that you had shown previously.

[He pulled her in against him closer, letting the weight of his words hang in the air as he gazed at her fondly. His fingers tucked some of her two-tone hair behind her ear.] Then I learned you liked breakfast food, and that you were an experienced playful lover. And you liked to top. [Knowledge he still benefited from to this very day.

He leaned in to kiss her sweetly on the lips.] Then I learned you died after being rejected by the man who put your through hell and was your one reprieve to exist. [His fingers stroked over her jaw and cupped her neck.] And I learned that even when you suffered, you were willing to offer comfort to someone else in a bad spot, even if the bed was way too small for us both. [A little joke to cap off some of their journey together.]

It seems you and I are both doing that, but thank you. You've become my rock during the hard times. [He wasn't afraid to admit that, though perhaps in the past he had held back on such an overt admittance.]

[as Vander talks, about the things he discovered about her and the journey they've had, Maria feels herself smiling more and more. it may just be goofy by the time he's done. even with the amount of serious discussion tossed in.]

We have seen a lot with each other, haven't we?

[they'd really built something great here together. when they had first met, Maria knew she'd found a friend in Vander. everything else had been a pleasant surprise. but she knew that they were going to be okay.

she kisses his cheek and then his lips softly.]

No matter how hard it gets, I'm not giving up on you or us. I can't imagine a world without you now. So that means I'm always going to be here to listen to you, to distract you, or whatever else it is you need from me.

[Her smile was contagious and he returned it warmly as his fingers stroked through her hair near her temple. He liked laying around in bed with her, now more than ever. He realized it was the first time they had done so as an official 'couple' and it warmed him.]

We have, yeah. I mean... you did move in after our second date.

[He teased her, even if he was as guilty as she when it came to discussing that point back in the day. He had simply welcomed her and appreciated her warm presence in the apartment. Things had always seemed brighter with her in it.

He kissed her back and watched fondly.]

I appreciate that tenacity, Maria. The same holds true for me. Now... it's been a long time since I was in a relationship, so you might have to smack me if I say or do something dumb, okay?

[it felt good to be this close to him and she grabbed his hand that was stroking through her hair to kiss the knuckles.]

I'm telling you, it was that bath. Drew me right in. Hard to go back to your own place after something like that. [she had told him before Solmara she stayed because of him and they both knew it. even Vander had told her he had enjoyed Maria living with him. but they could joke about this now after all.]

Well, my last relationship wasn't one at all and before that, all I had was Mary and James. You'll be fine. [though it did make her realize they'd never really ever discussed romance. not surprising. after all, it'd been made a point that Vander wasn't interested in romance so why discuss it? even past romances.]

How long has it been for you, though?

[He snorted a sound of amusement and made a point to playfully roll his eyes at her claim that she had stayed for the bath. It was impressive, enough that even he adventured into it now and again.]

It is basically a swimming pool for you, so I can understand. Between the massive bath and the bed you can be lost in, I can see why you stayed. [It was a running joke between them, and he had no reason to let it die now. They had settled in too easily with each other for it be just the bath and bed.] Next you're going to claim it was all that available closet space....

[He blinked as he also realized they had never touched on passed relationships before. He felt the door opening to providing details about each other's lives that likely should have been shared some time ago just in casual conversation.] And Mary and James appear to have been a relationship that descended into complete dysfunction. They had to have loved each other at one point.

[He traced the curves of her ear with a finger as he thought.] So, I'm going to be a lot of firsts for you. No pressure, right? [He passed it off as a joke, but he did feel nerves to that idea. Had he been good to her so far?]

Ah, my last long-term relationship was almost seven years ago. [He looked away, examining the bed spread like it was the most interesting fabric in the world.] ...he's here in Etraya.

Moving into your place did give me more reason to get more clothes. Even if your shirts did a good enough job for sleeping. [they had always done this, hadn't they? come up with some excuse for everything they did. it seemed like a joke. just like the contest they'd started to see who got a hobby first just so they had some reason to spend more time together. a barely there story that they both knew had a flimsy cover.

there was a running theme for them, it seemed...]

Vander, I was happy just going to that diner with you and talking for our first date. Like you're ever going to disappoint me. As long as it's you here with me, I'm going to be happy. [they'd run into problems because that was just how it was to be two individuals in any kind of relationship. they had already run into miscommunication, hadn't they? but they had worked through it. Maria didn't doubt they could work out any issues they did run into.

at first she doesn't think much about Vander's last serious relationship being seven years ago. he'd had kids and those took a lot of your focus. but then the way he acts. like he doesn't want to look anywhere else and this is a hard conversation isn't it? and she's proven right when he tells her the ex is here. a few thoughts run through her mind. did she know this guy? had Vander been sleeping with him? did she sleep with him? for a moment too long, she stays quiet and knows she has to say something.] Oh. [she needs to say more than that.] That's awkward. [Maria tries to pass it off as a joke but it's just a little too awkward to be funny, she thinks.] Are you...okay?

