I like it when the bite marks cut through the skin (Closed)

[cantilevers]

WHO: Kirk Langstrom (godsandbats) & Vander (cantilevers)
WHEN: Post-Mission 010
WHERE: The Tower of Justice
WHAT: Vander is playing a visit to Kirk who has been in hiding since the mission.
NOTES\WARNINGS: References to biting, exsanguination


Vander arrived at the Tower of Justice a few days after the mission which had seemingly ended disastrously for so many people. He had tried to touch base with those who had been around him to check in on them, and a few had reached back and others had not. Hernan had made indications that Kirk was in a bad way and holed up in the Tower due to psychological and emotional traumas. That was something he could understand himself.

It was clear early on that Kirk would not be willing to make contact with him. His text had gone ignored and Hernan had seemed to take the hard line that it was his position to fix this. He supposed that's what he did, wasn't it?

Like usual, he stepped up to the front door, knocked and waited the cursory few seconds that would allow someone to open the door before he was stepping inside the foyer of the Tower. It looked the same, though the security looked better with more lights on it, but it was currently inactive thanks to Hernan.

He knew the route by heart at this point, so he meandered his down the various huge hallways until he found himself at Kirk's laboratory. It was, as usual, darkened and moody, set for someone with sensitivity to light. He leaned on the door frame and crossed his arms over his chest as he allowed his eyes time to adjust so that he could pick out Kirk in the darkened lab. He knew that Kirk would know he was here; there was no point obfuscating himself and so he didn't bother.

"You're not taking my calls, Lamprey. I'm starting to think that came down with the flu or something. Need me to make you some soup?"

Comments

[godsandbats]

Kirk looks away again, shame rising up to his throat again.

"Yes," he replies. "It's why I had pinned you down so tight. I knew you were unlikely to break my grip. It's why I went straight for the carotid. It wasn't like when we had sex. I wanted to kill and have all that warm blood down my throat."

[cantilevers]

He watched Kirk, though the dimness of the room made it nearly impossible with distance to know what the other man's expression was. His fingers continued to absently scratch lightly at his cheek.

"And do you still want to kill me?"

[godsandbats]

"No," Kirk replies quietly. "But so long as I'm this monster, there's always that danger of me losing control."

It hurts. He hates it. It's why years after the mutation, he still searching for a cure.

[cantilevers]

“You’re not a monster, Kirk,” he replied simply. His tone was honest to make it clear that he fully believed what he was saying about the other man. “Believe me, I’ve seen some real monsters in my lifetime and the fact that you fight for control over yourself and are trying to find a way out of this means you’re a man who is doing his best and faltering at times.”

There was a reason that undercity justice existed. They did not play by Piltover rules and true threats were either harnessed or eliminated. That’s the way it was.

“I understand what it’s like to lose control. Instead of isolating yourself, I want you to try to do and be better for me. Work on your serum, work with others that can help, but don’t shut out the world.”

[godsandbats]

An uncomfortable tension grows in Kirk's chest as Vander keeps trying to reach out to him. He doesn't deserve it.

"You shouldn't be close to me," Kirk retorts, still avoiding eye contact. "Every human near me gets repelled or hurt by me. I've already killed you once. You're alive only because of the mission or because of Etraya. I could wind up killing you again because of another mission."

[cantilevers]

"Currently there's a measurable distance between us," he pointed out even if he knew that wasn't what Kirk was trying to tell him. He crossed his arms over his chest lightly, as if the barrier of his arms would bring some form of comfort to Kirk.

"Yet, we're in a place that requires collaboration. So, I think that you're going to have to trust that you can control yourself to be with them," he remarked. "I'm willing to help you."

[godsandbats]

“How can I possibly trust myself after what I’ve done and knowing what I am?” Kirk says, flabbergasted. “How can you still trust me after you saw and felt what did?”

His breathing becomes more shallow as the tension in his chest continues to rise up, suffocating.

“I was always a freak in my hometown. Will became a madman because of me. Tina was killed because of me. I killed Jeremy because he thought we were the same kind of monsters after I killed his father. I can’t be near humans. They get hurt when they’re with me too long.”