I'm aware. I have two drawers in the dresser and a tiny portion of the closet, yet both are still full and it's not my things. [He huffed softly, recalling the first time she had swam in one of his shirts. The neck line slipped off one shoulder and by Janna, that had been a treat he hadn't thought that he would see again.] You look good in and out of your clothing and my shirts.

[There need for a cover excuse to ensure they saw each other again was part of the charms of their relationship. It told him she had been equally smitten with him as he had been with her, but neither of them was willing to take a big immediate step yet still wanted to ensure that they would make the time to see and chat with each other.]

Oh, I know. You're easy to please honestly, but I want you to know that I want you to feel special when you're with me. Our relationship is something we can both be happy in. I want to fight for you, fight for us. [He knew just enough about the history of James and Mary to understand that he felt the need to assure her that he would fight for and enjoy their relationship. There would be ups and downs as there always were in relationships, and he felt he was better prepared to tackle that now than he was seven years ago or even six months ago.]

[He rubbed a hand against his bearded cheek, stroking the hairs back into place after scratching at them. He could hear it in her voice the surprise that he had been holding on this for so long, that he had kept things from her. He had done so to protect her, though he hoped she wouldn't see that as subterfuge on his part.] Yeah, just a little. We were together a long time, and it was a pretty catastrophic break-down in the relationship. If you ever met an real surly angry skinny guy with black sclera and orange distorted iris... that's him. Silco.

Edited 2025-10-06 02:54 (UTC)

If I didn't know better, I'd think you were complaining. But you like my outfits too much to do that. [if Vander wanted more space then he could get it. they both knew that. besides some of the clothing she'd bought was because she knew it was something Vander liked.] But if you only want me in your clothing, or nothing at all, say no less. Think I might get some complaints when I'm out of the apartment if I don't have anything on.

[Vander was thoughtful of her, as he always was. Maria kissed his cheek as he finished speaking and nuzzled her nose along his jaw.] I've always felt that way with you. I knew that you valued me, valued our time together. How couldn't I feel special knowing I had a friend like you? [Vander had always been one of the people she wanted to spend time with most of all. even if all they did was talk, she found their time together special. their friendship had clearly been important to the both of them and Maria murmurs in his ear.] I just hope you know how I'll fight for you and for us. How I won't ever give up on you. [if she was anything, she was loyal. Maria wouldn't give up on Vander so easily and even if their romance didn't work out, she would hold onto their relationship.

even as he let her know about this. she's about to ask him why he didn't tell her, and she still wants to know, until she realizes she knows the man she's talking about.] Wait, I met him. Just once and I always meant to check back in with him...the guy who looks like he's about to sell your kidneys on the black market. [he'd so clearly played a role and Maria had wondered how much of him had been genuine, how much he wanted people to infer about him. much like her.] That was your ex...? [and how he'd talked about a man he hated being here. it was a small, small little world they had here and all she can assume is...] Were you the one he hated? [a loaded question, she knows, and she rises up a little to look him in the eye.] We, uh, talked a bit about betrayal...though he never named names...

Edited 2025-10-11 20:57 (UTC)

You know I'm not much for complaining. Besides, all the nice colours in the closet are nice. [He admired how much Maria managed to buy and wear, especially in comparison to him that tended to wear the same style and colour each and every day. That's the way of the undercity.] Maybe we shouldn't be aiming for public nudity? Though if you want to hang around the apartment in nothing or just one of my shirts, you will hear no complaints from me.

[He actually smiled brightly at her acknowledging what he had hoped to convey with his interactions with her and anyone he met up with. They had his attention, and they deserved to feel seen and heard. Cherishing Maria was easy for him.] Honestly, you made it easy to value you because of how beautiful you've been the whole time I've known you. [He reached out and stroked his fingers through her hair, curling the pink tips around his second digit and admiring it as they lay together in the bed.] I appreciate that. This is worth fighting for, you know. Even if Etraya ends tomorrow, I'm so happy that I met you.