[cantilevers]

Vander stood and listened as Kirk finally let loose even a fraction of some of the self-loathing pain that the other man was labouring under. He waited, expecting the question about him trusting to be rhetorical and Kirk wasn't actually in the mindset to believe him anyway.

Slowly, he stopped leaning on the doorframe and walked into the room to close the distance between them. It may be dangerous, but Kirk's pain drew him like a moth to flame.

"Hey, look at me." Even if Kirk didn't, he wouldn't force the issue. "We can't control how other people see us, react to us and what they do. We can only try to control ourselves," he said softly but firmly. "If you take on their actions on yourself, you'll never escape. It will haunt you like it's doing right now."

He made a point of leaning down to try to be on Kirk's level while the other man was seated. "How your town saw you: that's on them and their bias. Will? He did awful things and that's on him, not you. I can't comment on Jeremy as I don't have enough context. But me? Yeah, you hurt me. You know what you can do about that? Apologize."

[godsandbats]

When Vander approaches, Kirk looks away. He doesn't push the larger man away though. He's then forced look back at him again when Vander leans. He doesn't want to look but he wants show that his apology is sincere.

"I'm sorry that I hurt you and killed you. I'm sorry I let you get too close to me when I should've known better," Kirk says. "But apologizing isn't enough. I have to be away. I can't hurt more people."

[cantilevers]

He hummed softly at the spiraling that was the apology, and he made a point to slowly lift his hand so that Kirk could observe the movements and decide to move away from him. If allowed, he moved to gently set it upon the other man's shoulder.

"I forgive you for hurting me," he replied softly. "If you're committed to not hurting more people, all your friends will come together and help hold you accountable. You can work on holding yourself in check with our assistance." He managed a little smile, though it didn't reach his grey eyes. "If that's what you want, that is."

[godsandbats]

Kirk's body stiffens feeling Vander's hand on his shoulder but he doesn't knock it aside for now.

"I can say I'm committed all I want but my control could still slip," he says. "It's not enough now. How can you forgive me after what I did? Why are you still bothering with someone like me?"

It's becoming more baffling than why Hernan remains friends with him.

[cantilevers]

He offered a light squeeze of support, expecting that it would be a hard road for Kirk. It was the kind of road that was best traveled with trusted people, those that could call out and bring Kirk back to himself before control slipped away. There were also those that would allow Kirk to push the boundaries slowly and safely.

“To what benefit would it be to me to not forgive you?” They were friends. Kirk had seen him high out of his mind on Shimmer and hadn’t judged him. They had built a bond beyond that day thereafter. “I think you’re doing yourself a disservice by not allowing mistakes to happen and learning from it. And frankly, you’re taking the wrong lesson away from what happened.”

However, it wasn’t for him to tell Kirk what to do. His role was to support where he could, if Kirk allowed him to.

[godsandbats]

Kirk remains tense when Vander squeezes. There's a growing frustration in Kirk as part of him still wants Vander's support and touch while another part of him wants more distance again. So he remains frozen where he is.

"And you keep downplaying and not seriously considering the consequences," he retorts in an almost snappish tone. "Being late for an appointment or forgetting your keys is a 'mistake.' Not having a better handle on the very part of me that can mercilessly rip a human to shreds and suck all of their blood without a second thought is dangerous at best and deadly at worst."

[cantilevers]

"I've already experienced the consequences," he lightly countered with, sliding his hand away and resuming his full height now that the distance between them was closed and Kirk wasn't retreating just yet.

"So I think it's best we all help you to learn to control that," he said, as if the first time was not enough. "You have people that care about you, and we can help. You've held the line with me multiple times before."

[godsandbats]

Kirk frowns as he stares at Vander. Something still doesn't feel right. It feels too easy.

"It wasn't just a death. It was gory and I didn't make it quick," he says. "You didn't even believe what I was doing when I clamped my fangs into your neck. Does any of that bother you?"

[cantilevers]

It was true that he was taken by surprise when Kirk latched onto his neck, a sharpness to the bite that came might otherwise have deterred him. The fact that during the mission Kirk interpreted his potential resistance and pinned his arms at his sides spoke volumes of the intent, especially with the previous caution and even relative gentleness of their previous times together. It was the first time Kirk went for a major vessel on him.