[He managed a little nonchalant shrug at her having met Silco; it was not a surprise to him because Maria was a social butterfly. It was one of the reasons he kept their interactions private; he didn't want Silco to lash out at her.] Yeah, that would be him. He's mastered that bearing in his mid-twenties, and I can't be sure he hasn't sold someone's kidneys before. [However, some of that was just a front, a protective persona to keep Silco in control. The other man was a boiling pot ready to overflow whenever he was involved.] Yeah, I am the one he hated. The facial scarring is my fault, and I'm his betrayer. We had a catastrophic fall out. [He sounded disquiet, somber, aware of his own failings that day.] He facilitated the death of my boys. I know he will try to take anything good from me for what happened between us.

Might do you some good if you did complain more. [Maria was still of the opinion Vander bottled too much up. that he didn't let things out enough and he needed to do that. but they'd talked about that enough this night.

and it was hard to think of complaints at all when Vander talked so sweetly. when he told her how he felt and she moved to kiss his lips softly.] I'd never say any suffering is worth much but I can't say I have as many regrets knowing everything we have done has brought us to each other. [of course there would always be regrets. Maria was sure that Vander would have his share.

especially as he shared about Silco. when they had talked, Maria had regained her memories of the cycle that James had sacrificed her to bring Mary back. she had remembered the anger she'd felt back then, the betrayal that he had been so quick to kill her to bring the woman he had killed back. speaking with Silco had been something of a comfort because he'd understood her anger. and it is only a glimpse but if it had left Silco with scars, well, it certainly had been an awful break-up. Silco had called it a betrayal and Vander didn't deny that word.

but when Vander says what Silco did, her expression turns from confusion and trying to understand to offense.] Your sons died because of...? [this had happened before they'd gotten to Etraya. Silco had talked like he still did not have enough vengeance from what had happened to him. was there no regret that children had died in the path of this desire for revenge?] I thought I could understand his anger but to bring your children into it...that's too much. What lunatic hurts children?

Edited 2025-10-12 23:48 (UTC)

Complaining for the sake of complaining is out of the question. I'd rather have a positive attitude. [Though he could see her point when it came to his normal behaviours. He did not vent much even now, though he tried to be truthful about his feelings especially with her.] Right? Everything we've endured back home and here lead to us meeting and bring brought together. I won't have regrets about that.

[That wasn't to say that he didn't have regrets. There were many, including the topic of conversation right now. When he told Maria that there was something dark inside him, he hadn't been willing to try to articulate what that was. That night he had lost control of it and Silco had suffered; he had thought both of them would die and join Felicia that night but no, both of them lived on scarred and broken differently.

He closed his eyes at her question, not enjoying the pain that surfaced at talking about this.] He could have killed me and been done with it, but he wanted to make a point so... he tortured me and waited for my kids to show up on some rescue scheme. If he had just killed me, they wouldn't have had reason to stay and when the explosion happened, they wouldn't have been caught in it. [That's how he saw it anyway. He knew there was more to it, that Silco wanted him angry, wanted to pull out what had faded.

He looked at her sadly and stroked his fingers down her neck.] I... it's a common story where I'm from. Children are exploited and hurt all the time. They are press-ganged into service all over the place. Idle hands and all that...

[back in Silent Hill, Maria had never had much time to complain. not when she'd had James to try to seduce in a very short timeline. though there were times when she would wake up, realize the cycle had begun again, and she'd screamed and screamed. it had been good to get that out.

not so much complaining as it was not letting things staying bottled up. keeping it all inside resulted in James Sunderland and Mary's tragedy.

Vander? well. there were still a lot of details about his tragedy that she had to learn. Maria was learning part of it now. initially Maria had wished Vander had told her about Silco's existence sooner but now knowing what she did? no, it was good she hadn't. if Maria had realized just who that man had been when she'd met him? well, it would be a much different story.

Maria understands far more now why Vander feels so responsible. even without the Silco of it all, he was going to feel his children's deaths like weights. as a father, he would have questioned what he could have done differently. but adding Silco into it? that this had been about Vander? Maria couldn't begin to imagine the intense grief Vander must have felt.]

That bastard spoke like a victim. [to Maria, no matter what Vander had done to hurt Silco didn't matter much in the wake of what Silco had done. involving children? there was no excusing that.] People hurt and use children in my world as well but we call those people monsters. That's what he is. A disgusting monster. I can't believe I felt sympathy for him, that I thought I could understand him. I didn't know it was you he was talking about but I told him I hoped for his vengeance. I'm sorry.

[He appreciated Maria's reaction, that she was so affronted when for many who would hear the tale, it was the cost of doing business and the price of a vengeance owed after his own actions of the past. Certainly, it had been pushed at him by his own people on more than one occasion, and while he didn't believe it for a second that any of his children deserved that fate, it still stung each time.

Silco was right about him being chained by Piltover, by the deal he had made. At the time, it had felt like the only choice. Even now, recalling where he had been sitting, the state that he had been in, he wasn't certain he would make a different decision. It was a complicated situation, but he didn't deny he played a part and he would shoulder the memory of their final moments. Triumph turned to tragedy.

He bowed his head enough that his forehead touched hers.] Maria, thank you. It's... a complicated situation, though I question if I can call those final decisions with any particular nuance. [And he knew that when one rose high enough in the Undercity, exploitation was how wealth was generated.] Well, he did get his vengeance, part of it anyway. He won't be satisfied until he has brought me to heel and unearthed the person who did that to him and exposed that to the world to turn their backs on me.

[He sighed heavily, rolling from his side to his back so he could stare at the ceiling. This was not a topic for a post-mission date was it?] When I told you in Aphaia that there was something dark in me, that's what I'm talking about. It's all tightly wound these days but... I'm scared to become that person again.

[that was the thing about complicated situations. sometimes they drew complicated actions out. Maria had done plenty, said plenty, in her own situation. she had lost track the amount of times she had tried to make James relapse on his drinking addiction just so he would never leave Heaven's Night and she wouldn't have to deal with another painful death. and didn't that make her just sound awful?

so what Vander did in his own difficult situation could hardly be judged, if you asked Maria. certainly not by her.

Maria watched him move and she didn't know if he wanted his space. she didn't move to be too close to him again, especially since this was hard topic. perhaps not a date topic but it was a fitting topic for them to cover. they wanted to be serious and if that was their wish then they had to talk about things like this. her hand did go to his arm to squeeze.]

Are you afraid that what he saw, what he wants vengeance against, is still in you?

[Maria didn't doubt the sincerity of Silco's anger. that had been real. even Vander was not claiming to be innocent. it seemed to both of them that Vander had wronged the other man. and that was possible. Maria just didn't think it excused hurting children to get to the man. there had to be boundaries somewhere and Maria didn't care what Vander did. nothing excused what Silco did.]

[One hand remained on his stomach as he stared up at the ceiling, yet his other hand closest to Maria crept out to find her leg to make it clear that his new position was not a rejection of closeness. He wasn't certain he could look her in the face without that old shame welling up inside of him.

He felt her hand on his arm, and it drew him to turning his head to regard her next to him on the bed. This felt different, opening up like this where there wasn't the usual teasing to derail the conversation. They were pushing into it, a seriousness to pair with their light-hearted fun. Maybe it was the blues from the mission where he had died.

He chewed his lower lip at her question as he lifted his hand from his belly to push through his long hair, pulling it from the back of his neck.] I know it is. When I saw myself as that beast, that's all it was. It was purified, and I... can't be that man again, but I still could slip to be him with the right motivation.

[And Silco knew that. That's what the other man was after, to bring him down and destroy him not by dealing the killing blow but by exposing that man who he had once been. The man that Silco had put to work as they took the underground together as young men. Silco wanted him to be a monster, and Vander was afraid it was truth.]

I'll never be innocent, and I accept what I did back then. There's a lot of blame that falls on my shoulders, but my concern is shrugging it off and just not caring about that anymore. I want to be a better man.

[Maria listens and knows it's important that she does. that she understands where Vander is coming from, how he feels. she had opened up to him and he had listened. this was what she wanted to return to him.

the hand on his arm moves to the hand on her leg to cover him there. her fingers squeeze his hand and she nods.]

We can't be all good and you know that. You weren't an innocent man then and you aren't one now. I'm not an innocent woman either. You did something that Silco can't forgive you for and maybe you don't deserve that. Maybe that is true.

But all we can do is be better people. You tried. For your children and for the people who depended on you. Maybe that beast is part of the bad things but you didn't bring that out. Others did. And against your will. There is always going to be motivation to do anything, good or bad. It's about the decision you make and you're making that decision right now. You don't want to continue that.

[and he was making the choice to be better. do better. not to simply sit here and feel sorry for himself. or to try to punish himself like James had. Maria doesn't doubt he has done bad things but she doubts this is all there is to him at this point.

her fingers squeeze his once more.]

You know what I see when I look at you? A man. A man who is trying his best and doing what he can, a man who hurts from his mistakes, and a man that wants to do better. But you're just a man. One I love and I think you're incredible but I am a bit biased. [she has to make this a little lighthearted. it was their way.]

This is just who you are. All of these parts make you who you are but it doesn't mean you're fully one thing or the other.

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cw: child exploitation mentions

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