"It was different than all the other times," he agreed somberly. "I had the expectation that you would stop because you always had in the past, and by the time it was clear that you wouldn't, I had lost too much blood to properly fight back anyway." It wasn't that he accepted the death so much as realized that Kirk wouldn't let him go even if he struggled or perhaps it would be worse if he had.

"Exsanguination isn't... the worst way to go. I suppose I've had worse."

[godsandbats]

"You didn't just die. I killed you," Kirk presses on. "We're supposed to be friends and then I brutally betrayed you. Are you truly fine after what you've gone through during the mission?"

He can't shake off the sense that he isn't the only one who's choosing to hide. It's just not in a more literal sense with Vander.

[cantilevers]

"That's one and the same," he pointed out logically. He hummed as Kirk pressed the point, and for the first time, he dropped his gaze aside and scratched at his bearded cheek with his fingers. "You weren't the first on that front," he said softly. "Nor the last actually."

He had plenty to consider in his own downtime, but he knew that was his burden to bear just like Kirk hiding out here was the other man's. He would prefer to avoid it lasting too long in Kirk's case, aware the self-hatred was strong and likely unrelenting.

"I came to make certain you're alright and that you give yourself time and space to heal. I hoped that saying I forgave you would start you on that path."

[godsandbats]

Tension remains in Kirk as he keeps frowning. Multiple deaths was not what he expected to hear and it makes him even more concern for Vander.

"Thank you for checking on me," he says, even though he still feels like he doesn't deserve it. "But what happened with you?"

He has his doubts if Vander was still emotionally or psychologically fine after all that.

[cantilevers]

He nodded his head, accepting Kirk's thanks. He knew from experience that rolling a conversation forward was the best way to pull Kirk out of his own head, so he had issue doing that.

"Any time, Kirk. You do deserve it, and I don't think anyone who knows you here in Etraya wants you to sequester yourself away." He knew for a fact Hernan didn't, though the other man's concern for him seemed cursory at best. He was here to serve a purpose, and he was fine doing that. It's part of friendship.

"Turns out my power was not staying dead," he said simply. It was actually more complex than that, but he was not in the right head space to go into the lore of his world about it. "And I didn't suffer the usual effects that I've been told happen in Etraya, so that was good."

[godsandbats]

Kirk still isn’t convinced that he deserve much of anything but that’s something he’ll have to dwell on later. His concerns for Vander don’t ease up.

“What happened the other times you died?” He asks, worried. He has a hard time believing that Vander repeatedly resurrecting from the dead would have no consequences.

[cantilevers]

He shrugged his shoulders, playing nonchalant as he finally gave way when it came to keeping them close together. He stepped away, folding his hands behind his back, aware that Kirk didn't need the burden of his own deaths on top of everything else. The other man was in too bad of a way already.

"Not much to say, I died and then I came back," he reflected simply. "And now I'm back in Etraya, and we have a month to sort ourselves out before we head back on another mission." He glanced over at Kirk. "Hernan seems rather worried about you."

[godsandbats]

At the mention of Hernan, Kirk feels himself growing warm. He doesn’t know what he would’ve done without his… partner. What he does know is he wants to stay by his side for as long as they both want.

“I know,” Kirk admits. “He’s been trying to get me to step out of the tower more often. He cares.”

[cantilevers]

"Did he come and find you after we had our interaction? I know you were attacked," he said softly. He assumed that Hernan had appeared after Clive had stepped in, though that too had not ended particularly well for him.

"I bet. He basically threatened to throw us together," he replied as he crossed his arms over his chest. "He doesn't want you to hide away at least."

[godsandbats]

“He heard the fighting and flew straight towards us. He grabbed me before I could be killed,” Kirk explains.

He doesn’t blame Clive for reacting the way he did. He was caught literally red-handed killing Vander. Kirk then softly huffs. He can imagine Hernan taking a blunt approach to trying to make him feel better.

“He knew I wasn’t going to try to talk to you.”